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Original poster

Is this an age problem or is it me?

31 replies

tenpoletudor · 11/07/2017 17:00

Many years ago I had an amazing relationship, inc the best sex I've ever had, but we split up. I was young and pretty and slim back then.

We met again last year and have got together again (long distance, so about once a month due to practical constraints).
He gets an erection and we have PI but he softens after a while.
I think it's fine (all sorts of ways to have fun :) but he is upset.

But I have not been able to make him come which I am sad about.
I am older (48) and no longer slim and am really worried this is the problem.

He is 67 and has had little sex for the last decade though I suspect he uses porn a lot.

Is it me? He says not but I am worried.
If it was me would he just not get hard at all?
Would Viagra help? (he would never speak to anyone about it)

OP posts:

RatherBeRiding · 11/07/2017 17:03

I very much doubt it's you. Likely to be a combination of age and porn use. It's unfortunate he won't seek help - if he won't I really don't what, if anything, you can do about it.

And I think Viagra is more for someone who can't get an erection in the first place.

Out2pasture · 11/07/2017 17:09

67, is he on any blood pressure or heart medications?

Original poster

tenpoletudor · 11/07/2017 17:56

No, no meds.
He can make himself orgasm but says he is 'not relaxed enough' with me yet (and he'd never do it in front of me, he is quite buttoned up).

If he just didnt fancy me any more, presumably he wouldnt get hard at all?

If we walk along holding hands it is enough for him to get hard. Getting undressed, initially in bed, PI for about 10 mins then he goes soft. He is better after sleep, and first thing in the morning.
Like I say I dont mind at ALL, but I would like him to be able to 'lose control' a bit more, like when we were younger.
I want to know i can turn him on

If it is because of his age I'd be a bit less paranoid, I think!

OP posts:

WarmFunKindStrong · 11/07/2017 18:05

I think he just needs time to get used to having sex with a woman, and feel less self conscious. How lovely that just holding your hand enables him to have an erection, it is obvious from that happening, he does fancy you/find you (very) attractive.

Just give everything a bit more time. (You lucky woman, it sounds as though it could be the start of something fabulous!) Good luck

Adamadamant · 11/07/2017 18:09

Hi it could just been an age thing or there might be an underlying health problem such as high blood pressure. Not easy for men to discuss with a doctor but could really help. it will not be about you but there could be an issue with porn or it could be a combination of factors including those you mentioned plus thing like alchohol etc. As a man who is getting on I know the feeling, not everything works as it use to!

Original poster

tenpoletudor · 11/07/2017 18:13

WarmFunKindStrong
thank you for those encouraging words.
He is an odd chap in many ways so I will enjoy it while it lasts I think!
I get more turned on just looking at him across a coffee cupin a cafe than i ever have with anyone else, so I hope it lasts a while at least!

OP posts:

Original poster

tenpoletudor · 11/07/2017 18:19

He is very fit (runs daily) and doesnt drink.
He is v sensitive about his age and wont wear his specs etc.
He nodded off when we were in the middle of something recently.
I thought it was nice he was so relaxed, he was mortified
Yy to overuse of porn though I think

OP posts:

NotTheFordType · 11/07/2017 20:19

I have a lot of clients in their late sixties/70s and this is a common problem, and is often made worse by condom use (which I sincerely hope you're doing.)

Most clients of mine in that age bracket know they struggle to stay hard and orgasm during vaginal sex so we usually just stick to oral and mutual masturbation.

From what you've said he takes care of his physical health so this sounds like a mental block - a prophecy that's become self-fulfilling.

Taking the pressure off by removing penetrative sex from the table may help.

Original poster

tenpoletudor · 11/07/2017 20:33

It happens with oral/handjob too (much slower though!)
I guess it's a mental thing then

OP posts:

wherearemymarbles · 11/07/2017 20:57

67 is no spring chicken. I dont know how often you have sex when you meet but I'll warrant its a lot more than if you were a 67 year old woman.

These type of problems are very common in men of his age so i doubt it has anything to do with you (or porn)

Men dont need to be erect to have an orgasm so he can sort himself out when fully soft if needed. If you tried you'd just give up thinking he wasnt turned on. And he would be embarrassed

Original poster

tenpoletudor · 11/07/2017 21:07

we only get to meet once a month if that atm.
we tend to go to bed midafternoon, get up for supper, back to bed, sleep at midnight and then awake again about 6am. So, basically carrying on like we did 20 years ago but of course we dont have the stamina any more!

wherearemymarbles
that is spot on. I will, ahem, work on him when he is erect and he will seem to enjoy it. After a while I feel a bit silly as I cant seem to make him come and I expect he senses that (or thinks I need a break) and will pull me close for a cuddle. If it satisfies him then its' fine by me.
I have just been tormenting myself that I am a let down after all these years. HE isn't. I adore him.

OP posts:

wherearemymarbles · 11/07/2017 21:15

Also think of it like this. I am 48 yr old male and if i came here and said i wondered if my 67 yr old girlfriend fancied me because she was always so dry and has difficulty in reaching orgasm, i imagine i would be told, thats to be expected at her age and normal so dont take it personally.
You have to do the same. The mind might be willing, the body, as we age,often has different ideas!

WarmFunKindStrong · 11/07/2017 21:18

It all sounds wonderful. (Mid afternoon sex, how deliciously decadent )

Please try and not worry (easier said than done I know). I have my fingers crossed for you both, long may it continue.

Original poster

tenpoletudor · 11/07/2017 21:19

Yes, marbles another good point.
Thank you - this has all been very helpful.

I definitely have issues about my body so was attributing it to that.

I can see now that it is probably nothing to do with that.

i will relax and enjoy what comes (ba boom tish!)

OP posts:

HarmlessChap · 12/07/2017 15:33

And I think Viagra is more for someone who can't get an erection in the first place. No that's wrong, in fact I think it's totally opposite in that if you can't get an erection at all Viagra is far less likely to help.

OP Viagra (sildenifil citrate) can be bought from various well known pharmacies (Lloyds and superdrug do I think) online so long as you complete a short consultation questionnaire to obtain a private prescription even some Asda pharmacies have a prescribing pharmacist who can supply it.

I think it may well help him (25mg as a starting dose) but ED still carries such a stigma so it's easy to see why he might be reluctant. However if he does try it and it works he'll never look back!

Original poster

tenpoletudor · 12/07/2017 16:26

Thank you HarmlessChap that is very useful to know! :)

OP posts:

TalbotAMan · 12/07/2017 18:14

For the past couple of years, since it came off patent, it's available on the NHS (in England anyway - I don't know about the other countries) by GP prescription, and for a 67 year-old will be free.

Original poster

tenpoletudor · 12/07/2017 18:50

There is not a hope in hell he'd go near a GP.
Or a supermarket pharmacy I don't think?
I dont suppose I could get it for him as it is not for me, either?
Unless he could apply for it online and I could collect it for him?
He is VERY buttoned up about these things.

OP posts:

OrlandaFuriosa · 13/07/2017 00:32

Don't forget that he is used to his own touch and pressure through masturbation, sounds obvious to say, but just saying porn doesn't cover the issue. The death grip syndrome is not unusual. I found this an immensely comforting thought: there was no way I could precisely replicate what he was used to. It wasn't a personal thing, my personal failure.

OrlandaFuriosa · 13/07/2017 00:33

Not the Ford, your advice is so comforting, thank you.

Original poster

tenpoletudor · 13/07/2017 08:23

Orlanda
I have asked him to show me what he does, but he is too shy.
I know he uses a cock ring when he is by himself but I've not come across one of those before?

OP posts:

OrlandaFuriosa · 13/07/2017 10:22

Op, if you go on to lovehoney I'm pretty sure they do cock rings. But only he will know the pressure, speed etc that he provides for himself. Very difficult for someone else to replicate.

I beat myself up about this for years. Reading Dan Savage, recommendation from this site, has helped me understand much more.

But if he is content not to come in you or in your hands but still has a loving, intimate relationship, perhaps coming through his hands after lots of joint foreplay, that's lovely, success, too. You just need to amend your success criteria. Easier said than done, but NottheFord's advice is wise.

Original poster

tenpoletudor · 13/07/2017 13:05

Hi again Orlanda
My only 'success criteria' is that we keep going to bed and are happy. That's it! :)
HE is the one getting stressed about hardness /coming inside me etc. although I am desperate to make him come I've not told him that.

We have been to bed about 5 times now and he has had a couple of softening episodes which he found really upsetting (tears etc).
I think he is simply expecting it to be the same as 25 yrs ago, which obviously it cant be (both older, less fit, tireder etc)
I told him that he is the best lover I have ever had - and I meant it. He makes me more giddy over a cup of tea than other men have after a whole weekend in bed. But I think he thought I was just 'cheering him up' and he shut down. I hope he doesnt want to stop.
That's the only bit I'm really worried about! I adore him.

I am not going to talk to him about it, that is just focussing on it afahic. But I will be more relaxed about 'not making him hard/come' now I've had the benefit of this thread. Thanks to all inputters!
I'll have a look at Dan Savage, thanks! x

OP posts:

Man1974 · 13/07/2017 13:14

Him standing up may keep the blood pressure up (so you on all 4 fours or near the edge of the bed).

Vibrating cock ring added in too!

Man1974 · 13/07/2017 13:16

Buy one on the excuse that you want to try it. You can easily get them from Boots or restaurant loo vending machines.

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