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Original poster

being honest about sex problems

32 replies

soonbeseptember · 31/08/2018 08:58

We're in a relationship of several years. Sex has always been relatively infrequent, due to health issues on both sides and also because he made a big thing at the beginning about how it wasn't important to him, he wasn't expecting sex daily or even weekly. He's all about the emotional connection, and can be easily distracted or put off sex if he's feeling below par, there's a distracting noise and so on.

So far this year we've attempted sex twice. He didnt/ couldn't finish either time. He recently instigated a discussion wherein he told me that I appear bored and uncomfortable during sex. And that I never finish him off of he cant finish himself.

I can't help what expression he thinks O have. On one of those occasions it was a good 20 mins of thrusting. Any previous partner has finished within 5 mins. Admittedly most were uninterested in my pleasure, and he does always make sure that I am satisfied...but...in terms of a hand/ blow job, I have tried. He doesn't much like the latter; the former again 20 mins or more. I simply don't have the bicep strength to keep going. Again this hasn't been an issue with previous partners as they would achieve orgasm after 5 mins, 10 max.

I appreciate he intended the discussion to be constructive but I've been left feeling attacked and demeaned.

I haven't mentioned the stuff above to him as I'm trying to be sensitive and not affect his performance. But I'm concerned how we move forward from this.

OP posts:
AjasLipstick · 31/08/2018 09:03

What stands out to me is you say "it was a good 20 minutes of thrusting" as a way of explaining your possibly bored expression....but...what are you getting out of those 20 minutes??

You don't have to just lie there you know. If it's boring, do something else...change positions or thrust back..

Original poster
soonbeseptember · 31/08/2018 09:07

I'm not getting much out of them after 5-10 mins to be honest. I can't move about much due to position because if I do he will slip out or lose erection and then we're back to sq. 1.

OP posts:
Original poster
soonbeseptember · 31/08/2018 09:09

I don't deliberately put on a bored expression. But I feel now like I'm being scrutinised. Which is off putting.

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AjasLipstick · 31/08/2018 09:20

Has he seen the doctor about his erectile dysfunction? This is not a situation you should have to live with. Being unable to move for fear he will lose his erection isn't good.

HeckyPeck · 31/08/2018 09:26

Has he seen the doctor about his erectile dysfunction? This is not a situation you should have to live with. Being unable to move for fear he will lose his erection isn't good.

This. Do you want to live like this for the rest of your life?

Original poster
soonbeseptember · 31/08/2018 09:31

I don't think he would say he has erectile dysfunction. Like I say he can keep going for a long time. But it takes him a long long time to orgasm.

I don't know if I'm being unfair...when I say lose erection if I move and so he slips out it will be semi hard, but of course then either I or he will need to stimulate by hand so we can restart sex. We are mjd 40s.

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Original poster
soonbeseptember · 31/08/2018 09:33

I'm not that bothered about sex right now if I'm honest. I have a busy life, career, kids. I don't feel particularly attractive at the moment and his comments have just made me feel worse about myself.

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AjasLipstick · 31/08/2018 09:38

Is he watching loads of porn? I ask because men who can only do it in certain positions with a certain amount of friction have often masturbated to excess and desensitised themselves.

Original poster
soonbeseptember · 31/08/2018 09:43

He used to watch it a lot, to the point he regarded himself as being addicted. However he stopped watching any form of it about 2-2.5 years ago (our relationship nearly ended at that point) and I know he hasn't gone back to it since. However prior to that time I think he looked at it in some form pretty much daily for over 20 years.

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StressedGuy · 31/08/2018 09:55

Is he on any form of anti depressant as this can cause delayed ejaculation?

Is he turned on enough? If not, orgasm will be a country mile away as I'm sure it would be for you.

If he only has sex twice a year, that sounds to me like someone with a very low sex drive, which in itself might point towards low levels of interest/excitement, which could make orgasm a distant finishing post.

I have no idea as to your actual dynamic, however for some men, the biggest turn on is a passionate and enthusiastic partner. I've been in a situation before more than once where a certain partner was just lying there like an old coat with no noise, reciprocal movement or feedback, as if she would rather be watching TV - on those occasions I literally stopped and gave up half way through as it was clearly a waste of energy.

I'm not saying that is you, but if the chemistry between you is not there, he might not feel aroused enough emotionally to climax, as despite what many people think, to a lot of men, it's not just the physical act or being hard, no more than it is for a woman who is wet - orgasm is not intrinsically linked and comes from a mental state of mind.

There is no time limit or minimum requirement for a hand or blow job to achieve orgasm. If I'm sufficiently turned on enough, a couple of mins is all it can take. If I'm not turned on enough, you could go on forever without a result.

HeckyPeck · 31/08/2018 10:29

Interesting points stressedguy, but OP can’t be passionate when she’s not even allowed to move!

Sounds like he’s ruined himself with porn. Losing an erection when your partner moves is ED.

It doesn’t sound like the greatest relationship if he’s making you feel unattractive, he demeans and attacks you and tries to blame his ED on you.

Anyone would be bored and uninterested if they aren’t even allowed to move.

StressedGuy · 31/08/2018 10:36

Agreed, there does sound like ED that needs addressing.

I wouldn't jump on the porn assumption though without evidence.

I;d add that it;s possible to lie still and be sexy/passionate/into it - verbal response, positive feedback, encouragement, dirty talk - "harder, faster, deeper, just like that, please don't stop..." etc, etc. All gives positive and erotic feedback to help the process along.

Of course I would only suggest that if it;s natural and heart felt, as fake solves nothing.

To me, the massive red flags are twice a year and going soft - the guy ins't into sex, nor turned on. I'd start here before worrying about 20 minute blow jobs or whether you look bored.

Original poster
soonbeseptember · 31/08/2018 11:29

It's been twice this year. This is lower than 'the norm' (which I would have said was 1-2 times a month) and has been due to health and other factors. I have tried to initiate sex on a few other occasions he has not been up for it. I have never refused sex that he has initiated.

This is not a situation im familiar with. Men normally find me sexually attractive and want to have sex with me. In fact that was an issue because in a lot of previous encounters I ended up in more of a FWB situation, because men just saw me as sex not relationship. I wanted a better connection. And this is where I've ended up. I don't think I have ever felt less attractive in a relationship. Even when I was subject to physical and verbal abuse by 1 former partner he still wanted sex with me.

I probably used to be more enthusiastic and move more in the early days. But the issues mentioned and physical difficulties mean some positions are impossible and others uncomfortable if sex is 20 mins long. He seems to prefer sex from behind which I find impersonal and a little degrading.

We don't dirty talk in sex. I'd find doing so now really odd and fake.

In general terms our relationship is good. To outward appearances this is the perfect relationship. But if he's not attracted to me or turned on im not sure what I'm meant to do to resolve this or even if it can be resolved.

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HeckyPeck · 31/08/2018 11:40

I wonder if your previous relationships have left you with lower standards than usual? Do you find yourself comparing him to exs thinking at least he doesn’t abuse me?

It doesn’t sound like he cares about sex which means it’s very unlikely he’ll do anything about it. And blaming you for it is going to leave you feeling worse and worse as time goes on.

What might your future look like without him do you think? I suspect you’d be happier either with someone else who appreciates you or on your own and not having to worry about what he thinks @ having your self esteem eroded.

Original poster
soonbeseptember · 31/08/2018 11:51

I don't think my standards are lower. Before meeting him I deliberately set out to find someone who saw me as more than just a sex object. However perhaps I went too far the other way.

I don't feel grateful he isn't abusive. That relationship was long ago but I think they key thing is however dysfunctional it was that partner still wanted sex with me. And I'm nor sure my current partner does.

I would manage without him of course I did before. But in 30 years he has been the first and only man to not just see me as a pair of tits. We do engage well on many levels. But this is always an issue. My concern is he seems to think it is my issue and therefore wants me to fix it. Whilst I can change my behaviors to an extent, I'm right in thinking that its not all me is it? And it's not unfair of me to tell him that? Should I say sex feels prolonged and ask if he is actually attracted to me?

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StressedGuy · 31/08/2018 11:56

My only concern about discussing sex being prolonged and is he attracted to you is that the two might not be interlinked.

How many times do we read about women who cannot or find it very difficult to orgasm - it would be the same as the man asking the woman "What's wrong, do you find me attractive?"

I get the sentiment, but it might not be helpful.

I suspect his foundation level of sexuality is just too low for you.

HeckyPeck · 31/08/2018 11:57

That makes sense re going too far the other way.

I don’t think it’s your issue at all and I don’t think it would be unfair to tell him that. He’s ducking out of any responsibility by blaming you and he doesn’t care that that’s upsetting you (as well as untrue) I think you have to be able to be honest in relationships.

There’s nothing you can do to fix his ED/lack of sex drive.

I also think unless you’d be genuinely happy with no sex, this relationship is only going to ruin your self esteem further.

Original poster
soonbeseptember · 31/08/2018 12:06

It's not me that has raised the lack of sex, it's him. He says he wants more sex, back to the levels it was before, but that he doesn't feel desired by me and that when we have sex i seem bored.

Is this just him deflecting how hes feeling?

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HeckyPeck · 31/08/2018 12:22

I think he has his head in the sand about his problems at the very least.

As you’d mentioned earlier he then leaves you feeling attacked and deemeded that makes time think he knows it’s his fault and is getting defensive and putting the blame on you.

Are you bored when you have sex? (I wouldn’t blame you if you were, not being able to move at all and it going on for ages would be boring for me, no to mention make me feel like a sex hole. Like any reminder that I’m actually there puts him off.)

HeckyPeck · 31/08/2018 12:22

Makes me not makes time

StressedGuy · 31/08/2018 12:23

How often do either of you initiate?

How often does the other person reject the advances?

Original poster
soonbeseptember · 31/08/2018 12:26

I have never declined any attempt he has made.

This year there have been about 3 occasions when I tried to initiate and he made it clear he was tired/ stressed.

Of the two occasions when anything happened, one was by him and one me.

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StressedGuy · 31/08/2018 12:35

He doesn't sound like a guy trying to have more sex.

Original poster
soonbeseptember · 31/08/2018 13:21

Well, yes.

Although his perspective seems to be that because previous attempts haven't gone well, and because he generally gets a not interested feeling from me, he is put off from trying to initiate. And then when I initiate I guess he's not really into it for the same reasons.

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Room4improvement · 31/08/2018 20:20

He might be rubbish at initiating, to the extent that you don’t realise that is what he has on his mind. If he gets the suggestion that there might be any reason you would reject he may back off before you realise what is going on. Not that that is your issue in any way, but it is possible. Sounds like he has confidence issues and is trying to deflect them. He sounds depressed to be honest, like he has in his mind that he wants more sex and the idea is appealing but that when it come down to it he is so fragile that he can’t enjoy it for overthinking it

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