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Sex

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Original poster

No sex with partner since January

47 replies

BWrose · 07/05/2019 12:22

I'm female and I'm with my male partner for about two and half years.

I wrote this earlier in response to another thread on here:

We were always morning people when it came to sex. We stayed overnight in a hotel in April and when we woke there was some touches and rubbing but when it came to any sex, there was none because he used his hand and finished himself off. It hit me then that the last time we had sex was in January. Anytime there's any hint of sexy busy between us, he chooses his hand over me. Other times life gets in the way for any sexy times so I can't place all the blame at his feet. Having said that, I don't refuse him either. The sex is just not happening any more between us.

A week after our hotel stay, we went away together again. There was nothing there stopping us from sex but it happened again. No sex and again he choose his hand over me. I found it crushing. I'm currently on my period and he's due to go away later this week out abroad to visit some family for a little over a week. So, it looks like the majority of May will be off the cards too for us.

Before January, I think it was November when we had sex so the sex was limited anyways, I'd say since last year.

I feel rubbish about the no sex.
I'm beginning to zone out of our relationship now too. Its hard because he's loving and attentive outside of the bedroom but there's no sex whatsoever happening and I hate it. We have a holiday booked and paid for, for this summer and if it was for that, I'd be calling it a day between us. I don't know how to talk to him about this. I have my phone on silent because I don't want to take his calls.

OP posts:

Deathgrip · 08/05/2019 13:46

That’s it?! That’s not a sex life. You may as well not even be there - how can he possibly think you’d be happy with this?

When you first started dating did he make more of an effort? I’ve put up with a lot of shit from men in my life but this is way up there. It would be a different story if he didn’t want sex / had no sex drive but he’s perfectly happy to finish and has no regard for your needs. What a dick. Sure, you can talk to him but I’m unsure what a good justification would be!

Original poster

BWrose · 08/05/2019 14:47

When we first started dating there was definitely more of an effort. Sex was maybe 2/3 times a month. It dwindled last year to about 1/2 times a month and now nothing.

I think you summed it up for me very well. I'm someone who can take it or leave it when it ces to sex and I'm not climbing the walls with frustration. As I see it, he does have a sex drive but just not with me.

OP posts:

MoreProseccoNow · 08/05/2019 15:09

I have been where you are too, and reached the same conclusion.

Sadly for me, whilst I was investing in the relationship & trying to make things work, he had already checked out & was having an affair.

The sexual rejection was awful; I lost so much confidence.

You deserve better.

Deathgrip · 08/05/2019 15:11

I’m not surprised you can take it or leave it - at the moment my sex drive is through the roof, but I wouldn’t be bothered either with a bit of clit rubbing and then performing sexual services before the guy finishes himself off. I don’t know any women who’d be champing at the bit for that.

So when you say it was 2-3 times a month before, you mean actual penetration 2-3 times a month? Was it ever fulfilling for you, did he make sure you’d have an orgasm before he did (or at least afterwards), did he ever finish from sex, a hand job, a blow job etc?

You need a partner who cares as much about you getting off as getting himself off. You might find you’re more keen to take it than to leave it.

Original poster

BWrose · 08/05/2019 15:34

The sex was PIV about 2/3 times a month. It was ok. It was never mindblowing. He came a handful of times from sex in the beginning. He never came from a blow job. I tend to give a blow job and whenever I get on top for sex, he takes over with his hand. Sex has always been him on his back, me on top. It's so boring. I suggested anal and other positions but he was never open to any of that.

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Original poster

BWrose · 08/05/2019 15:37

He proposed last year and I gladly and happily accepted. It's almost as if he got a ring on my finger and he thought his job was done.

There's no wedding plans as of yet though.

OP posts:

Arnoldthecat · 08/05/2019 16:09

So after the foreplay when he rolls over,if you straddle him and guide him into you,would that be an issue?

Deathgrip · 08/05/2019 16:24

So after the foreplay when he rolls over,if you straddle him and guide him into you,would that be an issue?

No way would I do this - sex is entirely about him and getting what he needs. No way that i would make the effort to straddle and have sex with a man who’s literally stopped sex (before I have an orgasm, to boot), so he can have a wank instead.

I am perplexed that any human being could think this is acceptable.

You’re engaged to this person?! I had assumed this was a very casual thing. I guess you have to talk to him then!

Original poster

BWrose · 08/05/2019 16:32

Yes, Arnold. It stops right there and he takes over.

OP posts:

Original poster

BWrose · 08/05/2019 16:45

We stayed overnight not once but twice in hotels in April and there was no sex. Two more weeks pass where we were seeing each other and he was coming around to stay overnight with me and still nothing. I then got my period and he's going away at the end of this week for over a week. You'd think there would be something on the table. Nope. There goes the majority of May without the intimacy that I'm craving for him.

OP posts:

Arnoldthecat · 08/05/2019 17:45

Maybe hes scared of pregnancy and the long term commitment that it entails..

Whatever,you both need to have a long honest talk and be prepared to bin him off if he doesnt have a very good explanation.

MoreProseccoNow · 08/05/2019 17:58

And if he hasn't got any solutions (just expecting you to continue putting up with a crap sex life).

Original poster

BWrose · 08/05/2019 18:18

A fear of pregnancy makes little sense. He never had s fear starting off in our pregnancy. Maybe it is the answer because I had to stop taking the pill. I wasn't taking it every day. I was skipping days and I hated the false sense of security it provided. I track my cycles to the T. Condoms are on the bedside locker.

He used to give a good fingering but he stopped with that and you can't get pregnant from a fingering.

OP posts:

Milliy · 08/05/2019 20:42

For goodness sake, talk to him. Ask him why he is wanking instead of having sex. The answer isn't here in a forum, it's with him.

Milliy · 08/05/2019 20:53

If it's only been happening since January then that is only 4 months. You say he is loving and attentive otherwise. You've got engaged to him. If you can't talk to him and discuss your feelings then you have more problems than no sex for four months. Tough times happen in long marriages but talking about issues is what gets you through the hard bits. If your prepared to walk away without talking and hearing what he has to say then I don't think you are ready to make a big commitment .

joystir59 · 08/05/2019 22:33

Could he be gay? Is he reluctant to touch your genitals?

joystir59 · 08/05/2019 22:36

When me and my wife started together we couldn't keep our hands off each other. 2-3 times a month at the beginning is very little sex.

Original poster

BWrose · 08/05/2019 23:39

He isn't reluctant to touch my genitals.

I can confidently say he's definitely not gay. 100% definitely not gay.

OP posts:

joystir59 · 09/05/2019 00:21

Then he's got death grip and addicted to porn

Deathgrip · 09/05/2019 06:40

I am sorry OP. I think you do need to talk to him for your own sanity and edification, but I would absolutely not marry someone who thinks that this is a satisfying sex life for you (or doesn’t seem to care).

I’d have infinitely more sympathy if he had completely lost his libido due to illness, meds, mental health issues, whatever. But the fact that sex encounters still happen, he just doesn’t put in any effort to make sex enjoyable for you, is a whole other story. Even if he can only finish himself off, that doesn’t mean he can’t have as much penetrative sex as you want first and make sure you are satisfied - it means that PE isn’t an issue, so you should never have an issue having orgasms before he wants to finish!

joystir59 · 09/05/2019 06:53

I wouldn't settle for such a miserable sex life OP. You need to talk.

Original poster

BWrose · 09/05/2019 15:33

Thanks for the last few replies.

He's going away tomorrow for a little bit over a week. It will be the 21/22 of May by the time he gets back home again.

To be honest I'm looking forward to the break away from him and not having him come over the 1/2/3 nights a week. I'm looking forward to having the time to have a foot bath, work on some hobbies and taking a book to bed. LOL.

I will see how things are after he gets back home. If no sex happens after his week away, that's it, with me. That would tell me all I need to know really. That the desire is not there for me.
We'll be done and finished.

OP posts:

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