Can anyone help me get my head round his porn habit

[Todayisanewday75]

Sorry if this gets a bit rambling, there is a lot I need to get out of my head before I go slightly mad. I know DP wouldn’t be happy about me posting here but suspect he would be mortified if I spoke to anyone in real life.
Anyway, I know he’s always had an interest in porn but has always kept it secret in our relationship. There have been a few times he’s not hidden it well enough and I’ve accidentally found it and felt hurt but he’s said it’s very occasional and we’ve got over it.
Last week though I found his old phone on the bed and of course there was porn on it. I looked at his history for the last month and there was absoluely loads. I told him I’d found the phone but he didn’t say anything until the next day when I told him his silence spoke volumes. He said he just couldn’t talk to me about it, hadn’t done it in ages, it was a one off after a really stressful day.
Things have been tricky for us for a while, lots of external crap, having three children is hard work, he doesn’t get on with my eldest and our youngest is challenging to say the least.
So for a few days we made an effort to make more time for us.
But then on Friday I got hit by a huge wave of insecurity about it and spoke to him again. He still tried to say it was a one off so I told him I’d seen the history. He didn’t say anything for a long time then said it was just something he has always done especially when feeling stressed, and that I shouldn’t feel insecure as it’s nothing to do with me or us. I got the impression that it’s something he’s done for most if not all of our relationship, even the blissfully happy beginning. I asked if he thought he had a problem and he admitted it probably was, said he could get help, but I have my doubts he’ll actually do it. I asked if watching it together might help, he said possibly.
I don’t think I’m a prude, I don’t think anyone who watches porn is disgusting, it just hurts when it’s him and I don’t really know why. I have read a lot lately about differing opinions on porn but just can’t work out how I really feel about it.
I don’t want to end the relationship, I love him dearly, but if he can’t stop and I don’t know how to deal with it how can we really have a healthy and happy relationship? Will I be treading on eggshells so he doesn’t get too stressed? Will I be wondering when he goes upstairs to his office if he’s really “doing paperwork “?
He says he doesn’t want to brush anything under the carpet anymore, I guess we both know that would just build resentment and potentially destroy our relationship.
This is the longest post I’ve ever written on mumsnet so I’d better get to the point. Any advice on how to move forwards would be gratefully received

What problem exactly is it causing in your relationship? Is he refusing you sex when you want it?

No, never! He can often be moody though, could that be related?
The problem is how I feel about the extent of it.

Does he feel like he gets as much sex as he wants? I don't really see how his moodiness would be related.

As to the extent, is he neglecting his duties around the house or with the children? If he was watching telly for the same amount of time, would that be a problem?

He says he is happy with our sex, we’d both like more at the moment but family life has got in the way, which is why we’re trying to make more time for us.
Maybe he won’t admit it but Im not enough for him sexually. I know one of the times I accidentally found out a long time ago he had actually watched straight after having sex with me.
No he doesn’t neglect his duties or the children at all.
Another concern is that if he thinks it’s problematic it could be bordering into addiction.

Addiction is usually defined by the extent to which an activity disrupts a person's ability to function and carry out their responsibilities to others. That's why I was asking the questions I asked. I don't think it has anything to do with you being inadequate. I think it's just something that men do. You might find these helpful if you haven't read them already:

www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/why-men-like-porn#1

www.psychologytoday.com/blog/sexual-intelligence/201707/husbands-watch-porn-wives-despair-why

As the first article suggests, men are evolved to be ready for sex at almost anytime and for most men, it doesn't replace their interest in their partner or cause problems to the extent you'd label it an addiction.

Hi today
Fwiw I don't think it's 'something that men do'. If it's a compulsion and it's making you unhappy then it's a problem in the relationship & he should want to change.

I would also struggle to accept this level of use from my husband (I don't know that he views porn at all).

From experience I think addiction is a compulsion, when you lose the ability to take it or leave it.

Would watching it together help to make less of an issue?

www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/0415691915/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o03_s00?psc=1&tag=mumsnetforum-21&ie=UTF8

Was recommended this book and it's really helped us both.

Was in similar position. It's not the fact he's watching Porn its the lies that go along with the watching and then the stopped watching and the fact the trust is broken.

Honestly buy book. You read it, then him. It's not mega long but did help and explain a few things.

End of day you going to leave over some porn??? I know I won't but I also wont take lies either! give him the out to tell you when he wnats to, or do together, or at least say.

xx

I'm an HCP and am used to a somewhat narrower definition of addiction:

Definition of Addiction

Addiction is characterized by inability to consistently abstain, impairment in behavioral control, craving, diminished recognition of significant problems with one’s behaviors and interpersonal relationships, and a dysfunctional emotional response. Like other chronic diseases, addiction often involves cycles of relapse and remission. Without treatment or engagement in recovery activities, addiction is progressive and can result in disability or premature death.

I understand that his behavior makes you uncomfortable, but I'm not sure it rises to the level of addiction.

Thanks gemma that’s really helpful.
No, I’m really not going to leave him over porn but I think the time has come for more honesty and togetherness, possibly in other areas of our relationship too.
I will look at the book but can’t buy it without telling him as my kindle is on his amazon account (my eldests kindle is on my amazon account).

Would it be a bad idea to tell him about this thread? I don’t want to upset him but I’m also rubbish with secrets.

I got the book from googling some of the issues we were having - and all very similar! It was on some therapist page and it did help lots x

Buy it in hard back - I made notes on it before I gave to other half to read!

Havong looked at the link I’m not sure what he’ll make of the title!

Honestly it really helped!! Especially if his use is a lot to do with stress, worth trying promise x

I definitely need to try something. A couple of times lately I’ve looked at him and it’s been the first thing I’ve thought of, everything on that phone, all the years of it, all the future years of it.

Unfortunately porn has different functions and meaning for you and your husband.

For him it's probably a way to escape and soothe himself and for you well you said it above.

I think you were brave and right in suggesting you watch together.

I assume that if there rest of your relationship and general situation were healthier it wouldn't be that much of an issue but now it's exacerbated.

However "solving" the porn problem alone is not going to be enough. I think you need to work on all aspects of the relationship, from the ground up, rather than focus on this one aspect and possibly make things even worse because resentment will increase on both sides.

Is he masturbating while you are in the house? If so, you could address that maybe. First, you could suggest you are more available sexually than he might think if that is indeed true. Or you could tell him you are happy for him masturbate in the same room/bed as you when you are not in the mood for sex. That way you are not separated when he does and he might not feel the need to sneak off for porn.

thiswas I think we’ll need some counselling for all relationship difficulties. I suggested we started without talking about the porn and he seemed open to the idea but I don’t expect it to happen any time soon.

I don’t think the porn is 100% about wanking, he once told me that he only wanked when watching when he absolutely had to come. It’s not about me not being in the mood either, I have only ever rejected him once when I was 9 months pregnant and my waters broke that evening.

Although everyone is different, I have never heard of a guy watching porn without wanking. Is that a thing?

Apparently it is. Also I can’t say masturbation is really the issue with me, I’d be a hypocrite if I did. It’s more to do with how much he is watching, what he is watching, why he is watching and where that all fits in our relationship.

The only thing with the suggestions here, making myself more sexually available, watching with him, is that it seems I am the only one making the effort. Compromising myself? While he carries on with what he’s doing and gets more sex into the bargain when essentially the problem lies with him. And I have no idea how to get him to talk.

That last bit came out the wrong way, of course I am willing to put in the effort but I’d like to feel it was reciprocated.
I should not post when I have insomnia!

Any progress OP?
Fwiw (and in my experience ) I don't think it's anything to do with making yourself more available, or that telling him to wank in bed next to you would stop it. As far as I have figured out from dh and his (lying about his) porn habits, it's all about a quick and easy sexual thrill, with variety and situations unlikely to occur in RL. Nice, eh? Why they can't just use their imagination, I don't know. I also don't think you're likely to get the whole truth of it by asking. Does he actually want to stop it, or just stop you mentioning it? What has he said about it?

He hasn’t really said much, apart from that he hasn’t watched any since I found the phone, which I’m pretty sure isn’t true.
I did download a book on internet porn addiction and asked him to read it.
I know what you mean about not getting the truth about it from him.
And the phone is still sitting on his desk so stopping clearly isn’t his plan. I don’t want to make him stop though, I want to understand it more and stop it being problematic for him and an issue for me.

Has he read any of it?
I'm not sure why you say it is problematic for him... Do you mean he must have a problem with it because he lies about it? He obviously doesn't think he has a problem if he's not doing anything about it, and you're pretty sure he's still lying to you.
Tbh, the lying is the bit I found hardest, but after reading a lot online in general on here, I realised there is so much wrong with it, esp the way it shapes ppls concept of what normal expectations of sexual behaviour is. If this is an issue for you, he should be working with you on an honest compromise, not you looking for a way to make yourself accept it as being OK. Because besides anything else, something which causes someone to lie to their partner is not OK. And it's OK to have an issue with this.

I don't really see why you have an issue with this. Everyone's first sexual experience is usually with themselves and he's entitled to a solo sex life. You're attempting to control him and I don't think you should.