Anyone had success with scheduled ‘sex nights’?

[Metalhead]

DH and I have been married 10 years, and have two DDs (8 and 3). Our sex life has dwindled to about twice a month on average, and I know he’d like it more often. We’ve often said we’ll try and do it more but it never really happens, so I’ve been wondering if we should try and pick one day of the week and just say that’s when we’ll have sex. Has anyone done this successfully, or is it too regimented?

I think it is probably a bit regimented and would create pressure for us. My oh is older than me and we don't do it more than once a month due to his low sex drive. There are nights that we'd be more likely to do it (usually weekends or nights when my son is at his dads) but even then it's not a given.
Maybe plan certain nights where the two of you will sit down, have a bottle of wine and a nice meal and have a good chat - a date night even if it's not physically going out - and just see what transpires?
Setting a scheduled night for sex is just a recipe for disappointment and pressure if you ask me. What if one of you isn't up for it but the other has been expecting it all day?

My DP's drive is through the floor, sex just doesn't cross his mind and he has low self esteem too. From the beginning of our relationship he was upfront about it. He enjoys it when we get going though. I could jump on him all day, everyday. We started out with Wet Wednesdays then when we were TTC I scheduled which days (it was his suggestion we have a baby) and that worked well too. Sadly for me we conceived quite quickly. It dropped back to twice a month then nothing from 7 months to 4 months PP. Baby is 8 months now and we've managed 3 times as she will not settle to sleep well. Had a babysitter for one of the times and went to a hotel. Once baby is sleeping better it'll go back to being scheduled. Intimacy is important for me in a relationship, he understands that so leaves it up to me to sort out when. It works for us.

We tried it whilst trying to rekindle our sex life and it didn't work at all.

The fact that it was planned took any chance of passion or spark away. It became a chore - something to be getting on with. "Right then, who's going to start.... shall we start with a kiss?....." etc.

We tried twice and gave up on both occasions without either of us reaching orgasm as it was so utterly unexciting. Literally sex by numbers.

It was probably not the right choice for us as we (well, me) are chasing spontaneity, passion, excitement, enthusiasm, interest, horniness, sexiness - all totally missing.

We have to at the moment. Saturdays is ours. Weirdly, about a month in, it’s gelped my sex drive increase a little....I actually spend longer in the shower Saturday, shave my legs.....he gives me a lie in and gets up with the kids so I’m not too tired. It’s working right now but I am looking forward to being more spontaneous when life allows it

Thanks all, it’s interesting to hear different perspectives on this. I think we might give it a go, after all we’ve got nothing to lose. And to be honest the sex we do have now isn’t spontaneous either, at least not for me, as I always spend at least a few days thinking ‘we should really have sex again soon’ before actually getting round to doing it!

We did, we treated it like we were having an affair (as basically that's what that involved, saying you'll definitely be having sex on an arranged date). We enjoyed it and made a little effort to send a flirty message or wear something nicer than usual.

@cordillera
Glad to hear it worked - the flirty messages and effort to wear something nice is what's missing from our sex life. If I do it, it get;s ignored or laughed off, and I;ve never, ever received any like of flirty message or text from her ever. At all. Whatsoever.

I read, understand and agree with the popular female perspective and narrative that foreplay starts earlier in the day (for some, I appreciate and admire women who have natural libidos that crave sex) and would put it forward that it goes for some men, too.

On occasions when the 'set your clock by it' sex comes round, I'm that flat and emotionally closed down from effectively having a marriage that's like living with a flatmate of family member, that there's just no spark or chemistry going on, which makes the sex rubbish and emotionless.

Far too often I find myself analysing it half way through and just thinking to myself, I'm not enjoying this, I'm getting nothing out of it other than disappointment and sadness and there's no chance of orgasm so just give up and stop. I'm at a loss as to what to do about it. I crave some naughty, enthusiastic, rude, passionate sex.

I know he’d like it more often.

But do you? Without that, this is not going to work as it's just going to become yet another chore.

Ours was and still is sat/sun morning.
But we are both spectacularly unromantic when it comes to sex and have often just said ‘fancy a shag’? Or ‘if you want a shag get on with it otherwise im getting up’

Mills n boon we aint! :)

busy I do, partly because I know it would make DH happy but also because when we do have sex I always enjoy it. I just don’t really get horny anymore or think ooh I really fancy a shag now...

People plan parties, barbecues, cinema, theatre, weddings!, etc and enjoy themselves so yes sometimes in busy lives and especially with kids, why not plan for sex? If you have a babysitter booked? Then go for it. You have the same day off? Go for it. Because DW works Saturday and I work M-F we both know Sunday morning will be a treat so if we don’t manage anything during the week at least we’ve got Sunday coming up. (In more ways than one) You can build up to it. During the day exchange texts. If going out, travel separately to the meeting place. If staying at home dim the lights, get some candles, sort out something nice to wear. I would think most of us, when dating before getting together probably knew in advance that the date would end up with sex, so why not after getting together or married?

That’s a very good point Another, I shall try and look at it that way!

We plan, 'snog times'! Basically a couple of nights a week where we kiss and cuddle, perhaps a pint down the pub now eldest DC can babysit the others. Sometimes it leads to sex, sometimes it doesn't but it does always leave us feeling calmer and closer.

It sounds like a bad idea. If one person doesn't want sex, then they still won't want it, but now they'll feel extra guilty for saying no.

"We plan, 'snog times'!"
That sounds like a better idea.

@Scott72
It sounds like a bad idea. If one person doesn't want sex, then they still won't want it, but now they'll feel extra guilty for saying no.

What sounds like a bad idea?

Why not just schedule a date night once a week?
One day every week there is a Tellyban, and we'll drink wine, talk, and play board games. That sounds rubbish as I read it, but honestly!
Getting drunk, talking, and facing each other often leads to both of us wanting sex, so it's not at all contrived. Often, there are too many wines opened and nothing happens, but that's fine too as we've already had a great night together.
I recommend it to all my friends - so does she.

I have to weigh in because we did this is a huge rut and it was causing big problems between us. It really helped us - it stopped him being either a sex pest or feeling constantly rejected and it helped me build myself up rather than feeling on edge that I’d have to reject him or do it when I really didn’t want to. I used it to try to restrain myself to look forward to it and we did this for probably a few years and gradually without even talking about the scheduled dates stopped being adhered to and the spontaneity came back

Sounds like a terrible idea.

What if one person isn’t up for the cup?

Surely sex should be spontaneous not a preplanned discipline?

It would be lovely if sex could always be spontaneous but when one of has almost totally lost their libido and you have life and kids and tiredness as barriers to spontaneity it can work wonders.

It really was no different to scheduling a date night and that’s how we viewed it, it helped me get over the “ugh I’m tired and I’m not up for it” feeling, wed make sure kids were in bed early and we’d had decent sleep the night before and helped break the rut of me constantly rejecting him because it was never on my priority list, we both made more of effort to make it a way to reconnect with each other - it was just physical instead of over dinner.

Worked for us, might be worth trying? We did it for a few years and our sex life is much better for it, and it helped me to get excited about having sex again rather than seeing it as a chore

Should add that as a PP mentioned it meant we both knew it would happen that night so prep and build up became a thing again, shaving legs, sending texts, wearing nice underwear, candles and wine - all the things that had almost totally disappeared from our sex life because “spontaneity” after 10+ years and 2 DC meant it felt a bit “fuck it’s bedtime and we haven’t fucked for a few weeks, we should probably just do it and get it over with so we can go to sleep”, def brought a bit more romanticism back into it!!

If one was having an affair and could only see the other person every other Tuesday I'm sure one would be expecting/looking forward/psyching up for sex, so why not with your DP/DH/DW? My DW always says - Have an affair with your OH, because if you don't someone else will. If possible, as mentioned above, on the scheduled day/night build up to it with flirty messages, do something and/or wear something different, make an effort.

Scheduled 'sex' nights are only going to put pressure on the partner with the lower sex drive.

Schedule date nights or non-sexual intimate nights. Like stroking and caressing. Sex might happen from that, or not. But there's should be less expectation and pressure on the one with a lower sex drive.

You might have some mind blowing sex or just a great time being close. It's a win-win.

We do Friday date night and it has worked for us. Nice wine and food and we both dress nicely to please each other and set time aside for just us. DH likes to have some coke that night too to give the evening extra edge and have to say sex is really good on those Fridays. Worth a try?

We do. It took some time to get into it. And it doesnt have to be full sex. But clothes off, cuddle, foreplay. Sometimes we just have great conversations naked in bed. Sometimes we have really good sex. I think it takes a while to reprogram yourself into having sex this way. But I think with busy lives it wouldn't happen otherwise. And s tear in I look forward to our weekly wex date.

It isn’t scheduled as such. We’ve never discussed it and I think it might spoil it if we did but, we both know that Sunday is ‘early night’ night.

By the time we get to Sunday, we will both be less tired. Too much wine often occurs on Fridays and Saturdays but on Sunday we eat our main meal at lunchtime so we’re not tired from the week, over-full of food or drunk. We’ve been married for 19 years and this unspoken schedule has probably been happening for the last decade.