Wife is threating to hire a male escort

[Fiire]

So we have been together for 20+ years since we were 18. Sex was never great for either of us. She was never really into it and after a few years and a bit of reflection I realised she was mostly just going through the motions twice a week for my sake. For the last 15 years I have stopped initiating and we are down to once a month if that. We have had 2 children in that time and have gone down to one income which has given us excuses for not having sex. Still we were content and busy. Now both kids are at school and I have a job closer to home she wants sex again. She still doesn't seem into it and I don't see the point if she isn't going to put in any effort. Anyway - She told me that she wants to hire a male escort so she can have some decent sex. I said we should split up if that's the way she feels. She said she doesn't want to split. I have no idea what to do. No way am I sticking around if she did hire one.

@bowtieandheels

I have suggested that but she says shes not interested in trying anything like that. She seems to be focusing on PIV as the answer to all her problems.

To be fair she seems to regret having said it now, but is defensive when I try to talk to her about it.

@littlecloudling I think she wants (and gets) the emotional closeness, but us not keen on the sex. She has also been reading alot of articles about how we should be having amazing sex all the time if we want to be happy. We haven't had that so she thinks there is something wrong. She does over tink things. I went through the same thing 10 years ago with the sexless marriage articles that were popular at the time. It made me miserable and I blamed her for not being keen. But when I looked at the bigger picture we were happy and loved each other so what was the problem.

Something is very wrong here and I’m beginning to wonder if it’s you.

Troll?

You mention your wife was on medication for post natal depression. Most antidepressants have the side effect of destroying libido and sexual responses, making orgasm physically impossible to achieve.

I don't know how long ago your wife was on medication, or whether she still takes it, but if she is still on anti-depressants that could be the root of her problem.

Equally likely is that between you you haven't yet worked out what exactly turns her on. She may not know herself which is a shame because she could show or tell you exactly what would work for her if you haven't stumbled across it yourself yet.

I suggest you start trying to improve things by having lots of intimate time together, not having sex, but really talking and being honest and open with each other which will naturally build closeness. Sexual intimacy will be the natural outcome as you connect on a deeper level.

@Christian77

Nah mate. Just trying to vent. Not everyone can have as black and white views of the world. If she did cheat I would definitely bail. Until then I need to try fixing whatever is broken. I don't have anyone else to vent to so a bunch of strangers on the internet is the next best thing.

Do you think there's a possibility that she's gay?

I doubt it, but I guess it could be possible.

Sounds like she’s becoming increasingly frustrated that she’s never cum with you. I think any woman would be after that many years. She’s disengaging because it’s just not doing it for her. Someone with more experience (like an escort) could probably get her there. There are tutorials on porn sites that will show you what to do. It is different for men & women in that it doesn’t matter how shit a woman is in bed, a guy can almost always cum. Whereas for a woman to cum a man needs to be good.

@Bubblegumgal

Maybe, but she has never even given herself an orgasim so ot might take a bit of trial and error even from a pro. I am prepared to do anything she wants, but when I try she says she just wants the usual, which isn't really enjoyable for either of us. Don't agree with woman not being shit in bed. I would prefer jerking off than having sex with someone who is just lying there. She has never given a BJ or a hand job either.

Yeah you’d probably prefer it, but you’d still cum with the woman though. & It won’t really matter if she’s given herself one or not, if the partner knows what they’re doing. Fwiw her feeling like ‘she’s about to wet herself’ I can almost guarantee she’s about to cum. I agree sex life sounds shit for you both, but atleast you’ve had an orgasm. I think you need to be selfless and put your own gripes to the side until she gets hers. Once she discovers how amazing it is, she’ll probably be open to trying all sorts 🤞

Fiire, whilst your situation is pretty extreme, i can relate to aspects of it, namely having a DW who is a little skittish about sex.
I'd agree with the consensus on the thread, that your and she need to have a decent talk/ counselling of some sort.

My one additional thought is that when i was particularly frustrated with our sex life, i drafted a post to put on MN, but before posting realised that it seemed a bit crazy to throw the post out for discussion with a bunch on online strangers before letting her read it. She did read it, and it prompted a bit of a healthy conversation between us (although not that long; she hates talking about sex) and it was pretty helpful. I never posted the thread in the end.

Have you shown your partner / wife this thread?
If so, what did she make of it?
If not, why not?

We have talked alot about what she wants. She still doesn't know or won't tell me. A couple of her friends have seperated from their husbands and have been living the single life. I think she might have been a bit jealous and frustrated with family life. She seems a bit happier now her newly single friends lives seem to be falling apart. I did tell that I don't enjoy sex if she doesn't so there is no point having any at all. Seems to have taken the pressure off.

Lol at the OP in distress so toogoodtobetrue comes on raving about his own sex life. That’s helpful.

Whereas for a woman to cum a man needs to be good.

Does the woman also need to know what makes her cum and be able to communicate that? Or does the man just need to be good?

@snoozysnoozy
No. The man just needs to be good. She only has to know herself & tell him what’s working for her if he’s not very good.

I disagree bubblegum. In my experience it takes 2 to have great sex...my sex life improved massively once I'd learned how to make myself orgasm and felt confident to communicate that to my lover. We can't just lie there and expect a man to make us orgasm...every woman is wired differently so needs to firstly know how she's wired then be able to confidently communicate that to her lover. It sounds like the OPs wife needs to investigate herself first but doesn't sound willing...so I'm not really sure what the answer is.

@bowtie ‘just lie there and expect great sex’ is not what I said though. I don’t think every woman is wired that differently. It just takes a bit of effort (& knowledge) from the man to actually try to get her there. Pace, angle & clit stimulation are all important. It’s definitely not necessary to communicate this to someone who already knows what they’re doing. So yes, a decent male escort could probably make her orgasm. If the OP is not open to this, the answer is to google tutorials on technique (usually found on porn sites)