Is this the end of our sex life? Or relationship? Or?

[kissmekwik]

(I've obvs name changed for this)

Been with DH over 18 years. Usual story of sex being good in the early years but dwindled - even before we got married.... to about once a month or less. Even on our month long honeymoon (10 years ago) we only managed it twice...

I just thought this was how life was, then had kids and it got worse.... I was terrified of sex after the birth of DC1 and forced myself to keep doing it to conceive DC2. I'm over that trauma now and DC2 is nearly 7 but I don't want sex with DH. He's nice and kind but he's like a brother or family member and it's getting worse. I used to be ok with sex once we got started, then noticed I didn't like him kissing my mouth so avoided that. The last time we tried it I also ended up blurting out 'stop doing that with your hands all over me!' the whole thing just makes my skin crawl.

The thing is, I still have a sex drive. I feel sexy and attractive and masturbate but I don't feel it with him. At all. If I don't masturbate I don't desire him any more either, tried that. I just lose the 'sex' bit of myself.

Is there a way to reverse this physical revulsion? I have to say our relationship overall isn't great but this is definitely the dead part.

The truth is if we didn't have kids I'd leave tomorrow. If he left me I'd be relieved, but he's too nice for that

Oh shit this is serious isn't it?
I really can't rock the relationship boat too much right now. We live abroad, unpicking this is almost impossible.... Telling him, however nicely, is going to throw a grenade on the broken frame of our relationship.

Talk to him, see how he feels. You may be surprised. He must know things aren't good. Talk or carry on like this forever

This is really very sad but it happens. You just don't fancy him anymore and that is not something you can force or find. You tried dating etc and even the thought of him with someone else is ok with you.

It's either open relationship, leave or sexless marriage. Keeping going is being cruel to you and him. If he is as nice as you say give someone else a chance to enjoy him.

Your conversation with him is going to be one of the hardest things you will ever do but it's the only fair way of moving on. You need to act, stop hanging on to a dead marriage. Who knows in time you might still be able to be the best of friends.

Jesus you need to leave this guy and let him get on and meet someone who isn’t repulsed by him.

You're effectively using this poor guy for your own sense of security. Problem is, he's taking it too, which isn't going to make you fancy him any more.

Whoever gets the first real opportunity to cheat, probably will do. If not already.

If he's bringing in the money, you've always got the option of trying to stick it out/head in the sand for as long as you can, so you've got more to move on with. He might force the issue by cheating on you.

Sounds crap, but that's the reality

This happened to me and after 3.5 years of no sex he left. I just couldn’t bear him to touch me. It was sad for him but the marriage had been rubbish for a long time. He soon met someone else and he seems happy now. Good luck!

How are you doing now OP?

I honestly think that in your mind you have associated sex with him with your birth trauma, and forcing yourself to have sex with someone when you don’t want it is incredibly damaging to your intimacy and wider relationship. I don’t think people realise the psychological harm this can do. I did it once and I knew if I ever did it again, I’d never be able to let him touch me again ever. Now I have my sex drive back, my trauma is dealt with and I am so much better. I had no sexual desire at all though, not for anyone or anything. Didn’t even touch myself for many years. Couldn’t stand the thought.

I would start with the birth trauma - EMDR is massively helpful. I also have a history of sexual abuse and rape which made things worse. Counselling did nothing for me but EMDR was miraculous.

I ended a marriage like yours (many years ago!) Life is very short and I'm now with someone who 10 years on I still get the tummy flips when he full on kisses me. We're not perfect, life has thrown a lot at us over the years and we're both working and raising teenagers!
What really struck me was what you said about what could you do that was fun. Dh & I don't have much free time but this weekend we've got an empty house for the evening. We'll get (a bit) drunk and shag like teenagers. Or go to the pub and talk and drink and kiss.
Your dh deserves more (as do you)

You need to end this marriage, before you destroy him. He will be painfully aware of your feelings of revulsion for him. That can absolutely decimate his self confidence. The kindest thing to do is to end this, for both of you. Don't stay with him just because you're abroad and it will be difficult - that's just using him for the stability and kindness he offers, while reviling him. That's not kind at all.

Life for both of you can be so much better when you're free to find the right person (or none).