Is this the end of our sex life? Or relationship? Or?

[kissmekwik]

(I've obvs name changed for this)

Been with DH over 18 years. Usual story of sex being good in the early years but dwindled - even before we got married.... to about once a month or less. Even on our month long honeymoon (10 years ago) we only managed it twice...

I just thought this was how life was, then had kids and it got worse.... I was terrified of sex after the birth of DC1 and forced myself to keep doing it to conceive DC2. I'm over that trauma now and DC2 is nearly 7 but I don't want sex with DH. He's nice and kind but he's like a brother or family member and it's getting worse. I used to be ok with sex once we got started, then noticed I didn't like him kissing my mouth so avoided that. The last time we tried it I also ended up blurting out 'stop doing that with your hands all over me!' the whole thing just makes my skin crawl.

The thing is, I still have a sex drive. I feel sexy and attractive and masturbate but I don't feel it with him. At all. If I don't masturbate I don't desire him any more either, tried that. I just lose the 'sex' bit of myself.

Is there a way to reverse this physical revulsion? I have to say our relationship overall isn't great but this is definitely the dead part.

The truth is if we didn't have kids I'd leave tomorrow. If he left me I'd be relieved, but he's too nice for that

This sounds more like a relationship issue than a sex issue.

And I think it might be time to start thinking about whether reviving this relationship is the way forward or not.

What did he say when you blurted that out? Did you discuss things then?

He didn't say anything - just took it as a direction that I didn't enjoy what he was doing.... we carried on for a bit but neither of us came and we gave up.

We haven't discussed that incident or our crap sex life in general. I don't really know what to say... 'kissing you is like kissing my dad so I can't bear it when you put your tongue in my mouth' or 'when you touch me my skin crawls'?! He is a decent person; kind, gentle, very patient. I don't want to hurt him but this is not good is it?

You sound like Kathleen Turner in The War of The Roses.....

Time to end it!!

Hmmm I don't want to smash his face in. I pity him and I feel stuck for how to fix the broken feelings.

Is it possible to undo the physical repulsion? The thought of him touching me makes me want to run and hide. But he's not mean or aggressive or nasty. It's just bleugh.

But not all sexual ideas are bleugh to me, though he is.

You aren’t sexually compatible; this is no reflection on either of you being good or bad people.

You need to separate and move forward in life, the sooner, the better.

Do you have anything in common or do things together outside the bedroom?

We have 2 kids so we have that in common...
We go out for dinner/drinks and socialise with friends together.
He is a funny guy and makes me laugh (but then so are my dad and brother....)

This is exactly how I feel about my H. I've told him I want to split as I can't take it anymore and I know it won't change as I can't bear the thought of him touching me. It's no way to have a marriage and I'm done. The fact that you would split if you didn't have kids says it all.

Have you thought about couples therapy?

I do think that without it you will never get back to having a healthy intimate relationship where you both enjoy it & not just do it because you feel you have to...

I stopped desiring my exh about 3 years before our marriage ended.. I'll never know if therapy would have helped but I know that lack of communication & affection definitely killed it for sure!

I guess it's worth a go.
I'm just not convinced 'therapy' (the MN Relationship board cure all) will help.
I know someone going through therapy, it's a bit like training a dog. They tell each other what they are missing then go away and practice doing the missing stuff. They are only doing it because therapy, not because they feel it or naturally want it.
To me it would be like acting my life not living it. And I can't act 'not repulsed'.

Tried sex again last night as I was really turned on. Started and felt yuk. Made him come quickly to get it over with. Said I was too drunk/tired.

That's a really sad post...Accept it, you're finished. Let him go and find someone else to love and you go and do the same. Life is too short to live like this. I'm sure it'll be a hard road but get on it and be positive going forward..x

I think is really sad and also agree with other comments. It does seem connected to the birth but now seems is more a relationship issue.

Sadly I don't think you are going to come back from this if you feel like that when he touches you. The difficulty is how much you tell him to try and minimise hurt but equally he needs to know it isn't a passing whim

This is fairly commonplace. I've read reviews of Women’s Infidelity by Michelle Langley. I know you haven't cheated, but parts of it are still relevant.

This quote stands out: "the women claimed that when their husbands touched them, they felt violated; they said their bodies would freeze up and they would feel tightness in their chest and/or a sick feeling in their stomach” - and this isn't when there's been any sort of abuse or mistreatment.

The author posits I think some sort of biochemical reason for this, that once the excitement of the early romance has worn off, her brain starts to register him as a stranger or even close male relative.

You implied you would be happy if he left but if you imagine him having sex with another woman and wanting to be with her, how does that really make you feel? Could you have both taken each other for granted and stopped doing exciting new things together. Date nights/days. Time out together to see each other as individuals again.

Milliy I would be shocked he was capable of it (he's so nice and inoffensive) but I'd just see it as the end of the relationship, a welcome relief. In fact there's a single mum he works with who is a mutual friend, she really wants to settle down, I've thought they'd be perfect together (not sure what he'd think though!)

Milliy also what 'exciting new things' could two forty-somethings do together?!?!
We do get a babysitter and go out for dinner/drinks. I dress up, do hair and makeup etc, he puts on a nice shirt. It's just a way of spending over £100 to have the same conversation we'd have on the sofa. At least I don't have to cook but it's definitely not exciting. What on Earth is in your 40s?!?!

I feel sorry for him. Perhaps the kindest thing you could do is break up with him so he can be with someone who wants values and desires him. And you can as well

Kissmekwik O that is not good. I'm in my 50s and we still do fun things together. But then again, I love him, am in love with him and still think he is a very sexy man. Maybe that's the difference.

But milliy you haven't given me any examples of 'fun things' or 'exciting things'?!

If your not in love with him and get excited spending time with him, then no list will be exciting.
We love going on dates as we get to spend time together. We go to the cinema, hold hands and drink coffee. Pizza after. Dinner out once a month. Walks in our hiking boots. Trips to the beach with icecream. Out to our favourite little coffee shops. Art galleries. Watching films at home. Concerts. Like I said though, if you don't fancy him then nothing will be exciting. If it helps, our kids are now grown ups and it was harder in our 40s to feel this way. We lost each other in our 40s and nearly ended things. It was a big wake up call and are both happy we got through that, to this stage.

Oh I see. I do some/most of those things already. It's just 'doing stuff'. Eating ice cream out and going for walks is not going to make me want to have sex with him, you're absolutely right.
The kids are 9 and 6 and hard work. He does more than his fair share though. The thought of waiting another 12 years to feel any better is crushing, actually.

It's not just doing stuff though is it. It's making time to be together, alone and remembering that your still a couple. That you both come first . To be honest, from what you say, nothing will make it more exciting and you don't seem bothered. So just tell him.

I think forcing yourself to have sex with your DH just to conceive baby number 2 says a lot. I asked how you would feel if you were to imagine him having a passionate sexual affair with another woman as sometimes when you can step outside your usual view of him and see him through different eyes it can show how you really feel or at least what you don't want to happen. But you have said you would be happy for him to go off with the single mum friend. There appears to be nothing to save here.

Re: conceiving DC2 at the time I [thought I?] was pushing through the effects of the traumatic birth of DC1 (likely PTSD, got an ELCS on the NHS for DC2). I used to hide my face as I was physically retching....

That actually stopped and although sex was sparse after DC2 I didn't feel so physically repulsed. And it's like the yuk feeling changed, from being appalled that anything was touching me below the waist (then) to (now) actually not wanting his touch (on my face/torso/wherever). In fact I can manage to detach the below the waist stuff (it ends up being a bit like masturbating with your eyes shut and a human sex toy) but not him kissing and caressing me..... yuk.

Tell him. Tell him nicely how you feel.