Can anyone help me get my head round his porn habit

[Todayisanewday75]

Sorry if this gets a bit rambling, there is a lot I need to get out of my head before I go slightly mad. I know DP wouldn’t be happy about me posting here but suspect he would be mortified if I spoke to anyone in real life.
Anyway, I know he’s always had an interest in porn but has always kept it secret in our relationship. There have been a few times he’s not hidden it well enough and I’ve accidentally found it and felt hurt but he’s said it’s very occasional and we’ve got over it.
Last week though I found his old phone on the bed and of course there was porn on it. I looked at his history for the last month and there was absoluely loads. I told him I’d found the phone but he didn’t say anything until the next day when I told him his silence spoke volumes. He said he just couldn’t talk to me about it, hadn’t done it in ages, it was a one off after a really stressful day.
Things have been tricky for us for a while, lots of external crap, having three children is hard work, he doesn’t get on with my eldest and our youngest is challenging to say the least.
So for a few days we made an effort to make more time for us.
But then on Friday I got hit by a huge wave of insecurity about it and spoke to him again. He still tried to say it was a one off so I told him I’d seen the history. He didn’t say anything for a long time then said it was just something he has always done especially when feeling stressed, and that I shouldn’t feel insecure as it’s nothing to do with me or us. I got the impression that it’s something he’s done for most if not all of our relationship, even the blissfully happy beginning. I asked if he thought he had a problem and he admitted it probably was, said he could get help, but I have my doubts he’ll actually do it. I asked if watching it together might help, he said possibly.
I don’t think I’m a prude, I don’t think anyone who watches porn is disgusting, it just hurts when it’s him and I don’t really know why. I have read a lot lately about differing opinions on porn but just can’t work out how I really feel about it.
I don’t want to end the relationship, I love him dearly, but if he can’t stop and I don’t know how to deal with it how can we really have a healthy and happy relationship? Will I be treading on eggshells so he doesn’t get too stressed? Will I be wondering when he goes upstairs to his office if he’s really “doing paperwork “?
He says he doesn’t want to brush anything under the carpet anymore, I guess we both know that would just build resentment and potentially destroy our relationship.
This is the longest post I’ve ever written on mumsnet so I’d better get to the point. Any advice on how to move forwards would be gratefully received

I’m pretty sure wanting to understand and not be lied to cannot be classed as controlling.

But why does he feel he needs to lie about watching it?

I don’t know, he always has.

Maybe because he knows you don't like it

I think you have missed the point of this thread.

Ok so what was the point?

Perhaps you should read my first post.
I am in no way trying to control him. I am not telling him he can’t watch porn. I’m certainly not telling him he can’t wank without me.
What I’m looking for is a mutual understanding and respect because I want this relationship to last forever.

I have read it

I don't get it though obviously so good luck and no more advice from me

Why did you check his phone? What prompted you...? Are there underlying trust issues here?

FWIW, I would feel just as you do. I am very cool with porn in the abstract, solo sex is awesome, I really enjoy watching porn with my partner... I'd freak the FUCK out if he had an unhealthy relationship with it. I'm not secure enough for that.

It was an old phone lying on the bed, hasn’t been his current phone for years. I would never snoop on the phone he uses.

I seeeee. Yeah. I get why it aroused curiosity.

Re the actual problem - I’d suggest watching porn together, because you’d probably enjoy it anyway (and it might dampen his ardour for screen sex a little, as it’s no longer ‘forbidden’ and therefore illicit). I’d also be quietly noting his quiet alone upstairs time so you can get a handle on what the scale of the problem might be.

Thanks. I think not feeling secure enough to deal with his unhealthy relationship with porn are the words I couldn’t find to say how I feel.

Having seen a months history, which happened to be over christmas, I can say it’s pretty extensive.

fitbit the more I think about it the lying really is the dealbreaker. I just wish he could try and be open and honest with me, then at least I’d be able to work out how exactly I feel and find a way forwards.

I think by the way you are confronting him you are making it sound like you do have a problem with him watching porn, you said he promised you he would stop but you are now saying the problem is him lying.

From when guys/women look at their first dirty magazine (depending on age) or porn online it's done in secrecy. It's not something people go shouting about. But once they are with a partner it can go two ways depending on your reaction when you catch them, either they will carry on hiding it because you didn't react well to finding out they watch porn or they will be comfortable enough to not have to sneak around and hide because you were more accepting.

If I were you I would ask to watch it with him and show him you don't have a problem with him watching it. It will make it something he won't feel like he's got to hide and lie about

When I have spoken to him I have purposefully tried not to be confrontational, judgemental or critical. I did not tell him he had to promise to stop. I told him that I’d prefer him to watch and be honest with me rather than keep hiding it from me. And I have made it clear that we could watch it together.

You take the lead and put some porn on when you both have time to yourselves don't wait for him. He might find it awkward and embarrassing to start watching in front of you

I think that I would feel quite awkward doing that!

Maybe I just need to accept that this will always be the stumbling block in our relationship, the side of him I don’t know.

What I’m looking for is a mutual understanding and respect because I want this relationship to last forever.

To be honest, at the moment it merely seems that he understands you aren't very keen on porn and so he tries to keep it secret from you. You, on the other hand, do not seem to understand that he likes to indulge in what appears to be a non-harmful hobby and you could just ignore it. He says it's nothing to do with you. Either trust and believe him, or you don't trust or believe him.

I should clarify. He senses you are not keen, which is why he's hiding it. But if you're saying "share it with me", he's going to be pretty confused. It's like asking someone to share their toilet habits with you - he knows you don't really want to see what his various porn interests you and so he's going to keep his guard up. I think you need to get your head around the idea that some things individuals can remain private without it being weird.