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Original poster

bad sex and no intimacy with new man

44 replies

alldownhillfromhere · 14/12/2017 20:53

I've started dating a man who is perfect (so far) in every way and everything between us is brilliant, but the sex is awful and I don't know what to do about it. I've had two lengthy relationships and a handful of sexual partners, whereas he's slept with over a hundred women and his relationships have been much shorter and many of them. When we're together he's constantly surprised that I want to be affectionate, or tell him how much I enjoy his body, or look into his eyes - like it's weird and abnormal. I don't have all his experience - am I weird? He's finding it very difficult to get turned on by me because I'm "so loving" and he has to close his eyes and concentrate to get aroused. He will only have sex in positions that to me feel impersonal, like he's miles away from me. He often loses his erection. I'm feeling all my confidence ebbing away because clearly I'm not very sexy. Advice please - how can I improve for him? He's in his 50s, I'm 10 years younger.

OP posts:
Guiltypleasures001 · 14/12/2017 21:01

Hi op

It sounds to me like he has huge issues with women and sex, intimacy seems to make him uncomfortable, like he would prefer you to lay there and do nothing, like a sex doll

Ide imagine if he's slept with all these women, he's looking for something he's not getting, and they have all had the same experience as you.

It's not you lovely this time it's really him, ide leave him to his fruitless search and find yourself
a reciprocating warm and real partner 💐

Original poster
alldownhillfromhere · 14/12/2017 21:03

No porn habit by the way, or not that he's admitting to! Is it because of all the one night stands that he's expecting something a bit more dynamic?

OP posts:
MyBrilliantDisguise · 14/12/2017 21:05

No, it's because he's slept with so many women that he's never had a clue. He doesn't associate affection with sex. He's never had long-term sex with a partner, where he's learned what she likes. Sex is remote because he only has sex with strangers.

Honestly, there are so many red flags around this man.

Original poster
alldownhillfromhere · 14/12/2017 21:06

Thank you guiltypleasures001 I appreciate your advice. It's hard not to feel a bit crap.

OP posts:
Tinselistacky · 14/12/2017 21:06

Please don't think you will be the one to change him.
Move on ...

StiltonForDays · 14/12/2017 21:07

Swerve him!

letsdolunch321 · 14/12/2017 21:09

Give him a wide birth !

Original poster
alldownhillfromhere · 14/12/2017 21:09

Red flags as in not relationship material my brilliant disguise? In every other way we get on like a house on fire. If I could just please him it would all be perfect.

OP posts:
MyBrilliantDisguise · 14/12/2017 21:11

What about him pleasing you?!

Ruffian · 14/12/2017 21:11

It's not so much that all the one night stands make him want something more dynamic as that he constantly has one night stands because he doesn't connect with women. There might be some significant reasons but he's unlikely to change at his age.

I wouldn't continue with it if I was you, it's going to cause you a lot of misery. You're a loving person and you deserve better.

Smeaton · 14/12/2017 21:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
alldownhillfromhere · 14/12/2017 21:12

I feel like it must be my technique that's lacking because I have far less experience than he does. I feel like he's waiting for me to do something more, something that proves I'm capable. I'm not sure what though.

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 14/12/2017 21:13

The only way you'll please him is to quit with the 'loving' behaviour, accept you're not having a relationship, just sex, and realise you'll never change him. If you're OK with that, bash on.

Original poster
alldownhillfromhere · 14/12/2017 21:15

ruffian and smeaton what generous comments, thank you so much. I haven't yet experienced a partner that wants to please me so it's not really something I expect, but I would at least like it to feel loving.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 14/12/2017 21:15

You are confusing quantity with quality and it sounds as if he is inexperienced

PaintingByNumbers · 14/12/2017 21:15

It is really incredibly obvious that he must be pretty bad/distant in bed to have had so many very short term relationships. Why on earth do you think it is you?

Hellywelly10 · 14/12/2017 21:15

You could try to initiate more communication during sex. Talk to him give him some instructions. Not sure what else you can do.

Runningoutofusernames · 14/12/2017 21:17

You're not the first to feel this way, and given that he's in his 50s and making you feel like this, you won't be the last. It's completely his problem and not yours - frankly many guys would find your approach much sexier (there's a reason that escorts get paid premium for 'the girlfriend experience'). The fact he's letting you or even making you feel that this is your problem is a huge warning sign, if you let him wear you down much longer you won't have the perspective to realise he's the one making you feel small. Dump him and find a great guy from the 99.9% who would love to hear that their partner is enjoying their body!

PaintingByNumbers · 14/12/2017 21:23

This is very sad but pretty much nothing you can do but leave. Dont stay. Your self esteem is already suffering. He could do with sex therapy probably, but at his age it is perhaps too late to change

Original poster
alldownhillfromhere · 14/12/2017 21:23

Okay, thank you....lots to think about. He's a lovely man and I don't want to give up on him, but I know he's not happy or satisfied either. Such a huge shame.

OP posts:
RebelRogue · 14/12/2017 21:30

@alldownhillfromhere and neither are you. You won't be in the future either,and in my experience you will break up,having wasted time on him and putting up with bad sex.
The fact that he puts all his failings onto you and has no concern about your pleasure are massive red flags.

As is your reaction to him and your need to please him and improve yourself. I do believe you need some work...on your self esteem and self worth and what a healthy relationship means.

PaintingByNumbers · 14/12/2017 21:41

Read up about drama triangles and rescuers. You cant rescue him. He cant push all this onto you. You are not compatible in bed. Maybe you would be great friends, but the lovers part is doomed already. Just walk away. Like all those other women did. This isnt a story where you change him. Those are fairytales.

Original poster
alldownhillfromhere · 14/12/2017 21:48

Thank you, I do appreciate the advice and I promise to think it all through carefully.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 14/12/2017 21:50

He sounds shit in bed and I can't understand why you are projecting that on to yourself

Hellywelly10 · 14/12/2017 21:55

Did you meet him online?

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