Can a marriage survive mismatched sex drives

[Loopyloular]

Just that really. My husband has absolutely no drive at all, not an ounce of desire for me. We've been married for 7 years this year and im really really struggling now.
I feel constantly in the mood and im really starting to resent him for turning me down all the time. Surely i can't be that bad?
Is there anything at all i can do to bring some spark back??

I'll let you know - we're having counselling over this very issue - rolls reversed.

My wife will have sex at times, but it's passionless, passive, dull, vanilla and lacks any kind of thrill, fun, excitement or satisfaction - she just goes through the motions.

Sex and money are the two main relationships end.

I really don’t think you can survive it unless you agree to an open relationship

Only seven years?

You really need to get out now, why waste your life?

You will feel amazing as soon as an eager guy is all over you, giving you all that you desire.

Feeling wanted and desired....and reciprocating....is a wonderful thing.

There must be something that can be done to revive things surely? I cant be that bad

Has he got a kink or anything maybe? Vanilla stuff might not float his boat?

Oh vanilla is his middle name. I've tried so much, i enjoy so much and there's still so much i want to try. I will do anything for him

Is he prepared to talk about it with you? If not, then there's little or no hope of it changing. If he is then the first thing I would try and rule in/out is if there is any medical reason, It could be hormonal (e.g. low testosterone). He would need to go and discuss it with his GP and let them do their job.

Medical issues are always suggested on MN as a possible cause of low libido but I think they're unlikely in the vast majority of cases.

In my opinion, what happens is simply that some people are naturally less interested in sex than others. In the initial stages of a relationship, most will feel a strong sexual urge for their partner. Once the novelty wears off, that's when you see the true baseline sex drive of each individual: some are simply quite uninterested in sex and anything will distract them from it (low-level tiredness, stress, food, TV, etc). They see sex as too much bother for what it is, because for them, it just isn't all that much. Others, on the contrary, get a big high for sex and a lot of the warmth, affection and communication for their partners is expressed through it. They will seek sex as a release from stress, tiredness and so on - not as a chore or something that adds to the drudgery of daily life.

Mismatched sex drives cannot be fixed long-term, I don't think. Lack of sex, when sex is wanted, it's absolutely soul-destroying, but people with low sex drive often don't see it because they can't relate to that feeling. It's not their fault (in a way, that's the hard thing) it is simply a fundamental incompatibility that very often seeps into every aspect of a relationship.

I'm in that position too and I am under no illusions that we can fix it.

Its not looking good then is it. I cant end a marriage purely on lack of sex though. What a shite

OP, you can end any relationship for whatever reason you like. Lack of sex is totally valid.

Hope you're ok, OP. You sound sad x

You're not alone OP and I too am in that horrible dilemma of damed if you do, damned if you don't, when it comes to long term decisions.

We're on our fourth counselling session and I hope that there are some positive outcomes.

My marriage didn’t survive it, unfortunately. We had the same issues which probably started around the same time as you and then divorced after ten years of marriage.

My advice is to be very open with each other, so that you have a chance to try various things to make the situation better. This needs time and patience as nothing will likely lead to an overnight fix.

We did this and couldn’t make it work. But I think both of us at least knew that we had honestly tried everything we could.

Sorry you are going through this. I know how you feel and it is very upsetting

@PARunnerGirl

Sorry to hear about your marriage breakdown. Please could I ask whether you were the one with the higher or lower sex drive, and assuming you were the higher, what was your DH's narrative on the subject as you parted company?

@ConfusedDH Yes, my exH was less interested in sex. I am not sure if he did ever really take time to truly understand and accept why this was.

He said he rarely masturbated and could go more than a month without even thinking much about sex. He said he knew I was attractive in the physical sense (I’m athletic and my health and fitness is important to me. I also like to feel good and comfortable about my appearance), but that he just wasn’t attracted to me anymore. At the same time, he said he didn’t really have any feelings like that at all. I did, and still do, believe him. He just didn’t seem to have any sexuality about him for the last few years of our marriage. Unfortunately, he wasn’t willing to do too much work (apart from things that I could do!) to understand the reasons behind this. Eventually I had to accept that if I wanted this part of a relationship, I’d have to end the marriage.

It was a very sad time, but I am happy now I have such a lovely partner now and our sex life is really open, adventurous, fun and trusting.

I hope you find happiness soon.

@ParunnerGirl

My situation is similar. My DW doesn't masturbate, doesn't think about sex much and where I'm climbing the walls wondering when the next element of sexuality will feature in our relationship, I know she's on her computer looking at gardening websites or other day to day non-sexual stuff - it's just not on her radar.

She knows it's a problem and wants to do something about it, tells me she still fancies me (like you, I ensure I'm fit and healthy - I have a similar physique to an olympic swimmer and have trained 3 times a week for years) yet clearly she doesn't fancy me enough to want to have sex with me.

We do occasionally have sex, but it's such a disappointing and unfulfilling experience for me as she is just so passive. She will go along with things and if I suggest a different position will oblige, but would never suggest a different position herself, or ask for me to do something, or adjust her position to make it more pleasurable for her. She just lies there and experiences it.

If I ask her to go on top and 'ride' me, her movements are awkward and mechanical, like she doesn't know what she is doing and is just slowly going up and down purely for my benefit - her movements are't for her pleasure - she'd never close her eyes and get lost in it and revel in the feelings, rather just look at me and smile in a friendly and non sexy way. It's almost off putting where I have to close my eyes not to be distracted.

I've never ever heard her say harder, faster, deeper, slower etc - she just goes along with whatever is happening in a pleasant kind of way.

I get so bored and despondent by the lack of enthusiasm and desire that that several times recently I've just given up as it's been that terribe. But when I do, whilst she's sad that she knows she's not pleasing me, she's not disappointed for herself or her own enjoyment, where you'd typically expect someone to be left high, dry and frustrated.

I ask if she enjoys it and she says yes, but not to the degree you'd hope for. She can orgasm most of the time from oral or manual stimulation, but only if that is all that is going on - never during PIV or with a helping hand during PIV. I've even got her close to the edge and then tried PIV with manual stimulation but it doesn't work.

I've tried doing PIV before giving her an orgasm to see if that helps, but when it comes to 'her turn' we're starting from scratch - it's not like the PIV has got her nearly there and she just needs that bit extra, it's another whole 20-30 mins of one way traffic to get her there and to be frank it bores me rigid.

Because of the lack of enthusiasm or desire on her part, I'm always lying there mildly disappointed and spectating rather than enjoying the moment, hence I can never relax enough to enjoy manual or oral from her, plus her technique is terrible.

Even if we had sex every day, it's the quality and passion that is missing that is the key problem for me.

I dream of having a partner that looks deep into my eyes with sexual hunger and just 'wants it' urgently and longing where we both end up on a wonderful passionate journey together to a common goal.

I just don't know where to go with it and I'm intrigued as to what the sex therapist says about it all.

Thanks porridge. I am, im desperately sad

OP sometimes calling time and separating can be the wake up call your partner may need to appreciate you and get the spark back. It can take losing you to change things.

"I cant end a marriage purely on lack of sex though."

Why not?

We have children. How do i explain that to the kids? "Oh mummy left daddy because she was conatantly horny and daddy didn't do anything about it"

Loopyloular and ConfusedDH when your spouse's libido dies so completely, without a very good reason, and they are uninterested in doing anything beyond token efforts, the marriage is dead. Ending it is very unpleasant but the sense of relief afterwards is apparently great. Is it worthwhile delaying this end until your kids are older, or is it better to do it sooner? I might sound pessimistic, but you should spend some time over on the deadbedrooms forum on the Reddit site, and similar sites, and you'll see I'm probably right.

" Lack of sex, when sex is wanted, it's absolutely soul-destroying, but people with low sex drive often don't see it because they can't relate to that feeling. "

I disagree with that. People can relate to really wanting something from their partner e.g. more companionship or more attention and the frustration and sadness of not getting it.

"It's not their fault (in a way, that's the hard thing) it is simply a fundamental incompatibility"

This is true. It's nobody's fault.

I think Confused DH's story is a good example for those on here who say a partner/spouse should make an effort for the sake of the other one. Confused's DW is clearly making a big effort to please him, but nothing she does is every good enough. Must be soul destroying for her.

You're right Gwen on reading his post his wife is making a genuine effort.

Scott - I also think that ConfusedDH is being very fussy. He complains about his wife being 'vanilla', but vanilla is supposed to be the norm (hence the name), not something negative. On another thread he admits that all his complaining has harmed his wife's confidence and 'performance', which I'm not surprised about at all.