Used my Safeword. Dom didn't stop. I'm NBU? Right?

[RoseOfSharyn]

As per the title....

I used my safe word. He continued woth what he was doing.....'Just not as hard.'

I've hit the roof, kicked him out and told him all trust is gone.

He thinks I'm overreacting.

Clearly I trusted the wrong person and I'm a cunt.

Op are you ok this morning?

Also hoping you are OK.
Up to you whether you tell your other kink pals (if you are part of your local scene). Yes it's a good idea but - and only you know what your pals are like - some of these abusers are very manipulative and experienced, and if they are 'stars' of the local scene they will get a lot of people saying, oh it must have been a mistake, poor abuser always seems to meet these drama-lama women. This is wrong and it sucks, of course, but you may not want to risk it.

user1476869312 just said what I was trying to find the right words to express. These kind of folk are the reason after nearly two decades I have all but left the scene. Take care of you; drop may be a bit harder this time as you process not only the scene but the violation - because that's what it was - hope you're ok

Jesus fucking Christ. That is so unbelievably serious.

Is he in the scene? If he is and you are near me I can get him flagged. PM'ing you.

Offering un-mumsnetty hugs and

NormaNameChange is right - drop may be harder. He broke the skin? Fucking cockwomble.

Renarde75 You can get him flagged? How so.... There's no scene directory of consent violators, there are self appointed "community leaders" who make decisions to ban people based on their personal affiliations, there is hearsay and there is bullying; what there isnt is an effective method of safeguarding victims who feel strong enough to out the person who violated them and have that person 'flagged'. Not in any local scene I know, nor on Fetlife.

Indeed I can get him flagged. Because I know lots of event organisers in the SE of England. You are correct in the respect that there is no central 'list' so it is quiet words in ears.

Flagging will warn others that he is not safe to play with. But my strong feeling is that he is serial consent violator and he wont go anywhere near any legitimate event.

But you should already know this, right?

Even so, it is worth raising it anyway. I am heavily involved with the Berkshire Sub sisters. Our very reason for being is to support female submissives and ensure they are kept safe.

On fet I am @Renarde

Damn it's Renarde

Nope still wrong! underscore Renarde underscore

May I ask why you think you're the cunt when he has hurt you? you're not a cunt. Don't call yourself that, it's a pretty adept name for him though in fairness

In the words of Princess Donna -'consent is everything'.

Safe word means he does not have consent.

You're either right, and hes a serial violator or he's a man who joined fetlife, bought some toys and now thinks he's a god OR... actually, given the way the OP said he behaved; hes known and respected in his local scene. Problem is... a quiet word in someones ear will only work if it's the right person. If he is a scene darling - as most of the more prolific abusers I know are, he will have his gang of flying monkeys primed already. It's a really sad indictment on the scene but a true one. How many K&P photographers have you heard rumours about, both true AND malicious? Which particular Fetlebrity vanished after years of doing exactly what was described? How many events no longer run because two factions set up over consent violation accusations? Also: People have short memories. I'll be quiet now as none of this is helpful to the OP and I'm sure you've seen has been discussed endlessly on Fet.

Those are very good points. I was raped though by a 'Master' who was not scene. As you can imagine, my feelings run high on this. I know quite a few ent organisers and in any case, if he is SE the BSS can add his name to our collection at least.

I am also a BDSM writer. I hopefully have a publisher for my next book, Triskelion of Submission. First book is on amazon.

Fet photographers - the rumours do swirl don't they? I can think of one very high profile one (I bet we are thinking of the same person) who repeatedly hits K&P despite having been banned from most events in the NW.

But saying that. My gut tells me that this one is a low profile one. Could be wrong - just a feeling.

To add - anyone who wants a copy of the book, either in word or kindle (mob) just pm me and I will give you a copy.

He is abusive and this is assault.

Well done on standing your ground, OP.

Word of warning - Naming on Fetlife is a violation of their Terms of Use (TOU). May get you banned or your account put on hold whist the abuser gets away scot free.

Haven't RTFT yet, but he is a complete arsewipe who has broken the sub/dom trust and you were right to kick him out.

I used to be massively involved in the BDSM community, and behaviour like that just shouldn't be tolerated.

Consent and trust, especially in a sub/dom situation, is an ongoing and IMO the most important thing.

If you can't trust them not to stop for that "thing" you can never trust them not to stop the next time, and it might be an even harder thing IYSWIM.

What a cunt.
Makes BDSM look so seedy and shitty that kind of thing, it really pisses me off!

Renarde is right, and a good person.....if you can report him to your local scene then please do so.
I hate the thought of this fucker rampaging around.

As someone said upthread the safe word is literally fucking sacred law.

You Do. Not. Ever. carry on pass the safe word, ever.

He isn't a Dom. He is an abusive fuckwitt. The word Dom is all too often mistaken for idiots on a power trip. A real Dom(me) respects his/her sub and a safe word should always be adhered to.

Yeah, Fetlife is... not great at dealing with abusers. But it's not actually within their remit to do this.FLis an enormous site with a worldwide reach, they absolutely haven't got the capacity/authority to investigate and address consent violations and they are not the people such things should be reported to (also, the 'communities' in the US/Canada/Australia are in no position to comment on the 'communities' in the UK and vice versa, plus the perennial 'on the internet no one knows you are a dog' issue).
Hope you are doing OK, OP.
And, Renarde, may I PM you? If we don't know each other, we should. (I am a fellow erotica writer, that's all).

user1476869312 Oh please do! I write non-fiction though, about keeping subs safe by illustrating the monumental fuck ups I have managed to achieve myself.

No, FL is absolutely rubbish at keeping their users safe. Sometimes I wonder if they deliberately dont act to ensure they get the likes on pics etc.

But within FL itself there are the local groups. Most do try very hard to keep the predators out. But even so, there are still some rogue ones out there.

Realistically you need two. don't want to stop but am approaching the limit and you could ease off a bit here. and a Hard stop no.

FL wouldnt care anyway, they just say that anything on there is fantasy and theyre not responsible, even when people are discussing some truly hideous (could never be consensual) things

Branleuse Naming and shaming on Fet would help anyone who had any contact with this joke of a Dom. More effective to get him blacklisted from the scene

GeorgiePeachie Traffic light system is the one that's employed - so three actually. perfectly reasonable to go from green to red in a second if you need to.

Fetlife have to take a relatively neutral position on consent violations that happened IRL. They are not the magic kink police and do not have representatives in every club; nor do they have any influence or control over private play.
If OP puts up a post saying [name] assaulted me and [name] or his mates complain to Fet that it's defamatory, Fet are likley to pull the post because a complaint has been made and because they have no evidence of what happened . John B and his mates couldn't possibly amass or hold any knowledge on the offline behaviour of the millions of users.
OP could post something of an open letter to 'You know who you are and this is what you did' but TBH not sure I would recommend it because of all the other million asshats who will pile into the comments and say things which are not helpful. Talking to scene friends may help - it may well be this shitbag has form and the word is getting out.
Again, sorry this happened to you OP. Hope you are not feeling too bad.