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Original poster

Dominant? Doesn't like to be touched

41 replies

Getttingbackinthesaddle · 20/05/2017 16:43

First a bit of background - new relationship, both out of long term sexless marriages, he's had a few flings in the recent past but I feel like a born again virgin since it's been 20+ years since I've been with anyone new Smile. Been casual friends for a long time and relationship has built slowly over past few months via an intense texting and latterly sexting relationship. My family circs are complicated and opportunities for meeting up are limited.

Anyway, spent first night together this week. Was so looking forward to it because sexting has really really turned me on and I was desperate to see how we'd be together. Through the texts I knew he likes to be dominant and this is something I've not experienced before and therefore was curious to see how this would play out. The dominance thing has been alluded to but when pressed to tell me what that entails for him he's not been very forthcoming on details.

Well within 10 mins of getting in the room I was totally naked, pinned down and receiving oral which to some may sound heavenly but was all a bit much for me having been without sex for so long BlushI then tried to slow things down and take the lead a bit only to find that he couldn't tolerate me kissing, nibbling or licking him anywhere because he said it was too tickly. Even touching his balls like this received the same reaction though he calmed down a bit when I gave him a blow job though only for a few minutes before he lifted me off him and pinned me down again on my back Confused

So my query really is, is this a thing? Could it be that the only thing that does it for him is being totally dominant and in control? Of course I will ask him direct but was interested in others views and experiences. If there is a next time then I think I'd be happy to go with the flow a bit more with his dominant approach even if this isn't my natural style. He'd then have to give my way a go Grin though to be honest he made me feel a bit like I was doing nothing for him because of how squirmy he was and keen to get me back on my back Grin

Help! Want this to work.

OP posts:
Lovemusic33 · 20/05/2017 17:25

I slept someone like this a couple years ago and it was the first and last time I slept with him, I am a very touchy person, love to stroke, kiss and nibble so when he said 'don't touch' I was totally turned off. Luckily I wasn't attached to this person in the way you are with this man, sounds like everything else has been going well. I think you should just talk to him and maybe make a compromise on a few things, if you feel it's someth No you could get used to then give it a shot but for me personally I don't like Doms.

Original poster
Getttingbackinthesaddle · 20/05/2017 18:11

Thanks for the reply. I think I feel unconfident in my preferences because it's been so long since I've been with anyone other than my ex and for the last few years have had no sex at all. After all the sexting, which has really done it for me, I think maybe I had unrealistic expectations of how amazing it was going to be too. I want to explore things a bit more.

I'm keen to hear from any doms or people who are in relationships with doms about the lack of reciprocity thing though. I'm puzzled by it. Maybe he'd have been more receptive if I'd just gone with the flow and let him take totally lead and control.

OP posts:
Lovemusic33 · 20/05/2017 20:25

There is another thread on here about Dom's which states the differences between a real Dom and a man who thinks he's a Dom but is actually being controling.

For me sex has to be 50/50, I like to play a big role in it and not be bossed around too much.

BroomhildaVonShaft · 20/05/2017 20:28

Always be wary when sexting is really hot - the reality is always disappointing.

Original poster
Getttingbackinthesaddle · 20/05/2017 20:37

Thanks both. I'll have a look for that thread. I agree with you Broom on the sexting leading to disappointment. I think the feeling of disappointment was mutual too Sad

OP posts:
Girlywurly · 21/05/2017 08:15

I've been with a self-styled 'Dom' who sounds a little bit similar to yours in his bedroom antics. It was the least erotic experience of my life, quite unpleasant actually - like having sex with a giant spider. He was creeping and darting around all over the place, trying to pin me down. Horrible. Also didn't seem to want me to do anything other than just lie there and take his frankly bizarre abuses. I'm pretty sure he had performance issues, which he didn't want to be scrutinized. Also he had a really weirdly shaped cock, which maybe he didn't want me to look at? Shuddering at the recollection tbh.

Anyway, point is, I'd get out now OP before you become even more emotionally entangled with this guy. There are plenty of fun, sexy men out there who'll gladly show you a good time. Wink

Always be wary when sexting is really hot - the reality is always disappointing

Yep, agreed. And the best partner I ever had wasn't really into sexting at all.

SnoogyWoo · 21/05/2017 09:23

He's scared of losing his erection so needs to be dominant in the early stages of the relationship. He will be very nervous after a long time in a sexless relationship even if he doesn't show it.

itsbetterthanabox · 21/05/2017 09:26

I think a man you've just started dating pinning you down is a red flag no matter what sexual 'kink' he calls it.

Bobbins43 · 21/05/2017 09:31

There should still be discussion and consent in dom/sub relationships. You have to discuss boundaries and what's acceptable and what isn't. And they're supposed to check in with you to make sure you're still OK, so whatever he's doing, it's not being a dominant in the traditional sense.

I think you need to have a frank discussion with him about this but first of all, you need to have a think about what YOU want in a sexual relationship. Not all sex in a sub/dom relationship needs to be following these rules anyway.

The not being comfortable being touched thing would worry me slightly. Focus on what YOU want and what makes you comfortable and go from there

Girlywurly · 21/05/2017 09:36

He's scared of losing his erection so needs to be dominant in the early stages of the relationship

Exactly what I was thinking.

differentnameforthis · 21/05/2017 10:03

Want this to work. Confused

The dominance thing has been alluded to but when pressed to tell me what that entails for him he's not been very forthcoming on details. This is a HUGE red flag. Good dominates are very forthcoming with details about what will happen/won't happen/how it will happen etc!

Naked and pinned down w/in 10 minutes, is NOT dominance, unless that is what have previously agreed to after long talks about this. I hope there was proper, willing consent involved!

Unless he opens up and you can have the convo about your limits, and his, then I would give him a huge swerve!!

I think I feel unconfident in my preferences But this wasn't about your preferences. He made that clear when he refused to answer your questions about dominance.

differentnameforthis · 21/05/2017 10:04

Good Doms not dominates...bloody autocorrect

Original poster
Getttingbackinthesaddle · 21/05/2017 15:47

Thanks for all the replies everyone. Just to reassure that consent was there and he stopped as soon as I indicated I wanted to slow things down albeit didn't tolerate me touching him for too long before I was back on my back again!

I'm comfortable enough with him to talk things through frankly. It clearly wasn't great for either of us so we need to talk it out to see what common ground we can find, if any.

When I said I want it to work that's because everything else is great and I think we have a good connection on other levels (appreciating that that's mostly based on texting not real life contact Confused)

Sounds like it's his own version of domination too and I think it's probably right that he was very nervous. It's the distaste for being touched too much that I still find weird Hmm

OP posts:
picklemepopcorn · 21/05/2017 16:15

He may have sensory issues. If he is in control all the time, he doesn't have to do or feel anything he doesn't like.

Bobbins43 · 21/05/2017 16:31

He may have sensory issues but he needs to talk them through and explain them

caffelatte100 · 21/05/2017 16:39

In my mind, wherever he is coming from, it just doesn't sound very nice or considerate of your feelings....

LittleBooInABox · 21/05/2017 17:36

My Master, doesn't allow me to kiss him often. Or to touch him freely. It's how he is and I accept it. If it's a deal breaker I'd leave sooner rather than later it can get hard.

Original poster
Getttingbackinthesaddle · 21/05/2017 17:51

That's interesting LittleBoo. If it's all part of his pseudo-Dom thing and going to be a permanent feature then that is absolutely a deal breaker for me. I'll find out hopefully when I ask him.

OP posts:
itsbetterthanabox · 21/05/2017 19:16

Littlebooinabox
Your master? Confused you can't be being serious..
Ffs.

LittleBooInABox · 21/05/2017 21:18

@itsbetterthanabox

Yes I can be being serious and I am. It's the lifestyle we both chose to live. He isn't my boyfriend, or my husband. And dominant seems to cold a title. If you disagree you don't have to comment. But I thank you for your input.

josuk · 21/05/2017 22:19

I don't think he is a Dom - in a traditional sense of the word - as others have said Dom/subs relationships are a lot more structured in what and how things happen.

But - long term sexless marriages are tough and surely have an impact on many things for a long time.

Him saying he likes to be 'dominant' - is what many men say - like when they say on dating profiles that they are 'alpha' males.... Its sort of a posturing/signalling thing men do, sort of like peacocks with their tales. I think, men think that women like strong, leading men... lol

If you get along otherwise - and are comfortable with open communication - you can discuss and figure these things out. And, possibly, find a middle ground that works for both.

New relationships, especially with long term baggage - take time. Both parties will need to relax and develop trust.

Good luck!!!!!

itsbetterthanabox · 21/05/2017 23:16

I wonder what goes through the minds of these men that enjoy abusing women. How they justify it to themselves.

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 21/05/2017 23:23

I wonder what goes through the minds of these men that enjoy abusing women. How they justify it to themselves.

BDSM (which is, by definition, consensual) is not abuse. Don't be so ignorant.

itsbetterthanabox · 21/05/2017 23:29

Just because it's suddenly become cool to say that you like men treating you like shit doesn't make it not abuse.

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 21/05/2017 23:42

Just because it's suddenly become cool to say that you like men treating you like shit doesn't make it not abuse.

Wtf? There is a massive difference between abuse and BDSM and if you can't see that then there is something very wrong with you.

BDSM is not "treating people like shit", which is just showing how ignorant you really are.

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