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Why do men go off sex?

52 replies

BillBrysonsBeard · 30/07/2017 09:43

We're always hearing about how in marriages and LTR it's men who pester for sex and the women who go off it, and the reasons are heavily explored. I hate this stereotype because it works both ways... it's very often the other way around! I hear about it on here a lot and in real life. There is no sex at all and it's the woman who craves it. This doesn't seem to be as explored as the other way around because it's assumed all men want sex all the time.. when this proves this isn't the case. Stereotypes annoy me Wink

If you're in a sexless marriage/relationship like this, what reason does your man give for never wanting sex? It seems more taboo somehow but it shouldn't be..

OP posts:
Timeforabiscuit · 30/07/2017 09:46

Testosterone levels can drop massively when you hit middle age, given that its the essence of masculinity, poorly understood by medical professionals and impacts virility its not suprising its a taboo subject.

One of the ways patriarchy can work against men too Sad

TheNaze73 · 30/07/2017 12:57

I think men can get bored with initiating sex & it being samey.

Variety really is the spice of life. I think some are too embarrassed to talk sexually about wants & desires.

Dappledsunlight · 30/07/2017 14:22

Journo?

callmehannahbaker · 30/07/2017 15:06

My ex went off it after about 4 years together-that was because I'd gained weight.

wherearemymarbles · 31/07/2017 08:59

All sorts. Medical reasons, ie depression, or stress at work or in life in general. Age.
They might not fancy their partner as much. Its Often mentioned men are crap in bed. I am sure a great many are but so are some women and over time i guess sex becomes very boring. It can get tedious always initiating sex as well.

Whole host of reasons really.

Whole host of reasons really!

EverythingsRosiePosy · 31/07/2017 09:09

I was with my ex for 8 years, 2 children later and there came a point that I would try to initiate and he would roll over, his excuse was always he was tired/stressed with work but it ended up so rare and rarely would he initiate. Eventually I got bored of trying and we went months without, I sat him down one day and said I was fed up with my hormones being a mess (from the pill) when we weren't even having sex and he said he did want to just tired blah blah.

I left him just before christmas (amongst other reasons) because I just felt so neglected and it was affecting my self confidence being rejected, we are both only in mid 20s and I couldn't see the future without a loving intimate relationship, I was more the cook, cleaner and nanny.

HerOtherHalf · 31/07/2017 10:35

A host of possible reasons:

Hormonal issues - low testosterone, high estrogen etc;
Performance anxiety, especially if they've had issues with ED previously;
Stress;
Gone off their partner - could be physical but could also be emotional, men have feelings too;
Low energy levels, tired;
Asexual or homosexual and have lost the motivation to keep faking interest;
Getting it elsewhere;
The fun has gone out of it and it's now more a chore than a pleasure.

HungerOfThePine · 31/07/2017 11:09

Suppose the same things apply to men's drive as it does to woman's but maybe sometimes in different contexts as we'd don't live universal lives.

My drive dropped in two rl one he was abusive so not exactly attractive and 2nd didn't desire me so I switched off.

Now I switch off men before rl stage if I don't feel it, I understand long term relationships can get samey and less frequent but I think that's normal and there must be some difference where the love and connection is there to maintain it even if the frequency of sex has dropped as opposed to no sex,affection or connection.

CV893 · 06/08/2017 18:48

Some will be getting it elsewhere too!

cupidmatch · 08/08/2017 11:40

Partner having rejecting him often enough or made it look like a chore that he doesn't bother initiating anymore.

haveacupoftea · 08/08/2017 22:57

They're lazy and find it easier to wank.

Rollonweekend · 18/02/2018 00:24

Too much porn which is easier...

RaspberryCheese · 20/02/2018 18:39

I'm male so can speak with some authority :)

The theory of men getting older and fading testosterone may well have some relevance but i bet you if you threw such a man a fresh piece of meat,well he'd soon perk up ! Trust me,a man isnt done until they screw the lid down.

Men sometimes need to be jump started. Something new,risque,etc,,not just roll over,think of England and check the ceiling for cobwebs.

Maybe sometimes men stray,they get it elsewhere,maybe visit an escort. They are overcome by the betrayal,the rot sets in ?

I remember being with a group of guys and one joked that women only give you BJs until you marry them.

I guess it cuts both ways. Maybe monogamy IS the real problem for both parties?

AkimboLimbo · 20/02/2018 20:40

i bet you if you threw such a man a fresh piece of meat,well he'd soon perk up
You may be male, but I could never describe you as a man, that's not the word I would use.

RaspberryCheese · 20/02/2018 21:03

I'm cut to the quick...haha

Bourgainvillia · 20/02/2018 21:23

Brewers droop is a terrible thing to behold for a lady!

JohnThom · 21/02/2018 05:18

@raspberrycheese
Dont know if the 'fresh piece of meat' is strictly true.
I've had various different partners over the past ten years or so and each time I met someone new the act itself became less and less pleasurable.
I sincerely wish it was not true because there is no alternative. I definitely have no desire to try a bit of sword fencing with another male but for some men, the whole process can become a bit mechanical and when that happens all the smells and other stuff associated with it can become a bit off putting.
Last one was someone I fancied the pants off but after a night of 'passion' I couldn't tolerate even thinking about the event. I actually felt a bit revolted by the whole episode.
I don't think it's that uncommon. Well I hope it isn't :/

RaspberryCheese · 21/02/2018 11:46

JohnThom

Interesting comments and i can see what you mean. After a while you could think,why am i giving in to such basic urges? Be free life your life without being shackled to this kind of thing.

The piece of meat thing of course was not literal and not meant to cause offence .

Its just how it often is and it works just the same for women. The straying men are not all shagging eachother. hey are shagging other women who are often partnered/married.

Men are easily tempted. I know married men who have had affairs/ONS . I know women who have done the same c'est la vie.

AkimboLimbo · 21/02/2018 20:35

The piece of meat thing of course was not literal and not meant to cause offence
Of course it wasn't literal, but it is most definitely offensive.

Good long-term sex takes effort - not difficult effort, just time and a commitment to keep sex good.
If sex is the same every time then both people are going to get bored.
If people don't care about giving as well as receiving pleasure then resentment will set in.
If they don't make time for each other and for intimacy then sex will become dull.

25 years with the same person and we still have great sex. Not quite as often as we did when we first met, but the quality is better and it definitely works for both of us. I am as certain as it is possible to be that we have both remained completely faithful throughout.

Blokenamechangesexboard · 22/02/2018 18:04

Going back to the OP, while it may be a stereotype that it's men who want sex and women who go off it, there is a lot of truth behind the stereotypes as borne out by statistics.

However, I think there is a further, more important and unexamined stereotype: that men will take the lead when it comes to sex. This unexamined stereotype holds that the man will chase the woman, he will initiate, he will dictate the play. This may not be a strong as it used to be, but it is a very strong tradition, and is reflected in all manner of traditional etiquette: e.g. the man holds the door, and leads in the dance. Very sadly, in the past it has also been used as a justification for sexual assault: something overwhelmingly committed by men.

On Mumsnet I still see discussions on sex that tend to assume that all the woman has to do is turn up and look pretty. There are also statistics in Durex surveys that show submission is a female fantasy but it isn't for men, suggesting once again that men take the lead. I recently read a book by Stephen Pinker that suggests the male brain is programmed to seek out sex, and that there is something predatorial about it that men need to control (and various moral strictures in the past have attempted with varying success to do this).

But if women do tend to be more passive in sex, it will get very dull for the man in a LTR. Medical reasons aside, people don't generally go of sex - they go off sex with particular people. A decade of sex with a woman who never initiates, never seduces and, when it happens lies there like a starfish, will be very unfulfilling. I believe this is more common than people want to accept, and if it happens, I imagine that after a few years the man will simply give up because it's just not worth the trouble and resort to one of affairs, sex workers, porn, work, computer games or gardening after a bit.

I think porn is a red herring, by the way. It is very often blamed on Mumsnet for ruining a couple's sex life. I would like to see some evidence for this. My view is that if a couple have a good sex life, porn is not going to interfere with it. How could it? Sex has many dimensions porn doesn't have. However, if a couple's sex life has petered out, porn is a very obvious alternative sexual outlet for a man, and is therefore a symptom of a bad sex life rather than a cause.

It would be great to see some more research into male sexuality, and hopefully this is going to happen some time soon. Female sexuality has been the subject of a great deal of research in recent years, as borne out by the cornucopia of scientific research papers and sex toys. Men's by contrast, has been somewhat neglected, probably because men aren't so interested in male medical issues as women are in theirs.

AkimboLimbo · 22/02/2018 21:13

Completely agree with you about porn bloke
Using it as the go to excuse for all problems will disguise the underlying issues.
Interesting post.

Jason118 · 23/02/2018 13:35

Nice post Bloke. I think there are two distinct answers depending on how you understand the question. Men who go off sex completely are more likely to have a medical (and I include psychological) problem, than those that just go off sex with a particular partner. I also agree that the need to 'chase' is inherent in men (to a degree) and this is likely due to the need to breed over millennia; this could be a reason why men go off and look elsewhere, even when they know they shouldn't (and no, I'm not excusing such behaviour). Food for thought though.

EthelredOnAGoodDay · 01/03/2018 13:18

I think in a long term relationship you have to work at sex, in the same way as you would put effort into other elements. Agree very much with others upthread who've said that if it becomes one sided, or too predictable then one or both parties will start to lose interest.

Historicallyinaccurate · 06/03/2018 03:03

I think porn is a red herring, by the way. It is very often blamed on Mumsnet for ruining a couple's sex life. I would like to see some evidence for this. My view is that if a couple have a good sex life, porn is not going to interfere with it. How could it? Sex has many dimensions porn doesn't have.

The many threads I've read on here about porn being damaging to relationships tend to concentrate on situations where the porn is one sided and usually hidden and/or the source of dishonesty in a relationship. The lack of trust caused by this is the really damaging factor, and of course this was caused by porn watching, so porn gets the blame. Other instances are where porn watching is excessive and interferes with rl.
So if your porn habit is out in the open or shared, there seems to be little problem. I wouldn't say that porn watching is usually a symptom of a bad sex life. But I would say that in the majority of cases where it is hidden/excessive, it does cause problems in relationships, for the reason mentioned above.

balidreams · 07/03/2018 13:37

Porn can affect mentally though. You see someone having sex on screen, either professional and Amateur stuff and you can be left wondering why the woman in the footage is riding the man like a grand national winner whilst you are being ridden like a sick donkey on Blackpool Pleasure Beach on that once a year outing to the seaside!

Can therefore lead to loss of desire if your partner is less than adventurous. Vanilla sex bores me. For my DW it’s fine. She is happy with that and doesn’t want to take any risks.

Finding someone you are sexually compatible with should be the main priority when deciding on a life partner as it leads to so many problems when you are not matched.

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