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Original poster

New BF & masturbation

35 replies

GlamourJade · 24/04/2017 20:16

I have a new BF and he's pretty good in bed, apart from one issue, which is a new one on me...

He doesn't seem to be able to cum from anything I do to him or with him. Not oral, penetration or me giving him a hand job.

He doesn't seem remotely bothered by this and, after a good old session together, he simply masturbates next to me to finish off. Takes but a few minutes.

Not quite sure what to do at that point though, other than lay next to him stroking his tummy. Seems odd not to be involved. :-/

OP posts:
TJDetweiler · 24/04/2017 20:25

If men masturbate a lot they can become accustomed to their way and it's almost impossible for someone else to replicate that. Could this be the case?

Iris65 · 24/04/2017 20:28

I've heard it called the death grip. Men have to retrain themselves as normal stimulation doesn't work.

Original poster
GlamourJade · 24/04/2017 20:31

Yes. He's been single for about a year. I think he has been wanking a lot (which I have absolutely no problem with).

OP posts:
Original poster
GlamourJade · 24/04/2017 20:32

How do you retrain them?!

OP posts:
PurplePen · 24/04/2017 20:33

Death grip.

Is he a porn hound?

He needs to simply stop wanking. Totally stop, until he recalibrates back to normal.

Original poster
GlamourJade · 24/04/2017 20:35

Ah. That could be tricky. We don't see each other often enough. Bit of a long distance relationship.

And yes, probably porn (few that don't!).

OP posts:
TJDetweiler · 24/04/2017 20:47

Him stopping for a week before he sees you should help.

Original poster
GlamourJade · 24/04/2017 20:49

We will have a chat... 😬

OP posts:
Original poster
GlamourJade · 24/04/2017 23:05

Ta Iris 👍

OP posts:
ordinaryman · 25/04/2017 10:46

Here we go again with the 'death grip' & 'porn addict' thing again.

Sorry to roll my eyes, but none of my male friends have ever experienced the 'death grip'. I don't know where that one started, but let me assure you most men are not 'death gripping' their penises for masturbation, anymore than women are 'death rubbing' their clits or 'death stuffing' their vaginas.

Porn? Maybe, but in my experience it increases the desire to have normal sexual relations with a woman, not act as though she were on a computer screen.

Let's remember the large proportion of women who say they don't orgasm from penetration, oral, or any other direct action of their partner.

My wife has always gotten herself off first manually (either finger or vibe), before moving-on to penetrative. In this I sympathise, as it does leave me feeling like a spare part, as she too doesn't appear to require any input on my part at that point and has even complained of my 'distracting' her if I try to assist.

My point being, it might just be 'his thing'. we're all different, male or female and it's not always helpful to stereotype the cause.

Original poster
GlamourJade · 25/04/2017 11:59

Helpful ordinaryman ta.

Yes I do feel a spare part.

Can you suggest an acceptable way of joining in? Or is it best to leave him to it?

In all other respects our sex life is very good.

OP posts:
ArthurScargillsgingerpube · 25/04/2017 12:45

cup his balls, rub his perenium, circle his bum hole, whisper dirty talk into his ear.

ordinaryman · 25/04/2017 12:46

Perhaps some encouraging naughty words, or maybe do a little DIY yourself, if you feel like it. But as with most conundrums in the bedroom, it's probably best to just ask him directly and see what he says he'd like.

Whether that works for you, is then of course entirely a matter for you. Personally, I found it very difficult to deal with, as any attempt by me to 'help' was rejected and any attempt to carry-on with my own pleasure was met with a kind of critical 'oh, you want to go first do you...' In other words, I was left neither being necessary to my wife's pleasure, nor permitted to pursue my own. Frankly, I felt like I need not be there at all, certainly didn't seem like an important source of stimuli for her and was then merely 'accomodated' when it came to 'my turn'.

I wanted the whole session to be interactive.

Original poster
GlamourJade · 25/04/2017 13:30

Ordinary that sounds difficult to deal with :(

I'll see what happens next time. He wasn't terribly keen on talking about it before. Think he's embarrassed.

I'll attempt the joining in thing and see how that goes.

OP posts:
ordinaryman · 25/04/2017 13:49

Good luck - hope it works out :)

SquirrelSquad · 25/04/2017 18:53

How long have you been together? If it's a fairly new relationship, could it be performance anxiety?

Original poster
GlamourJade · 25/04/2017 20:00

Not long - a couple of months, so yes, possibly.

OP posts:
AnotherRandomMale · 25/04/2017 20:56

It could be performance anxiety medication. Some men do use drugs that make it easier to get and keep an erection to overcome performance anxiety in new relationships. An unexpexted previous issue could lead to a mental block. The ability to get and keep an erection is often entirely psychological and nothing to do with wanting to.

Viagra etc... can make it difficult to finish without doing it yourself - you'll find plenty if you google this, it is well known! Not something I experienced when I tried it but it took a lot of concentration to get there.

I'm not saying this is the cause, just a possibility based on what you describe... in which case I guess it is probably just a short term phase whilst he gets comfortable with you and gets past it.

Changing position or rhythm unless you want to doesnt help if you are struggling to finish as a guy (yes I know that applies to women too Smile). If hes going a long time, try using a position where he picks the pace, and that is relaxed and comfortable for you both to maintain for a long time such as sitting on the edge of a bed/sofa with him kneeling on the floor. If you can orgasm through pentrative sex or get there through stimulation after he has been going a little while, it will intensify stimulation for him and may also help.

Ultimately if he puts pressure on himself because he thinks you're frustrated / not into it that really won't help so try to be mindful of that.

The other possibility is condoms if you're using them. I really struggle to finish wearing one. I just would not enjoy casual safe sex for this reason. When my OH wanted a break from the pill, using condoms really hit our sex life.

nickyso · 26/04/2017 07:13

I don't believe the death grip either, one previous partner was on their own for 18 months and masturbated every night I'm told, no issues with cuming at all other ways, I think it's an urban myth. I suspect Jade he may have other issues (not with you)

TheNaze73 · 26/04/2017 20:25

I think it's other issues

Moussemoose · 26/04/2017 20:32

Everyone's different. Women don't always orgasm. Fgs don't make him self-conscious. It is what it is. Work out how you have sex as a couple rather than comparing your sex to previous relationships and expectations.

DevilMakesWork · 26/04/2017 22:54

You're with a guy who never ejaculates no matter how long he has sex for? Some women here will say you've found a dream man!

Original poster
GlamourJade · 26/04/2017 23:08

Yes Devil
No spitting required!
Ha Ha!

Really happy with him. Just found it unusual and wasn't sure what to do when he finishes off.

OP posts:
DevilMakesWork · 26/04/2017 23:18

Who gets bored / sore first, you or him haha

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