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Original poster

Why can't I say no

71 replies

toomuchshit · 18/06/2017 10:14

Last night I was out the back talking to my neighbour. He had in the past made comments by message but I thought it was just banter. Well last night he was asking to see my breasts. I kept saying no but he kept asking. I was saying it in a friendly way so he obviously though I was just joking or something. I ended up just agreeing to let him in and he started kissing me. I didn't push him away because I had got myself into this position. He took my top off and touched me. I just let him. I know next time he will want more and I don't know what to do. Saying no doesn't work. I found that out the hard way

OP posts:

RebelRogue · 18/06/2017 12:41

OP have you dealt with your previous rape? I'm asking because it seems your defeatist attitude stems from that. That saying no doesn't matter,that no one will believe you or care etc. However,these are different men,circumstances and situations. Just because that's how it was the first time ,doesn't mean it will be the same now. I really hope you can get some real life support,it's not your fault,you are not responsible for any of this.

Original poster

toomuchshit · 18/06/2017 12:46

Ive been trying to deal with the rape for years. Nobody listens when I say no, not just when sex is concerned but anything

OP posts:

Original poster

toomuchshit · 18/06/2017 12:51

I need to find a way to move house. I don't want to be here anymore

OP posts:

RebelRogue · 18/06/2017 12:55

Is that doable? Do you own or rent? Try CAB for advice.

Starting fresh is a good idea,but it sounds like this is a bigger issue than the neighbour,and you might end up in a similar situation. People are dicks and as you say ,they try to take advantage and make you do thing you don't want to do,in general not just sexually. This is something you need to work on. Easier said than done, I know.

Original poster

toomuchshit · 18/06/2017 12:56

I rent through HA. Don't know if they will move me though. I just don't want to be where I can bump into him or need to see him

OP posts:

RebelRogue · 18/06/2017 13:18

There's no harm in asking or looking into a swap/exchange.

Original poster

toomuchshit · 18/06/2017 15:11

I keep running over and over in my head.

OP posts:

TDHManchester · 18/06/2017 16:35

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

picklemepopcorn · 18/06/2017 16:39

TDH! Stop that! It is not Ops responsibility to fend off grabby men!

Original poster

toomuchshit · 18/06/2017 16:40

I don't think anyone will believe me. It was easier to just let it happen rather than be assertive because that doesn't work. I know it was my own fault and I just need to deal with how I feel now

OP posts:

Sparkletastic · 18/06/2017 16:41

Sounds like you have been conditioned to be overly polite and aquiescent. Perhaps not just with predatory men but with many people that you come into contact with? You need to know that it is ok to be outraged, angry and what you might think is rude (but is actually assertive) to people that try to take advantage of you. Practice some responses. Things like:
How dare you speak to me like that?
Fuck off - I have no interest in you.
Leave me alone or I will call the police.

PurpleDaisies · 18/06/2017 16:42

*You said no but you were not assertive enough. You also allowed the man into your home and allowed him to touch you, undress you and kiss you. There comes a time when you have to take responsibility for your own actions.

She said no. Your "but..." is totally irrelevant.

Rape apologists use language like yours. She said no but she wasn't assertive enough. She said no but she was dressed provocatively. She said no but she was really drunk.

No means no.

Aridane · 18/06/2017 16:42

Why did you allow this man into your home?

Original poster

toomuchshit · 18/06/2017 16:45

Because I'm stupid and it was the only way I could see of getting inside and to bed. I told him i thought I heard my daughter which is why he finally left

OP posts:

dataandspot · 18/06/2017 16:45

Aridane

Because he kept pushing, didn't listen to her. He wore her down.he didn't care that she didn't respond.

But yeah put the blame on the op.

Aridane · 18/06/2017 16:48

No - I'm not blaming OP, just asking a question. Which she has answered

RebelRogue · 18/06/2017 16:58

OP you are in no way at fault or responsible for any of this. A decent person would accept the no. It's that simple. Your voice should be heard,your thoughts and opinions should count even if it's something people don't want to hear.

Once upon a time i got felt up by my maths tutor in a room full of people. I didn't say no,I didn't say anything. I didn't even get up and leave. On top of that i came back. And he did it again for nearly the whole session. And again I didn't say or fo anything. It wasn't my fault. And it is not your fault either.

Original poster

toomuchshit · 18/06/2017 17:05

I know if i don't move then it will happen again and it will go further. Im just not strong enough to stop it. Im scared about what could happen next

OP posts:

TDHManchester · 18/06/2017 17:27

I have no idea why my comment has been deleted. I'm simply giving another perspective on the matter.. I thought this forum was for free and open debate.

RebelRogue · 18/06/2017 17:30

OP have you always been like this?
What did you think it might happened if you said no in a more assertive/forceful manner?

Original poster

toomuchshit · 18/06/2017 17:33

I was raped when I was a teenager. I learnt very early on that if a man wants something he will take it whether i say no or not. I had started to feel I was ok to say no but this just proves that its not

OP posts:

Original poster

toomuchshit · 18/06/2017 17:34

If I was more forceful then they might hurt me more

OP posts:

MrTumblesbitch · 18/06/2017 17:35

Oh op, I feel for you - I have been in same situation and recognise exactly how you feel.

I too was raped / sexually abused and really struggle with saying a forceful no. I try and charm myself out of situations (god knows why) rather than actually saying no fuck off, like I think other people probably would.

I have no advice, but I wanted you to know you are not alone. I am a ballsy woman (I work in sales and am no push over generally) but there's something about this situation that makes me timid and unable to stop what is happening.

I know this post isn't helpful as such, I just very much wanted you to know you aren't alone

RebelRogue · 18/06/2017 17:40

If I was more forceful then they might hurt me more

This is so sad. But don't you see? This was not you being weak,pathetic,naive or whatever. This was you stuck in a scary situation with the personal knowledge of what saying no/being assertive/forceful could mean..you being hurt more.
It's self preservation,trying to keep yourself safe.

Nelly5678 · 18/06/2017 17:41

Walk away from the fence and say you'll call the police. Also tell his wife

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