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Original poster

No sex with partner since January

47 replies

BWrose · 07/05/2019 12:22

I'm female and I'm with my male partner for about two and half years.

I wrote this earlier in response to another thread on here:

We were always morning people when it came to sex. We stayed overnight in a hotel in April and when we woke there was some touches and rubbing but when it came to any sex, there was none because he used his hand and finished himself off. It hit me then that the last time we had sex was in January. Anytime there's any hint of sexy busy between us, he chooses his hand over me. Other times life gets in the way for any sexy times so I can't place all the blame at his feet. Having said that, I don't refuse him either. The sex is just not happening any more between us.

A week after our hotel stay, we went away together again. There was nothing there stopping us from sex but it happened again. No sex and again he choose his hand over me. I found it crushing. I'm currently on my period and he's due to go away later this week out abroad to visit some family for a little over a week. So, it looks like the majority of May will be off the cards too for us.

Before January, I think it was November when we had sex so the sex was limited anyways, I'd say since last year.

I feel rubbish about the no sex.
I'm beginning to zone out of our relationship now too. Its hard because he's loving and attentive outside of the bedroom but there's no sex whatsoever happening and I hate it. We have a holiday booked and paid for, for this summer and if it was for that, I'd be calling it a day between us. I don't know how to talk to him about this. I have my phone on silent because I don't want to take his calls.

OP posts:
Sparkybloke · 07/05/2019 13:08

From a man's perspective very odd. I cannot imagine masturbating alone when my partner was there and willing to make love. Think you need an open and honest discussion with your partner to find out the reasons for his lack of interest. Hope you sort things out....

Original poster
BWrose · 07/05/2019 13:44

Thanks for your reply. I'm not in a place to talk to him yet because I'm upset and have shut myself down. He's going away later in the week and I don't know if I want to see him before he goes.

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Sparkybloke · 07/05/2019 13:59

You will need to talk at some point. I had a similar thing with my ex....rolls reversed obviously....she lost interest in intimacy and sex. I enjoy lovemaking and have a high sex drive so she told me to masturbate in the shower when I felt the need.....pretty crushing comment....not the only reason we separated but one of the reasons....

Original poster
BWrose · 07/05/2019 14:32

I don't know if this is so sort of a porn or masturbation and death grip issue or some erectile issue on his part.

Surely he can't be blind or oblivious to the fact that we had no sex since January.

I don't know if I want to talk to him. I'm leaning towards calling it a day with him.

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Original poster
BWrose · 07/05/2019 14:35

I ignored 5 calls from him so far this morning. My heart just isn't in this any more.

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Deathgrip · 07/05/2019 14:47

See my username? That’s your problem here, I would bet my life savings on it.

Does he use a lot of porn? Masturbate a lot in between sessions with you?

I’ve been there. My ex was a porn addict and he couldn’t ejaculate from anything other than his own hand. He did still want to have PIV but would always have to finish himself, and often could only finish if he could do it on my face.

Sex was clearly nowhere near as arousing as the unrealistic porn he was consuming daily, and sex with one partner lacked the novelty he got from porn. So he tried to recreate that feeling of novelty by becoming increasingly violent and abusive sexually - still couldn’t finish of course, because he had to masturbate so hard that he’d lost most of the sensation in his penis.

Eventually I woke up and refused to have sex with him any more. Obviously that was the end of that. Such a relief not to have to deal with that any more.

If he doesn’t want to have penetrative sex with you at all, you need to know why. And he needs to deal with this (either through counselling, abstinence from porn use / masturbation, etc) or you need to consider leaving for your own sanity.

Obviously give him the opportunity to be honest with you - I may be wrong, maybe it’s something different that can be resolved. But a partner who doesn’t want to have sex with you and openly chooses his own hand over you when you’re right there and wanting sex with him? Seems unlikely there’s a positive resolution to this.

Deathgrip · 07/05/2019 14:56

she lost interest in intimacy and sex. I enjoy lovemaking and have a high sex drive so she told me to masturbate in the shower when I felt the need.....pretty crushing comment....

That is not the same thing, unless she was wanking next to you in bed or leaving bed to go and masturbate in the shower herself rather than having sex with you.

Many women lose their sex drive for many reasons. Telling you to go and take care of it when she isn’t in the mood is the sensible thing to do - what was she supposed to do, have sex she didn’t want because you did? How is that crushing? It’s pragmatic!

In my marriage there’s been long spells of no sex at all due to loss of libido, medication and illness - my DH has a high sex drive and going and taking care of it in the shower is exactly what he’s done to get through it. We have as much sex as humanly possible when my sex drive comes back as we never know how long it will stick around. Sometimes if it sticks around for a while then mine will be higher than his even - if he’s knackered from having a lot of sex, I’ll take care of myself. That’s part of being in a relationship.

Original poster
BWrose · 07/05/2019 15:27

The last time we had sex was back in January after he was away for a week.

I think maybe it might be death grip. Maybe he abstained from porn/masturbation for that week and came home and things were ok. I don't know. It does look like it might be deathgrip alright.

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Original poster
BWrose · 07/05/2019 15:58

There's no excuse in the world for no sex between us since January. We're not sick, or invilids. There's no babies or young children to get in the way between us. We're both still relatively young. We're both up for it most of the time.

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Sparkybloke · 07/05/2019 17:02

I agree deathgrip...if a partner does not want sex for what ever reason that's fine. I would never want sex with someone not in the mood....however it went on for over a year....continually being told to go and have a wank in the shower is demoralizing....eventually we agreed to part on good terms....

Original poster
BWrose · 07/05/2019 18:47

We are both livit at home and when we started dating we used to have sex whenever and wherever we could so about once every 2/3 weeks.

From last year, it definitely dwindling. From what I can remember, we had sex in September. Sex agat in November. Sex in January and that's it.

OP posts:
Sparkybloke · 07/05/2019 19:59

As suggested I would suspect he is using porn when you are apart and is either unable to perform with you or worries he wont be able to perform....ban the porn and then reconnect...it may take time but if you are still into each other the spark will return.....

Deathgrip · 07/05/2019 20:10

You need a frank discussion.

If he’s not a porn addict and you have a sex drive and want to have sex, then there really is no reason he shouldn’t be able to abstain from porn and masturbation for a while. If he’s struggling not to, or lying about it, you have your answer. Unfortunately as I’ve learnt, porn addiction and a mutually healthy sexual relationship are not compatible. Porn may be a bit of fun for some and that’s fine, but it can be as destructive as any other addiction, and certainly more destructive to relationships and self esteem than most.

Obviously if you don’t want to have sex at times he does then it’s not really okay to insist he can’t masturbate. However, if the relationship is important to him and he’s not addicted, he should be willing to at least try and leave himself alone for a while to see if it helps (I’d suggest masturbation without porn, but if death grip is an issue and he’s a heavy porn user it may only make things worse - he will take longer to finish and cause more damage).

At one point in my marriage we went several years with no sex whatsoever because of my health - I know DH was using porn daily and while I detest it for obvious reasons, I certainly wasn’t in any position to be insisting he couldn’t use it. The difference is that when my sex drive returns, he doesn’t look at it at all, he has no need to take care of it because we are having sex daily. If I said no, I’m too tired / sore / need a break today / on my period, he still wouldn’t do it. It’s only when he’s facing long periods of time without sex that it’s a factor, and I have no problem with it in that situation. If I felt like I do right now and he wasn’t having sex with me because he’d rather have a wank, that would be a problem!

Original poster
BWrose · 07/05/2019 20:47

We won't have this problem for much longer anyhow because he can fuck right off if he thinks he's coming into my bed again.

OP posts:
MoreProseccoNow · 07/05/2019 20:57

How old are you, OP? And what are your living arrangements?

If there's a problem, which he won't acknowledge or work with you to resolve, then there is no hope.

He's not meeting your needs & wont discuss it - that's a bit of a deal-breaker in itself.

Original poster
BWrose · 07/05/2019 21:08

MoreProsecconow,

I won't be giving him another opportunity to turn me down again. No way.

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Milliy · 07/05/2019 22:14

So talk to him. Don't ignore his calls. Your in a relationship and if you want to sort things out you have to talk to him. He can then explain himself. Not taking his calls and thinking you want to finish things without discussion is a bit immature in my opinion. If the relationship means anything to you you will discuss problems.

Original poster
BWrose · 07/05/2019 22:33

Look, we didn't have sex since January. The intimacy is gone. I see a lazy and greedy partner. That's it. There's no going back from this.

OP posts:
Milliy · 07/05/2019 22:45

OP you have said nothing about him being lazy and greedy. You have mentioned 2 sexual encounters where he hasnt made love to you.
Without talking to him and discussing things then your relationship cant improve. Any relationship you go on to have will possibly have things that happen that need talking through. If you just walk away without talking then you are missing opportunities to grow as a couple.
How old are you OP?

Milliy · 07/05/2019 22:47

Youve also said he is loving and attentive outside the bedroom so why are you being so quick to end things and blame him.

Arnoldthecat · 08/05/2019 07:17

This is just ridiculous. How can it be that this man is lying with his partner,they are both presumably naked,there is some foreplay,he is clearly aroused and she is receptive and wants him and yet he jerks off? If i did that to my partner she would say WTF are you doing? or similar.Equally,why is he doing it?I think there is some kind of avoidance going on on his part. I know this is a wild stab in the dark but maybe he has some guilt issues,maybe he has cheated,maybe he is worried about giving you an STD or something...you need to front him out on this one and find out whats going on..

Original poster
BWrose · 08/05/2019 07:54

There's a few other bits and pieces that might be adding up to something like he's bored or not interested in me anymore. Like when we first starting dating, he used to give a good fingering. He doesn't do that anymore, and considering sex is off the table from him, it would be important to keep that up. There's other bits and pieces like that that screams lazy and greedy in the bed.

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Deathgrip · 08/05/2019 10:41

If there’s no PIV and no fingering, what sexual contact are you having during these sessions - oral? Or is it literally just him groping you a bit and then having a wank? Is he next to you when he’s wanking or does he leave and go elsewhere?

What was your sex life like before? Does he care at all whether you enjoy it, have an orgasm etc?

MoreProseccoNow · 08/05/2019 11:15

This isn't really about the sex. It's about communication. You guys need to talk if you want the relationship to continue.

He may have checked out, be cheating, have ED, be depressed etc - but you will never know if you don't have effective communication- the relationship will fail for that alone.

Original poster
BWrose · 08/05/2019 11:51

Deathgrip

Sexual contact, it's usually some spooning, he might rub my clit, that's usually about it. He rolls over to be on his back and I would move closer to him. I might give him a handjob or blowjob, then he takes over with his hand.

Before this, when we first started dating, sex was whenever we could get it, about 2/3 times a month. It started to dwindle last year but no where near as bad to what it is today.

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