Dominant? Doesn't like to be touched

[Getttingbackinthesaddle]

First a bit of background - new relationship, both out of long term sexless marriages, he's had a few flings in the recent past but I feel like a born again virgin since it's been 20+ years since I've been with anyone new . Been casual friends for a long time and relationship has built slowly over past few months via an intense texting and latterly sexting relationship. My family circs are complicated and opportunities for meeting up are limited.

Anyway, spent first night together this week. Was so looking forward to it because sexting has really really turned me on and I was desperate to see how we'd be together. Through the texts I knew he likes to be dominant and this is something I've not experienced before and therefore was curious to see how this would play out. The dominance thing has been alluded to but when pressed to tell me what that entails for him he's not been very forthcoming on details.

Well within 10 mins of getting in the room I was totally naked, pinned down and receiving oral which to some may sound heavenly but was all a bit much for me having been without sex for so long I then tried to slow things down and take the lead a bit only to find that he couldn't tolerate me kissing, nibbling or licking him anywhere because he said it was too tickly. Even touching his balls like this received the same reaction though he calmed down a bit when I gave him a blow job though only for a few minutes before he lifted me off him and pinned me down again on my back

So my query really is, is this a thing? Could it be that the only thing that does it for him is being totally dominant and in control? Of course I will ask him direct but was interested in others views and experiences. If there is a next time then I think I'd be happy to go with the flow a bit more with his dominant approach even if this isn't my natural style. He'd then have to give my way a go though to be honest he made me feel a bit like I was doing nothing for him because of how squirmy he was and keen to get me back on my back

Help! Want this to work.

Thanks josuk. I think you're mostly right. I've also been trying to think back to some of the text convos we've had about it and now I wonder if this is perhaps a side of himself that he wants to explore now that he's free to do so which is why he wasn't very forthcoming about the details when I asked him what being dominant meant to him ie it's not something he's already established for himself.

I should get chance to have a proper talk to him later this week so will bring it up then. Still need to understand the aversion to being touched thing. I don't think it's sensory. He loves kissing and is great at that but it will be a problem for me if he can't get past that.

Thanks for replies all ...

Just because it's suddenly become cool to say that you like men treating you like shit doesn't make it not abuse.

Well that's an ignorant assumption of ever I saw one. TMI post for people not in the lifestyle. My life isn't abuse, he is not abusive. And I love what our relationship entails. I'm not some down trodden women, and he isn't some closet abusive man.

I love it when he spanks me, in fact I ask for it more than he does. This is the most honest, open and trustful relationship I've ever been in. And I resent you saying that it's abusive, or cool to like it. This has been going on for many many years. So I don't quite get where you think it became cool, the story of O for instance came out many years ago. It's just become ok to discuss it now.

Get off your high horse, don't agree with it don't have a power exchange relationship but that damn well doesn't give you the right to say stuff like that, and act like some stuck up middle aged, church going, pearl clutching, judgemental individual who is unable to see past their own nose

I dunno....not letting you "in" on what his idea of dom/sub is, is NOT on, op.

That way, he can control anything and EVERYTHING where your sexual encounters are concerned, and in true sub/dom that isn't actually what happens. You decide the parameters together. That is very important.

But LittleBooInABox you have discussed the parameters of this, haven't you? You know what to expect as does he. That is the difference here, op hasn't had that discussion

itsbetterthanabox Yawn. It isn't abuse.

LittleBooInABox Nice post! I think people like itsbetterthanabox think that it all comes from 50 shades...hence the "suddenly it's cool" comment. As you say, ignorant.

Nothing to with 50 shades of grey or pearls.
Everything to with the fetishisation of the subjugation of women.
I'm not ignorant lolz. I'm aware of all the propaganda on this shit.
Current Sex positivity and being anti 'kink shaming' is very much a current trend:
http://liberalfeministtropes.blogspot.co.uk/2014/03/why-im-against-bdsm-radical-feminist.html?m=1

So itsbetterthanabox has been a bit rude, but she has a point.

If you get hard from putting a leash on a woman and obliging her to go on all fours, that's not morally neutral IMO. It's not a preference in the same way that liking 4 sugars in your tea as opposed to 3 is.

I struggle with this because, although I'm not a BDSM-er, I am inclined to be sexually submissive and some of my fantasies are pretty outre to say the least.

But I can't help wonder what these men are getting out of it, and what's driving them. No matter how many touchy-feely, pseudo-philosophical chats you have beforehand, if you get off by hog-tying a woman and daubing her body with slurs like 'slut', 'whore', 'cocksucker', etc... well, it is what it is, when all's said and done, don't you think?

Ps. Sex always poses a bit of a conundrum for me because, if I like a guy, I really want to submit to him... But if I discover he wants to do horrible, 'Dominant' stuff to me, I immediately lose all respect for him, and want out immediately.

I read the link to that blog, and what a load of crap. If you haven't lived it, you don't know what your talking about.

I love my lifestyle, in fact I'd never go back to vanilla relationships. Because I need this part of me. People have died, not just women. Because not all women are submissive. Some are Doms too, some do those same acts to men.

You say that men who want to do these things to women must be morally wrong. What about women who crave it? He calls me slut, whore and various other names. I love it! He spanks me until I'm crying, and I still want more. He's pushed my body into places I never thought I'd go and I have loved and adored every moment of it.

All the while he cares for me, ensures I'm safe. He's never hit me in anger! Never. He wouldn't. That isn't domination. Saying all Doms are abusers is like saying all muslims are terrorists. It's complete crap.

That's the trouble with feminism they'll help the oppressed, even if they wasn't oppressed in the first place. Like demanding someone is hungry despite them saying they are full. If you don't like it, don't do it. Nothing gives you the right to condemn those of us who do.

NC. The key here is in different's post about having a discussion and also seeing it as a journey within a loving, caring relationship. No doubt LittleBoo started with milder stuff, enjoyed it and asked for more. Her DP is doing what's she asked – it could be argued he is submitting to her wishes in order to give her pleasure.

In this house we experimented with Dom/sub stuff, long before the internet so little to go on, about two/three times a year, always as a surprise. My preference was being sub, though DW said I was good when being Dom, nothing like 50 Shades apparently (both of us refused to read it or see the film), nothing like the Story of O either. For those scenarios that link resonates with me.

another vote for the 'worried he's going to cum/lose his erection' viewpoint
less interesting than the whole dom thing

I also wonder if it is more of a case of being concerned about keeping his erection/performance anxiety..

I have recently been in a very similar situation. After two decades of very little sex and for the last few years nothing at all I recently became involved with an old friend. He is so good for me in so many ways. I was excited if nervous when we actually got to spend time alone together. Conversations we had had previously made me feel that it was going to be hot hot hot!
He actually seemed reluctant to go there at first and was happy to cuddle. He was obviously uncomfortable with me touching him and so he went down on me which was nice but I felt it was stop me trying to touch him and to satisfy me without the need for more

Later we were in bed and as I was falling asleep he was stroking me but again wouldn't let me touch. He became aroused and we had sex but it was on his terms. His choice of position etc. He was quiet and just moved me to suit. I felt rejected to be honest but at the same time I also felt it was more about his own erection fears and insecurities than about me if that makes sense? He isn't massively endowed and is also a little self conscious about this I feel.

His explanation is that he just likes to give and that is what he gets pleasure from and being touched doesn't do anything for him. He won't snog and as I'm touchy feely when I have feelings for someone, I realised he hated me resting my hand on his thigh or linking my arm through his. He can cope with hand holding but that is about it

I think you're in a better position op because it sounds like you may at least be able to talk about this. My guy has gone away for a few months and I know I need to use them to get over him because it's not fun if if its all one sided physically and he refuses to discuss it past he is a giver

Thanks MissT for sharing that. I am due to speak to him tomorrow and will bring it up. I've come to the view, partly through this thread provoking thoughts and memories of texts, that perhaps it's a combination of him experimenting and seeing this new thing with me as a chance to explore this side of his sexuality as well as perhaps needing the control in order to feel he could perform as he wanted to. I'm encouraged by the fact that he's happy to kiss. Will see what he says

If it is a matter of worry about losing an erection then bear in mind it can happen, but it will come back! If that's he's worry and he does lose it, suggest you have a kiss and a cuddle, stroke each other's bodies, then gentlly with his penis.

Good luck.

When I've experienced guys who keep edging away from me or pushing me away from their cock, it's turned out to be because they've been worried about cumming too soon.

This guy sounds a bit of a nob though. He should have just said "No don't touch me now, I don't want to pop too early!"

He sounds like a half arsed dom, for sure. Is he even on Fetlife?

I like a dominant man, but id be turned off if I wasn't allowed to touch my partner. Sounds like he just wants to objectify and use you without "you" actually being an active participant. I think it sounds very unfulfilling and he sounds insecure and with sex issues rather than dominant and sexy

He could well be just having sensory issues. I despise being stroked and tickled, if just makes me feel gross. If my partner touches me it has to be firm.

I'm the same clockwatch which is a shame for my DH who would love to stroke me all day long but I'm far too ticklish and don't find it sexy in the least!