being honest about sex problems

[soonbeseptember]

We're in a relationship of several years. Sex has always been relatively infrequent, due to health issues on both sides and also because he made a big thing at the beginning about how it wasn't important to him, he wasn't expecting sex daily or even weekly. He's all about the emotional connection, and can be easily distracted or put off sex if he's feeling below par, there's a distracting noise and so on.

So far this year we've attempted sex twice. He didnt/ couldn't finish either time. He recently instigated a discussion wherein he told me that I appear bored and uncomfortable during sex. And that I never finish him off of he cant finish himself.

I can't help what expression he thinks O have. On one of those occasions it was a good 20 mins of thrusting. Any previous partner has finished within 5 mins. Admittedly most were uninterested in my pleasure, and he does always make sure that I am satisfied...but...in terms of a hand/ blow job, I have tried. He doesn't much like the latter; the former again 20 mins or more. I simply don't have the bicep strength to keep going. Again this hasn't been an issue with previous partners as they would achieve orgasm after 5 mins, 10 max.

I appreciate he intended the discussion to be constructive but I've been left feeling attacked and demeaned.

I haven't mentioned the stuff above to him as I'm trying to be sensitive and not affect his performance. But I'm concerned how we move forward from this.

He’s definitely trying to shift all the blame onto you.

Does he try to see it from your perspective at all?

This is waaaaayy too much hard work for you. Sex is supposed to be about pleasure for both of you. Yes health/disability issues need to be worked around sometimes, patience and understanding are the key to most physical issues.

But patience and understanding can't turn someone with a low sex drive into someone with a high(er) sex drive.

As a PP said, he is not acting like someone who wants more sex.

I personally couldn't stay in this relationship, not unless he was happy for me to have a FWB or two on the side.

I know he hasn't gone back to it since

I'd be very surprised if that's the case here OP. He's possibly still watching it.

I agree with Ajas.
If you’ve been using porn for so long then giving up the habit is very difficult (like stopping smoking or drinking).
Porn is for want of a better phrase an ‘easy wank’. No stress, no worrying about anyone else, just pure self indulgence.
Which is great .... until you come to sex with a real woman and most of the key things that get you off with porn are not there.
I’m not saying porn is right or wrong but it’s definitely different to having sex with someone.
It soon becomes the easy and preferable option in a relationship where there are some communication and other background issues.

He must the only man on Planet Earth to not like a blow-job.

The amount of sex doesn't bother me that much, as a baseline I'm happy with 1-2 times a month. I've got a busy life and things to do. We don't live together so there is a lot less opportunity for spontaneous sex when you're not under the same roof.

I know for certain he doesn't use porn and hasnt for over 2 years. He had counselling over his addiction which he found helpful in understanding why he used it so much and how it affected his relationships.

XPC.... no