DW view on sex

[OhNoNinkyNonk]

After other people's view points please

Been with DW for 6 years, married for nearly 4. We have 13mo DS

After finding out DW was pregnant we didn't have sex, she had some minor complications that gave her some pain and discomfort. I distanced myself from the subject and just got on with things, I have never been the type to beg or ask.

Since DS was born we have had sex 4 times. So in two years that's it. In the last couple of months I have been finding it increasingly difficult. I attempted to talk this through with DW this morning, in her words:

I just don't think about it
I'm not that bothered about it
I enjoy it when we do have sex
I just don't have the same drive as you, I can happily go a couple weeks without (at this I pointed out it has been 2 months which I think is a bit different!)

This is all compounded by some restrictions on DW part. Has to be in our bed, under covers, in the dark, always same position. She doesn't like giving or receiving oral, or me touching her with my hands 'down there'

We both work, most of weekend is busy so this possibly leaves one chance while DS is napping. Weeknights are no good as his room is right next to ours... So basically we never get a chance...

I struggle to get my head around enjoying sex but rarely wanting it. I get she may be a bit more body conscious, I regularly compliment her, tell her how beautiful she is. Usually the reply is an eye roll...each time I try to discuss this it devolves into an argument, I get this is hard after having kids I don't expect to have sex several times a week but the gaps between are 2/3/4 months it leaves me feeling so down and upset. It's the 'I don't care, so it doesn't matter what you want' bit that really hurts

I am considering counselling, any advice?

I have been wondering if we should continue to work on day-to-day affection, and also hands/oral at some point. If the pressure of actual sex isn't such an issue perhaps that would help...without forcing her to do things she doesn't want to of course.

This could definitely still be related to the pregnancy. I have terrible issues with my hormone levels dictating my sex drive - and when it's gone, it's not just that I'm "not in the mood". I physically can't stand it, have no sexual feelings whatsoever for anyone or anything, etc. It took a good six months of regular cycles after I stopped pumping for my sex drive to return and even now (almost 15 months pp) it's still on and off. She's clearly exhausted, overwhelmed, dealing with dramatic changes to her body. You say her birth wasn't traumatic - even the most textbook births can cause trauma. I've suffered terribly with trauma and anxiety since my twins were born and my husband was shocked when I said this, a year after they were born. Her dislike of you touching her - is that new? Did she have any injuries in that area during the birth?

I think you need to talk more and give her some space to feel "back to normal".

I would say yes do focus on day to day affection and (bluntly) forget about anything sexual at all until that's up at a good level - ie you are having regular non sexual, just affectionate, cuddles and kisses.

Partly feeling guilty about all of this now, but partly relieved on all the responses (and maybe putting me in my place a little)

I think the reason I have struggled is that we have never talked about this, as selfish as it may be it's hard adjusting to the change of dynamic at home...especially as time goes on

I'm going to give her space, focus on us getting close again and go with the flow.

Thanks everyone