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Original poster

Submissive??

42 replies

HesNotVanilla · 13/05/2017 12:45

I'm beginning a connection with somebody but it can't actually get physical for a while. Backstory I won't share.

He's incredibly sexual and graphic and I feel out of my depth just when we talk, he's obviously experienced far more than I have in my pretty vanilla sexual history.

I do feel aroused but the dark/twisted side to sexual things is something I've never indulged in before and don't honestly know if I can handle it. It feels degrading to be commanded to beg to submit to him... If I feel like that just in conversation, I'm going to freak out over it if it's reality aren't I?

I have said I feel scared and would need time to warm up.

What's he really asking of me? Does it lead into more master/slave bondage type stuff? Do I just get the fuck out now, or does it come with time that you enjoy it?

OP posts:
gamerchick · 13/05/2017 12:50

He's asking you to bend into what he wants from the off rather than find out who you are first.

Never do something you're not sure of until you feel totally safe with the person you're doing it with. It doesn't sound as if you feel safe and seriously... Wtf talks about sex in graphic detail with someone they're just starting out with? He sounds tiresum.

Original poster
HesNotVanilla · 13/05/2017 12:59

Yea... I've said its wierd for me and essentially back the fuck off. But I also really like him and want to explore the connection - it's just he's given me no time to grow into that intimacy.

He outrightly said if I can't handle him, I shouldn't be playing with fire and has kind of left it to me to choose but told me he won't be backing off, I can choose to cut contact obviously though.

I feel drawn to him but scared of him

OP posts:
gamerchick · 13/05/2017 13:12

Well it's up to you.

It isn't for me personally, not even a little bit so cutting him off would be the obvious choice.

Didiusfalco · 13/05/2017 13:18

He sounds like a dick, who has a high opinion of himself if he thinks you would be 'playing with fire'. Someone that inflexible and self centred sounds dull and frankly unsexy. Bin him, find someone who is interested in you as well as themselves.

metalmum15 · 13/05/2017 13:21

Sounds like he's been reading too much '50 Shades'.

metalmum15 · 13/05/2017 13:21

Sounds like he's been reading too much '50 Shades'.

allzwell · 13/05/2017 13:22

He outrightly said if I can't handle him, I shouldn't be playing with fire and has kind of left it to me to choose but told me he won't be backing off, I can choose to cut contact obviously though.

He's messing with your head Op. Making you think that he is irresistible , that he is really interested in you, that you have the choice to choose him.

Later on, if things don't go as you would like them to go, he will point out that he gave you the info in the beginning and you made an informed choice.

Let this one go.

Mombie2016 · 13/05/2017 13:24

Doms don't behave like this.

He's an abusive arsehole. They like to masquerade as Doms.

He isn't one.

Because for a start he would only get off on Domming you if you got off on being a Sub and you clearly don't. Rule Numero Uno.

MrsJayy · 13/05/2017 13:25

He sounds like a controlling conceited nob and i think you should cool things off and take stock of what you want op.

Gallavich · 13/05/2017 13:26

Yuk. I'd run a mile. But I'm not 'submissive' and I think the idea of a man ordering me to do anything sexual is abhorrent

LozzaChops101 · 13/05/2017 13:29

I don't think if this stuff actually worked for you that you would be having this problem.

He sounds abusive.

You've told him that you're scared and he's then told you that he won't be backing off... Hmm I'd be doing a runner.

Original poster
HesNotVanilla · 13/05/2017 13:30

He hasn't actually ordered me to do anything but say I want to... Yet

Definitely messing with my head though

OP posts:
TheCountessofFitzdotterel · 13/05/2017 13:31

Red flags.
He's going faster than you want to go.
This is NEVER going to work as a bdsm relationship even if it turns out you could actually quite enjoy one with the right person, because you are not going to be able to trust him and feel comfortable with him and that is superimportant in bdsm.
End it. Sorry.

Original poster
HesNotVanilla · 13/05/2017 13:43

True

OP posts:
Girlywurly · 13/05/2017 14:00

In my experience, many of these self-styled 'Doms' are preening idiots who require a lot of ego-stroking to prop up their flagging self-image. Sounds as though he might be one of these.

I'd get out now. Bet he's a crap shag when it comes down to it. If he's as alpha as he's trying to make out, why on earth does he need to get so hot and heavy with a woman he barely knows??

Gentlygrowingoldermale · 13/05/2017 15:25

BDSM between a loving couple who share a common interest can be enjoyable and exciting.

Doms don't behave like this

Good advice.

AShowerOfBastardsTed · 13/05/2017 19:25

Run for the hills OP. Plenty of red flags from him.

3wishes · 13/05/2017 19:34

Completely agree with Mombie and Gently.

If you do decide to submit to him then you need to trust him completely. It's also important to discuss your boundaries and he should respect them and not go any further than you're willing to. A safe word is also important, so he stops whenever you want to.

Original poster
HesNotVanilla · 13/05/2017 22:19

I think allzwell is spot on to what's happening, he's definitely trying to make me think he's really interested etc

Certainly red flags. I'm playing with something I probably can't handle and definitely don't have the trust for with him. Haven't shared the backstory but that would have coloured judgements further and I wanted to know just based on this.

OP posts:
UpYerGansey · 14/05/2017 16:41

Totally agree that this is not the way a true Dom behaves.

He sounds like a pain in the arse.

scottishdiem · 14/05/2017 16:45

He is being a dick. Its one thing to say that there are things that there are things I like sexually in my relationships and if they are not for you then perhaps we should not go further and a completely other to be so self grandising as to think being with him is like playing with fire. I mean FFS how big a twat is he.

ImperialBlether · 14/05/2017 16:46

I think it sounds quite dangerous, in terms of how it'll affect your mental health. I think you need to get out of the situation and end all contact with him. You know he is messing with your mind - he wants things you don't want and those things will hurt you.

RebelRogue · 14/05/2017 16:51

Agree with PP's, run! He's basically telling you he will do whatever he wants and if you end up hurt it'll be your fault. He's playing mind games and paving the way for worse.

WifeyFish · 14/05/2017 18:00

Definitely agree with PPs, he sounds like someone playing at being a Dom rather than someone who knows much about D/s relationships...sadly there seem to be many about who seem to think being a Dom means making demands/getting their own way with very little thought for the wellbeing of their sub. This is not what BDSM is about.

tccat · 15/05/2017 06:50

For context, I'm with a Dom, we were together three months before anything sexual happened, perfect gentleman and treated me with respect and gentleness
Wanted to get to know me before anything happened , very little sexual talk

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