Wife is threating to hire a male escort

[Fiire]

So we have been together for 20+ years since we were 18. Sex was never great for either of us. She was never really into it and after a few years and a bit of reflection I realised she was mostly just going through the motions twice a week for my sake. For the last 15 years I have stopped initiating and we are down to once a month if that. We have had 2 children in that time and have gone down to one income which has given us excuses for not having sex. Still we were content and busy. Now both kids are at school and I have a job closer to home she wants sex again. She still doesn't seem into it and I don't see the point if she isn't going to put in any effort. Anyway - She told me that she wants to hire a male escort so she can have some decent sex. I said we should split up if that's the way she feels. She said she doesn't want to split. I have no idea what to do. No way am I sticking around if she did hire one.

i think there must be a lot more to this, at least in her mind anyway. To go from having little sex to her wanting to hire an escort which isnt something i think many women would want. Is it that she is awakening somewhat and has not been sexually satisfied for many years? Could you not discuss and look at spicing things up to excite her more

Nasty situation.

You say she now wants to have sex more regularly - surely that's a good thing? How do you know she won't be into it? Have you tried?

I think you need to really discuss what you both want from your sexual relationship. Get someone to look after the kids, book a weekend away from home (not so easy to get away from each other), and TALK.

Maybe consider couples counselling.

i think you have to ask her why she isnt having decent sex, ie she’s never told you how she likes it

Or she’s never liked sex and wonders if an ‘expert’ would make a difference.

Can you imagine the outrage, and justifiably so, if this was a man threatening his wife that he'd go to prostitutes if she didn't shape up in bed? It's absolutely horrible whether she goes through with it or not.

Reading your post, there's a contradiction in that she says she wants sex but then you say she seems disinterested when it comes to it. The only thing I can think of that makes sense is that she isn't getting what she needs. That doesn't necessarily mean it's all your fault. You probably both need to use your tongues more - not for oral but to actually talk to each other. That said, if my wife made that threat to me I think my response would be crack on and leave your keys on your way out the door.

I would suggest as other people have said, you have to have a serious sit done and communicate with each other. You posted "she told me that she wants to hire a male escort so she can have some decent sex." Find out what she means by that, maybe the lack sex was because neither of you were actually doing what was please to the other. Talk and find, before someone does something that puts some serious strain on the marriage.

Recent years we have had to deal with a lot of stuff. She had post natal mental health issues. I had an accident and was off work for a couple months. I had a stressful job and gained 30kg (since lost). But this is all normal stuff that everyone deals with. It just gave us more excuses I guess.

She definitely doesn't know what she lies in bed. I am open to anything, but she can't (or won't) tell me. We were young when we met. She hadn't had sex before me. I had one sexual partner who was much more experienced than me and knew what she liked. I'm not sure I enjoyed the sex, but I did like seeing her enjoying herself. I broke up with her because I felt like I was only using her for sex.

I am happy to forgo my sexual pleasure to give her what ever she wants. I have no problem with oral but she thinks it is gross. She enjoys being fingered, but always wants to stop as she thinks she is going to wet herself. I do give her nighly back massages and have noticed that she is starting to slip her hand underneath her body and have a little fiddle, but again she seems to stop before the happy ending. I don't think she has ever had an orgasim with me or on her own.

Sex is usually after at least 10 minutes of foreplay. I do all the foreplay, but I enjoy it so not fussed that she doesn't reciprocate. When sex goes on for more than say 5 minutes she loses interest and starts asking if I am done yet.

She gets weird when I try to talk to her about sex. It's probably a shame we met so young and neither of us had a chance to learn from more experienced lovers. I was lucky my partner knew what she was doing. I think my wife had plenty of opportunities to have sex before we met, but never let it happen.

PS sorry about the multiple posts. Trying to respond to all your posts. Thanks for posting.

Hello, You say your wife wants sex more often? Which is good?!
She also seems very unhappy with your sex life, not so good!
As simple as it sounds but do you actually know what she likes in bed? Every person is differnant and maybe she has never told you so you don’t know, maybe she has told you and you are being selfish and continuing with it how you like it so even when you have sex she isn’t satisfied? X

Communication is key. Get her to open up about specific fantasies to try to make progress. I wish you luck

Get yourself away from her pronto.
Why waste your life with such a despicable, selfish woman? Move on for the sake of your dignity and self respect. You will meet someone new and you’ll have a much better sex life because, let’s face it, it couldn’t be worse than what it is.

Sex is usually after at least 10 minutes of foreplay. I do all the foreplay, but I enjoy it so not fussed that she doesn't reciprocate. When sex goes on for more than say 5 minutes she loses interest and starts asking if I am done yet.

10 minutes foreplay would be a quickie in our book as would 5+ minutes penetrative sex. We easily spend 30 - 60 minutes on foreplay and often a lot longer. Not all of that is genital stimulation either, far from it. Lots of kissing - mouth, neck, back, feet especially, massaging and caressing. It should be a journey to be savoured and enjoyed, revisiting favourite spots but also looking for and exploring previously unknown joys. Trying new things, assessing feedback, adjusting and refining. We've been together almost 25 years and we're still discovering new things. For example, my wife has always enjoyed a head massage but a few weeks ago I happened to massage her head in a particular way that I hadn't tried before and it had her purring like a cat, so I've been exploring that technique further and trying variations. I love exploring her body (and her mind) looking for new ways to give her pleasure. It never gets boring because she is human and dynamic.

When it comes to actual sex, again, approach it every time like a special journey to be savoured and enjoyed. Don't just amble along the well-worn path. Try different positions, even subtle changes in angle, different tempos and read her responses. Use your hands, mouth and even your toes during sex to caress and tease other parts of her body. Stop thinking of it as foreplay then sex as well. It's not like a dinner where you always eat your soup and then your main course. You can take a break from the main and return to the soup. You can have main and soup at the same time. You might have so much soup you don't need a main.

Not sure where the dining analogy came from but it seemed to work so I hope it makes sense.

Christian77 I no interest in having sex with anyone else. I got over obsessing about sex years ago and was pretty happy about life until now.

It took a couple of years before I convinced her to try doggy style and since then she mostly wants doggy style. She even likes her clit being rubbed and being fingered from behind If we get to 5 minutes in any position then she loses interest and starts asking me to hurry up. If we change position or switch between sex and foreplay or i chane the rhythm or technique then she loses the buzz and wants to stop. I do plenty of massage. Usually I spend about 30 minutes massaging her back, ass and legs almost every night. If she starts lifting her ass in the air then I move on to the foreplay and sex. I can read those signals and can get her almost all the way, but either I can't seem to get her to the end or else she is stopping herself on purpose.

Would she experiment with a vibrator? I can't orgasm without one and although love foreplay and everything else I'd end up feeling frustrated because I couldn't finish. If I were you I'd just buy her one and next time you're massaging her introduce it. I recommend the Lelo sonar from Love Honey. Good luck.

@Fiire

She sounds pretty terrible and disengaged in bed, yet wants to hire a male escort to have better sex?

Something doesn't stack up.

Do we assume she'd be asking the escort to hurry up, too?

There's a missing piece of the jigsaw here.

If my wife suggested she wanted to hire a male escort, she'd have divorce papers under her nose instantly, especially after displaying such apathy towards sex so far.

What does one income have to do with not having sex!?

Sounds like there are some psychological issues for your wife. Is she happy in other areas of her life? Sexual counselling worth a try?

@littlecloudling

Just added financial stress to the mix. Going from have loads of disposable income to only just having enough was a big change for us. We used it as an excuse not to have sex.

@littlecloudling

She had counseling for her post natal mental health issues. It made things a lot worse. She was a broken woman for a few days after a she had been to a session. It got to the point where she be anxious in the days leading up to an appointment and not sleep. She had better results with medication to help her mood and sleep.

@Fiire it seems your wife has disconnected sexual pleasure from the emotional closeness that comes with sex. Sad

@StressedGuy

I think she is hoping that a hooker will be able to show her what she likes without her having to work it out for herself. I think you are right that she would be in the same position as she is in now only with feelings of guilt and shame to add to it. I guess not having had sex with anyone else she doesn't know what she doesn't know and blames me for not performing. Any experience she has had was as a teenager with teenage boys which is probably not going to be a good learning platform.

The more I think about it though the more I think it was an acknowledgment that we have problem and she wants more out of our sex life. Bit of a sledgehammer approach though. I am looking at ways to last longer in the sack. I don't think that will help though.