DH not attracted to me anymore

[lorribaby]

So back ground is been together 18 years and have a toddler. Generally get on very well and I both do love each other. DH has always used porn and has always had a low sex drive for sex with me apart from in the beginning. Recently find myself very angry with him and jealous because I hate the fact we rarely ever have sex ( four times since dd was born) I feel tortured as the lack of intimacy has become so important. Had an absolute meltdown and demanded to know why he never wants sex and he confessed that he wanted me to lose weight and didn't find me attractive anymore. Also said my lack of confidence was very unattractive.

I had always suspected this and do know I need to lose weight. I have PCOS and also awaiting an op for endometriosis and am in a lot pain so exercise is limited just now.

I just feel devastated and he is saying that we can work at it and try to lose weight together etc but I am heartbroken and humiliated. I don't think you can fix it when someone loses the attraction? Has anyone had any experience of this? Can he become attracted to you again or should I just move on?

Only you can decide whether to move on or not. Me personally though, I believe that if you truly love someone you love the whole person, not just the body. Let's say you do lose weight for him, that's just putting a sticking plaster on a gaping wound. Even if you get your sex life and intimacy back, how long before you put a bit of weight on again or your body starts showing noticable signs of aging? My vote would be for setting yourself free to find someone who will love you and fancy you for yourself.

Thanks for the reply that how I feel. I'm more than the size of my waist!!

I said that to him last night how long will it be before something else makes me unattractive to him.....

The porn use is at fault. He has an unrealistic image in his head, and you can never meet it.

I don't think my dp uses porn much but he has also lost his attraction for me. He is very loving and affectionate, I get plenty of hugs but nothing remotely sexual any more.

My friend reports the same in her marriage. I have guys in the office who would ravish me at the drop of a hat and tell me I was the hottest thing on the planet but tempting as it is, that road leads to heartbreak and family destruction.

So I just think about it in my head.

I don’t agree with other here , I think it’s perfectly normal for your husband to not be attracted to you if you have out on weight, I also think if you lose the weight you will get the spark back

I’m speaking from experience here but the other way round my husband became very thin for various reasons and as much as I felt bad about it I just didn’t find him attractive anymore and wasn’t interested in sex doesn’t mean I didn’t love him though I did very much
He then off his back decided to go to gym , build muscle and weight

Fast forward to no he is 3 stone heavier and very muscled and I can’t keep my hands off him.

Lose the weight it will benefit your own health your own confidence and make your husband happy too

It’s a win win situation

Don’t check out of your marriage, sort your diet out and I’m sure you will be having lots of Sex again with your husband

I also think that he;s not being unreasonable. Sorry. Confidence is a big part of it tho. Again I've experienced this from the other side. Also there's a great TED talk by a woman who specialises in desire in long term relationships - worth looking it up. It's about doing your own thing and letting your partner see you through others' eyes.

Agree about the porn tho. It's noxious

Do you have a link to the ted talk?

Op, I feel for you. My personal feeling is, keeping fit and looking after yourself is a good thing in general (when not obsessive) but you do it for you, not anyone else. Equally, desire is a personal thing and cant be forced, but neither is it a reflection on the other person. His low sex drive for you seems longstanding though, so I would wonder why he is trying to.push the blame onto you?

From my experience, if you love someone you will find them and least a little bit attractive no matter how they look. But it may be different for other people. Ultimately I think that if you are that shallow you are not worth bothering with.

Hang on, will find the TED talk, the woman concerned is an expert in this field

It's Esther Perel

www.ted.com/talks/esther_perel_the_secret_to_desire_in_a_long_term_relationship

Personally I think that sexual attraction is physical by nature. That doesn't mean that the person needs to be some adonis - there are lots of different qualities that are attractive, and I've fancied people of all shapes and sizes. But the physical attraction has to be there. Sorry if that makes me shallow!!!

Morris zapp
I'm the same get lots of hugs and in public he seems quite affectionate but nothing else. It's torture as I find him very attractive.

I do think he is correct about my weight. Even just for myself and dd is would be better to be slimmer and I have stopped all the snacking at night and will make better choices during the day. Mostly a night time eater though so that is getting cut!

I have told him I will try but he must do the same and stop the porn use as it is affecting his sex drive.

Still really stings and if I lose weight and he still doesn't change then that's it I'm out. Thanks for all the advice it appreciated as I couldn't actually tell anyone in RL as it is just too embarrassing.

Thanks northernruth will check that out.

OP seriously by all means lose weight but do you think it's your confidence that's the issue? It's tough getting back to yourself after having little ones, and I don't just mean physically - kids are exhausting and it's easy to forget who you used to be. The TED talk addresses this in some way, so you will hopefully get something out of it. She's also written a book, Mating in Captivity, which you could maybe both read?

I'm no poster girl for sex in long term relationships - hence my knowledge of Esther Perel!

Yes I have terribly low confidence and I think this has led to the weight gain so your right I should address this first. The PCOS symptoms started in my early twenties and I found the worse they got the lower my confidence got.

I need to focus on myself and start being a bit selfish. I also think I might have had PND but struggled on.

Going to start taking time for myself!

I think the confidence will increase with the weight loss.

Physical attraction is natural like NorthernMum said. I think it’ll all become a self fulfilling prophecy.

Good luck

I don’t agree with others here , I think it’s perfectly normal for your husband to not be attracted to you if you have put on weight

^Completely agree with this

Nope, nope, nope. He is trying to shift the problem on to you when in reality he's a porn addict who can no longer get sufficient enjoyment out of sex with a real person. Check out the your brain on porn website.

I've been with a man like this. Thought it was down to me not being good enough, not thin enough, not. Lost lots of weight, spent time and money making myself look as good as possible - didn't make a difference obviously.

I'm now married to someone that's loved me through weight gain of three stone, weight loss of six stone (both for medical reasons) and my ruined body after a twin pregnancy and he still thinks I'm hot (I'm really not).

Seriously. Porn.

Lack of intamacy is not just sex. Is he loving toward you?

Weight gain can cause a lack of self confidence that pervades every inch of your life. If you know the weight is the problem, then working to lose it may help to get yourself back on track. It doesn’t matter whether he fancies you or not.

He doesn't sound very kind. And it sounds like a lot of your lack of confidence is because he doesn't make you feel good about yourself.
From my own perspective, I do try and stay slim and healthy, and have made big efforts to lose my baby weight after each pregnancy (slowly and over several months, smaller portions, exercise) partly because I don't know if my husband would find me attractive if I was overweight. I do it mostly for myself because I feel better, but I wouldn't find him attractive if he put on lots of weight and didn't make an effort I don't think. I'd still love him and be kind to him, but I do personally think that in a long term relationship it's still just as crucial to make an effort as it was at the start.
Having said that, with health issues, and you being post pregnancy with a small child he should make an effort to make you feel good and not put pressure on you. It sounds like a lot of your lack of confidence comes from him being a selfish eejit and not making you feel good about yourself.
But since he is those things, try and get your confidence back yourself by getting slimmer and when you're able to getting more active. Please try and tell yourself you're amazing and don't rely on him for approval. Good luck!

Thanks I have started cleaning up my diet and your all right I must do it for me not him.

He is very loving and supportive and flirty (especially in public) but just nothing after that. Kisses on the cheek and lots of cuddles but that's it.

I think I did at one point just give up as when we did have sex it was very one sided and he seemed more experienced in what it should be like but now I think it is very much a case of far too much porn and not enough real life experience on his side.

He is a great father and we could be great if this problem would be fixed but I suspect that when I lose the weight it will continue.

Hopefully when my hormones are sorted this will also aid my weight loss but I just need to concentrate on being kinder to myself and not using food as a support.

Thanks for the reply's much appreciated.

There's no much that dents the way you feel about yourself more than your husband telling you he doesn't fancy you because you are fat and not confident enough, and then shufflling off to wank over porn.
I think if you lose approximately 12 stone you will find your confidence magically comes back.

Sexual attractiveness isn't a conscious decision, and a long term partner - either male or female - gaining a load of weight can, and often does, have a detrimental effect on it.

I'd be more hopeful that getting back into shape will result in a return of his sexual desire for you.

Although it’s entirely reasonable for him to not find you attractive after you’ve put on a certain amount of weight (can’t help how you feel and all that) it would totally put me off him knowing he wasn’t attracted to me anymore. Really feel for you OP especially since I have PCOS myself and it’s a daily struggle. Look inside yourself and decide what to do with this now? I’d be put off and down Ann Summers buying a new vibby, but that’s just me