Why do men go off sex?

[BillBrysonsBeard]

We're always hearing about how in marriages and LTR it's men who pester for sex and the women who go off it, and the reasons are heavily explored. I hate this stereotype because it works both ways... it's very often the other way around! I hear about it on here a lot and in real life. There is no sex at all and it's the woman who craves it. This doesn't seem to be as explored as the other way around because it's assumed all men want sex all the time.. when this proves this isn't the case. Stereotypes annoy me

If you're in a sexless marriage/relationship like this, what reason does your man give for never wanting sex? It seems more taboo somehow but it shouldn't be..

Why are people taking about using sex workers as if that's a normal thing? It isn't. And people who do this see women as objects. Whether they've gone off sex with their partner or not.

The use of sex workers is a normal thing - for some - and has been since the dawn of time. It's not called the oldest profession for nothing.

So what? That doesn't make it acceptable for men to buy women's bodies.

The use of sex workers is a normal thing - for some - and has been since the dawn of time
Maybe, but those who use sex workers while in a relationship are sad, dishonest losers.

lottieandmia22

I believe the person who mentioned sex workers was me. My point was that a man who is in a relationship with a woman who, to put it bluntly, is very dull and uninvolved in bed, will find other pursuits instead: non-sexual (e.g. gardening) or sexual (e.g. porn and / or sex workers).

Leaving aside the morality of this, using sex workers has been a normal activity at various times and in various places. Even now, I think an absolute majority of men living in SE Asia have had paid sex at least once. In Western countries, sex work has been through a period of being very illicit to the point of being illegal in many places, and in more recent years has been re-emerging. And of course, the people who use sex workers are almost entirely men, which should tell us something about the respective characteristics of male and female sex drives. This is a separate point to the morality of using sex workers, and there is plenty of discussion of that elsewhere.

Historicallyinaccurate

I agree with what you say about porn. If a partner (again, usually the man) has a hidden 'habit', that will obviously cause trust issues. However, the problem with any thread on Mumsnet (or indeed any internet forum) is that it's generally not clear how it came about (in any event we only have one side of the story, and people tend to be inherently biased). A secret porn habit in my view is likely to emerge where the sex isn't good and where the couple cannot resolve their issues, one example being where the woman isn't all that much into sex.

Decent men don't use sex workers. The ones that do think it is ok to pay for women's bodies. And that is the fact of the matter.

No lottie, it's your opinion.

bloke your point about men cheating because their dp is uninterested or dull in bed merely underlines the differences in male/female thinking in general. It's v rare that someone doesn't have experience of their dp and sex before getting married now, so that's no excuse for cheating. Actually, there is no excuse for cheating. You don't like the situation, you discuss and change it. If it can't be changed for physical/mental reasons, either put up with it because you love your dp, or leave. There's really no excuse for being a cheating bastard.
As for the secret porn habit
A secret porn habit in my view is likely to emerge where the sex isn't good and where the couple cannot resolve their issues, one example being where the woman isn't all that much into sex.
It's still no excuse for not being honest! A bit of honesty may, in your example, spur greater interest or effort to be compatible from the dp. If not, at least they are aware of what's actually going on with their dp. Deliberately lying to and misleading your dp is disgusting, I'm pretty sure leads to other lies and issues of disrespect and trust.

... as it's obvious the liar doesn't respect or value their dp. (posted too soon. )

So Jason, you clearly use sex workers yourself which is why you are trying to justify men who see women's bodies as a commodity.

Lottie, that's quite a jump you've made there!

Guys I'm jumping in here to get your opinion... (girls included in "guys")
My husband has been slowly going off sex for the last two years. I met him four years ago and at the beginning the sex was amazing and often a few times a night.
Like I said it dwindled, petering out to now once a month if Im lucky. He lost his mum two years ago which really affected him and he also has a really stressful job. I've not changed appearance wise and always make an effort (although I hate saying that, like women need to keep them self in shape and groomed to merit sex... I'm just ruling the notion I may have 'let myself go'. Not to say he still may have gone off me sexually though) and I'm also adventurous with a healthy sex drive.
He blames tiredness and the stress of his job and says he has no idea why he has no sex drive now. He says he feels embarrassed talking about it and it leaves him feeling bad. I know he's not cheating because he's pretty much always at work or home and anyway I trust him implicitly. It's just really sad as I'm now pregnant (after a very mechanical time conceiving) and I just feel pretty bad about it all. I still fancy the pants off him and when I tell him that he says of course he feels the same and pulls me close but there's just no attempt at sex.
I've been turned down so many times I've stopped counting and his latest excuse is the pregnancy (we've had sex one in the 25 weeks). I've tried underwear, surprising him, sending naughty texts... he's never in the mood.
I also find myself thinking about the fact he told me (in the early days) that he'd gone off his ex at the end of their relationship and just didn't fancy her anymore and she used to complain. And he'd say she was nowhere near as hot as me etc. That plays on my mind and I even brought it up with him but he just said "don't be silly".
I'm not asking you to advise why he's lost interest because even I can't work that one out, but what's the best approach to take here? Is counselling worth a bash? Has anyone been in a similar situation? If I think about it too much I feel a bit freaked out because intimacy is really important to me and I feel so rejected. He tells me he still loves me and I believe him on all levels apart from intimacy. TIA for any advice!

Historicallyinaccurate

I'm not addressing the question of whether it's OK to cheat. I'm happy to state that I think it's not. However, I think we can agree that as it's bad, it's worth understanding all its causes. If this was a discussion on how to reduce smoking, I expect that simply ending the discussion with "it's wrong to smoke" would be considered inadequate by most people.

The question I'm addressing is the question posed by the OP: why men go off sex. My reply is that medical reasons aside, they don't: while individual cases may vary, it's truer to say that over time they may go off sex with an individual person if that person is not particularly interested in sex. You say that all I'm doing is merely underlining the difference between male/female thinking on sex. Actually I'm pointing out the biological differences, and there's absolutely nothing mere about that: in fact it's critically important.

I mentioned Steven Pinker earlier. He mentions a couple of experiments. One involved an ego depletion task (as I understand it, an ego depletion task involves doing something dull, which tends to reduce a person's self control). It basically measured a person's likelihood to stray. Before the task, men and women were equal. After the task, men were much more likely to stray (another experiment cited by him showed that people in long-term relationships were less likely to get it on after ego depletion than those in new relationships but none of us should be surprised by that). There is plenty of reason to believe (for evolutionary reasons) that men are naturally less monogamous than women. In the West, the traditional solution has been to restrict it to committed relationships, with a certain amount of informal polygamy. In other cultures, the solution (at least for powerful men) has been open polygamy (by contrast, compare how uncommon polyandry is).

The rather depressing conclusion is that for men, monogamy becomes naturally boring after a while and results in a greater temptation to stray than women, unless the couple make a specific effort to mix things up and keep it interesting.

Here is another interesting article, this time from the Guardian. Heterosexual men were most likely to orgasm during sex: heterosexual women the least. No doubt the instinctive conclusion a Guardian reader might draw is that it proves once again that men are such selfish, nasty creatures, probably made from slugs and snails and puppy dog's tails etc. Actually, to me it suggests that heterosexual women (or at least those who identify as such) are just less into it.

Of course there is an alternative to straying, and that is simply topu t up with it. At the extreme end, it involves the complete suppression of one's sexual appetite, and the history of monastic communities round the world show that this can be possible, although they also show that natural desires can't be entirely quenched.

Youzanne

I appreciate that for you the above might seem rather depressing. However, from what you say it sounds like you are anything but boring sexually and your husband is probably telling the truth when he says his libido has been reduced by fatigue and stress: they are probably the two most important causes. I can speak from my own experience that it is a real killer. Please don't be discouraged. The other big killer is embarassment. I'm sure your DH would like sex more often and should realise that getting embarassment out of the way will enable this. I think counselling (perhaps a sex therapist?) is a good idea and well worth the money. Good luck.

it's truer to say that over time they may go off sex with an individual person if that person is not particularly interested in sex

That, an the rest of your post seem to be saying that men are more likely to stray when they get bored, and they get bored in a monogamous relationship because they're having sex with the same person. So that's not the case that the other person is necessarily no longer interested in sex, is it?
It's not the responsibility if the other partner to constantly reinvent themselves in a ltr to avoid the man getting bored and straying. in fact, I doubt it is possible. It's the man's responsibility to do something about feeling bored, without being a cheating bastard. There's no excuse for it. I don't go around lowering my moral and empathetic standards just because I'm bored!

What? Wasn't referring to you if that was addressed to me toad.

historicallyinaccurate

Well, my view is that can be explained by the woman agreeing to sex to please her husband, rather than because she wants it particularly. That's where the famous "lie back and think of England" stereotype comes from, isnt' it?

As for your paragraph, the only question I'm addressing is "why men go off sex". I'm not addressing the question of "and whether it is OK for them to stray" or "and is it the responsibility of the woman to keep him faithful". There is a long, long history of moral strictures designed to keep men faithful precisely because men's sexuality has been regarded as somewhat difficult and uncontrollable (and there's plenty of evidence for that too). I'm not suggesting that anyone needs to reduce their moral standardsl.

My husband states (we're
In our 40s) that
Men's biologically don't feel the need as much as they have already spread there seeds and produced life, whilst
We women in our 40s seem to have a burst of energy and want sex more frequent than men as
Our reproductive system
Is closing down

My husband is presently
Happy with once a week where
I am not ! In saying that when we do go away he's more than willing but in day to day life once or maybe twice a week

Personally stress, tiredness. Having teenagers in the house all adds to
The lack of sex I think and whilst
We are still pretty amazing when it does happen I do
Miss the every
Other night or every night closeness
We once had.

Another male perspective if that is useful, perhaps one that goes against the grain.

I'm in the opposite position. I'm 37 and have been married almost 8 years with two children. Since the birth of our second child 3 years ago, my wife has shown very little enthusiasm for sex. In terms of regularity it is about once a month, but beyond that it is almost always the same position, with minimum foreplay. It is always stacked towards my wife’s pleasure, with very little consideration about my wants or needs.

My reaction to this has swayed between trying to initiate regularly, and then withdrawing and allowing my wife to initiate on her own volition. Neither course of action has moved the needle in the slightest. My wife is not great at talking about sex, and I think that she feels pressure if she has to open up, so I have not pushed to discuss more. But ultimately this lack of a proper physical relationship, and the all-important emotional connection that comes from that, has led to me becoming depressed. I clearly need that connection a lot more than she does, and it is now becoming apparent that we are increasingly incompatible. Both sides have to want things to change, and need to put the effort in to make things better. If one half isn’t bothered then it’s not going to work.

While I certainly don’t condone those who stray (and it wouldn’t really do me any good given that I’m not just after more sex), I can understand how people can feel lonely and unwanted in relationships, and they seek out people who will give them those feelings, even if only temporarily.

I think it’s important to remember that while this is painted as a predominantly male issue in terms of losing interest, there are a lot of cases where it is the other way around. It’s a horrible place to be, and I hope those of you in that position find some kind of resolution.

It amazes me from reading on this forum how people go off sex (and tends to me more us women), but then are surprised that eventually their marriage breaks down as the partner cannot deal with it indefinitely. Whilst no excuse to cheat it just seems to be eventually an inevitable outcome unless both parties are of the same view and feeling, which seems extremely rare.

Whilst temporary blips happen, especially after giving birth focussing on nurturing a relationship and the accompanying intimacy is just a must or accept the inevitable

JamesTiberiusKirk

You absolutely have my sympathies. And I think your situation is a lot more normal than the current wisdom would like to admit. The difficulty you have is what you do about it, as eventually you will have to make a choice. You could end the relationship. You could cheat. Or you could use porn (perhaps you've already resorted to that). Or could find ways of sublimating it in some kind of hobby. None of these options are great, and some of them would attract great moral censure, particularly from women.

The alternative is that your wife belatedly accepts that wanting a frank discussion about sex is not "pressure". I do not think that wanting to discuss some other part of marriage would in itself be "pressure", yet sex seems to have some sort of special status in this respect.

The trend over the last 20 years has been to suggest that women were always just as interested in sex as men, it is simply that men's behaviour put them off. Which, when you think about it, is a very odd kind of reasoning indeed. You could not say that men have not generally been put off sex by women. You mention that sex is always stacked towards your wife's pleasure. Now, the received wisdom is that men are ignorant about how to please a woman, and it's only been in recent times that they've improved, as if it is somehow men's fault. But, traditionally, there has been a lot of male bravado about the importance of pleasing women sexually. A lot of it may have been misplaced, but it does indicate that it's something that has been regarded as important, and more importantly that men expect (and are expected by women) to take the lead. This again reflects that actually women in general just aren't into it as much. I think another example of this is the #metoo movement, which shows that a lot of men massively, horribly overstepped the mark due to an eagerness that was not shared by the victims.

randommmmmmmmmmm

I understand the science says that a man's sex drive peaks in his late teens, whereas a woman's peaks in her late 30s. I've noticed that in myself: DW and I married in our mid-20s and my sex drive was hugely higher than hers. Now we're in our 40s its closer to even, I find a bonus (although I do miss being younger and more sexed-up it could be very frustrating).

Personally i do feel sex is a addictive and the more you get
The more you want it.
So for once a month in between you would not be thinking About
Sex.
It's more about
Closeness and feeling loved myself personally and that emotional connection and whilst when you get
Older being friends does
Become important I still need
To feel attractive and wanted.

I've been in a relationship with a man for a year and 4 months, and prior to that I exclusively dated women (I thought I was a lesbian, but then I fell for this man and realised I was bisexual). Very quickly, and not knowing much about men other than basic assumptions, I worried about the day that my partner goes off me, sexually. Desperately wanting to avoid it, I did a bunch of research into it in a bid to understand it, and the majority of research pointed to basic biology. Unfortunately, this isn't really good news for women (certainly wasn't for me)...

From a biological/evolutionary standpoint, men have the inbuilt urge/desire to 'plant their seed' as far and wide as possible, so they're wired to be visually attracted to lots of different women (not just one). This means that when in a monogamous relationship, their sexual interest in the woman they're with starts to decline over time as they're wired to seek pleasure from multiple sources - not just one. That's why, when you first get with a guy, it'll seem like he has an erection whenever he's around you. Before you know it, however, you could have your bum pushed right up against his crotch in bed and he can be completely floppy. Put a NEW attractive woman in bed with him, and I bet that thing shoots right back up!

Simple biology. Men are sexually excited by variety, and lose sexual interest over time in the same one thing. The same would be the case if a man was made to watch the same porn video over and over. That's why porn is so popular with men - the variety element!

I write this with my face screwed up, as it's really not something I like to think about, being a woman. Perhaps there's a way around it if you implement kinks into your sex life to keep things exciting/feeling 'new'? Or perhaps there are some men who are a bit deviant when it comes to this, and operate differently? Who knows...

In an ideal world, I'd find a guy who has a fetish for longevity and deep connection, and having sex with the same woman over and over! 😂 There's a certain kink to that, no?.. The idea would be that the more you have sex with the same woman (your spouse), the deeper you're planting your side inside her and the deeper connected to her you're becoming. I can totally see how that could be a fetish. A fetish for fully exploring somebody, sexually, over the years... as if the more times you have sex with her, the more 'yours' she's becoming - the more she belongs to you. I need to find a man with this exact fetish!!! 😂

I'm following with interest. ExH refused sex from about 3 years into our marriage. Two small kids and I'd let myself go..... ironic really as he was being an utter hypocrite (pretty fat, lazy in and out of bed....)

Then two years into the drought, he changer his reasoning for rejecting me. It was now because he resented me (wtf, I worked, he worked, he had a long leash)

So, that killed it stone dead. I was distraught. Still am tbh because I wasted 14 years with him, and have taken a couple to recover.

Now I'm middle aged and a bad bet for any bloke tbh.

So was ex issue psychological or was he just a wanker..

I wouldn't dispair. I don't think these things are inevitable at all. I do think that if a relationship is good and the couple make an effort to keep sex going, then it will keep going, not just as a biological urge but an act of love and affection as it should be; and that along with a sufficient amount of self-control will stop affairs etc. In fact, these days, this should be easier to accomplish than ever. It is true that porn has become a scourge. However, it does reflect a greater openness and knowledge about sex and I would hazard a guess that people do it better as a result and enrich their relationships by doing so. We certainly expect more from relationships now than we used to, and part of this is that unfaithfulness by men is less tolerated than it used to be.

Although I think we have some way to go. A while back I was sitting with a group of people, and they were discussing how sex carries on in a relationship or whether it just peters out. I was reading a book. Eventually they deigned to ask me for my view. I just said "well, you try different things and if you like them you do them again; and if you don't, you try something else!". They (all about 10 years younger than me) looked at me with utter disgust as they reached for the brain bleach!

None of that refutes the fact that I would happily shag just about all the women I know if it weren't for two things: 1. they haven't invited me and 2. I don't want to upset DW. Of course I do not mention this but I think it's quite normal for men to feel that way.

Sosog00d

I'm sorry for what happened to you. It sounds like it could have been both.