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Original poster

Lack of intimacy in marriage

28 replies

complexsimplicity · 23/07/2017 02:17

Married nearly ten years and for as long I can remember during the marriage there's been very little intimacy. After a while, I accepted it as being in a comfortable marriage, but quite honestly, I think I've subtly been seeking attention elsewhere - in the likes of an ex.

I've not cheated, and don't think I would, but I feel desperately lonely and resent him deeply for it. In all honestly, we're probably not very compatible despite loving each other.

We're talking intimacy a few times a year and mostly once he's stumbled home drunk.

OP posts:
IAmTheBadOne · 23/07/2017 08:57

You need to talk openly with DH. Loneliness will only lead to you looking for comfort elsewhere. Sooner or later lack of intimacy may make you question entire relationship as well.

I suspect you were close when you married? It is hard work but best way is to try to work back to that place again..

I understand how you feel, been there myself, had the hardest year ever but came out of it and building up our closeness again.

StereophonicallyChallenged · 23/07/2017 09:04

Did you ever have a proper intimate relationship that you just need to find again? Have things got worse slowly over time?

If yes, woman up and tell him exactly how you're feeling (even if it's uncomfortable- surely it's worth it Wink) He might even be feeling the same. If he's up for sex after a few drinks it could be a sign that he misses it too but can't express it unless his inhibitions are lowered by drink. Obvs not ideal, but maybe if you start the talking you can both open up Smile

If it's always been the same, then it's a probably a difference in compatibility that won't ever change imo.

annoyedand · 23/07/2017 11:26

Is have left years ago you need to discuss this with him tell him how you feel and put it on the cards that if things don't change you will be leaving.

Do you still fancy him?

Do you want intamacy with him ?

TheNaze73 · 23/07/2017 13:58

You need to address this with him. Without sex, you may as well be housemates.

It'll only get worse OP

Original poster
complexsimplicity · 23/07/2017 20:56

Intimacy was fine when we were dating but kind of went downhill post marriage...

Didn't help that we had to live with family soon after marriage for a year which made it a little tricky.

If this is the case before kids, I couldn't imagine what it would be like afterwards.

OP posts:
IAmTheBadOne · 23/07/2017 21:52

I think you can get back to it as long as you both communicate

Reads as you don't have children yet . Intimacy can decrease when kids small but also can come back much stronger once out of toddler stage

There is also a question of compatibility...

0ccamsRazor · 25/07/2017 10:34

Do you fancy him Op, is he sexually attractive to you?

A frank and honest conversation is needed.

Original poster
complexsimplicity · 13/08/2017 21:01

I've always found him very attractive...

Just not sure he feels the same. Especially since I'm sure he was flirting with a shop assistant this weekend right in front of me.

OP posts:
Original poster
complexsimplicity · 16/10/2017 02:08

We have resorted to trailing sleeping in separate beds, upon my request, because it’s simply easier than the constant feeling of disappointment. Not sure if that constitutes separation.

It has driven me to contemplate having an affair. Might be meeting an ex mostly as a distraction...

OP posts:
Brahms3rdracket · 16/10/2017 10:08

Oh no OP it doesn't sound as if anything has improved with you. Have you talked about this situation at all or just moved beds? Be very careful what you do next, meeting with an ex is only going to add another problem for you and I would urge you to reconsider. If you're not able to be open and discuss the problems in your marriage you need to discuss how best to separate. Do this before getting involved with anyone else.

MH1966 · 16/10/2017 10:08

I know exactly how you feel!

Original poster
complexsimplicity · 16/10/2017 18:49

Dracket: Tbh I don’t think I can bring myself to have an affair but a meeting with the ex would be a welcome distraction.

I suggested that space would be good hence the separate beds.

OP posts:
MH1966 · 17/10/2017 11:12

Hope it all works out.

FluffyFerrets · 17/10/2017 18:07

OP I feel for you.
I left a 6 year relationship because of this. It's horrible, soul and self confidence destroying and for me (and many others on a thread about it at the time) it just got worse and worse.
I'd struggled for years with it and the final straw that made me realise I needed to leave was when I actually gave some real thought about cheating.... I felt bad enough about myself without adding that into the mix.
MH - have you had that user name for ages? Your name seems familiar, were you on a thread similar a few years back?

SonicBoomBoom · 17/10/2017 18:10

Have you already been meeting or talking with your ex? Or is this an abstract thought?

stealtheatingtunnocks · 17/10/2017 18:16

Yeah, I get this. My DH is the same, just doesn't need people.

I've concluded that I have to make my own happiness. That he does not, actually, make me happy.

We have kids who need him, he's a good dad, he works hard for us - I've decided to settle for the good things and tolerate the lack in our marriage. He doesn't seem to mind separate rooms and separate lives. That in itself is fairly fucking disappointing!

MH1966 · 17/10/2017 20:55

Hi FF yes I have had this username since I joined.
I did post something a year or so ago.
Hope life is good for you now.

FluffyFerrets · 19/10/2017 20:51

I thought I remembered you MH (I'm a name change now ;))
I'm over 2 years on from leaving that relationship and I couldn't be happier. 100% it was the right thing for me to do.
Hope you're well too.

ChickenJalfrezi · 19/10/2017 20:55

Another one here who left an otherwise pretty compatible marriage for this reason.

AnnaThursday · 19/10/2017 21:09

I have no clue what makes these men tick, it’s hideous torture.
I’m another one who left a very, very long marriage - half of it sexless.
Only been a few months since divorce but I def feel less anxious.
If I was you I’d get out now, OP, don’t waste your life waiting for him to
change back to the man he once was - that man is gone.

stealtheatingtunnocks · 19/10/2017 21:38

For those of you who left - did ou have kids, and how old were they when you ended it?

Ours are teen, about to do exams. I'm thinking I can tolerate this nonsense for another decade.

He's not a bad man, he's just an entitled prick.

FluffyFerrets · 19/10/2017 22:43

No Stealth I didn't with this person (all fully grown adults)
I understand you not wanting to upset them and definitely to not risk exams etc but your happiness is important too. I'm not saying go now or anything. It took me a long time to stop talking myself round, to stop making my own excuses for my his behaviour and treatment of me and for me to face up to reality that it wasn't going to change.

Out of 6 years it was absolutely awful for around 2 to 3 during which time my confidence was at rock bottom, I'd created anxiety within myself and I just felt so down, worthless and shit. I could not have lasted another month never mind another 10 years.
Once I'd made the decision, even before I actually left (We lived in a different country, I didn't tell him I was leaving him and going home until the last minute) I just felt relief and a sense of pulling something back. If that makes sense.
Life is too short to spend it in miserable, sexless, cold relationships.

FluffyFerrets · 19/10/2017 22:55

it’s hideous torture
That's exactly what it feels like.
I've described it before as like being punished for something but you don't know what for.
Do any of your OH's do the PUBLIC displays of masculinity? you know, while out shopping or wherever they'll slap your ass, kiss you or some other gesture, often of a semi sexual nature, that showing the world - I'm a man, she's my woman...yawn!!
my ex used to do this but then wouldn't come near me in private and it used to drive me mad. In the end I'd get so fucking angry at him. I even once snapped at him - "please don't fucking do that, you don't do it at home so I'd rather you didn't do it in Tesco" It didn't really go down well but by that point I'd lost respect for him and didn't care.

MH1966 · 20/10/2017 07:24

Glad your your ok and happy.
As for me I’m ok although still stuck in a loveless partnership.I should have guessed it would be like this as her mother is the same towards her husband.Daughter like Mother!

stealtheatingtunnocks · 20/10/2017 10:04

It's a thing I wrestle with, actually.

DH is either aspergers, or, selfish, or, uncaring. It is possible, of course, to be all three.

The kids see a relationship which is not making either of us happy. That's not good. But, there's no actual fighting, no actual drama (not any more) - just two flatmates.

He's not really that interested in the kids, either. It's all on his terms.

If I leave, we have to move city, I can't afford to live here. So, I'd be uprooting them from everything they use to cushion the odd situation at home - which isn't ideal, but, neither is the alternative.

I sometimes dream of being widowed. That's awful, I feel awful about it. But, there it is.

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