How to orgasm?

[Quarterfinalist]

Name change for obvious reasons. I've never had an orgasm I've tried everything alone, including a rabbit, bullet etc. I have a wonderful DH and we have a great loving, exciting sex life. DH has always been supportive and would like me to be able to have an orgasm to maximise my enjoyment of sex. There is always plenty of foreplay, oral etc he is very thoughtful and pays attention to what works for me.
I get aroused but nothing more than that. I get more aroused from sex than I do masturbation - which does little for me and I quickly get bored! Is my problem psychological or physical?? I'm early 40s - is it too late? I'd really appreciate any advice.

---

If you've found this page in your search of the best sex toys that can help you achieve orgasm and have been recommended by fellow Mumsnet users, you might find our guide to the best sex toys for women useful. Hope this helps! MNHQ

I have no advice but would like some - I can manage it alone but I've never ever had one with a partner and like you I've tried allsorts!

Have you been able to establish what sort of stimulation most arouses you - ie. vaginal, or clitoral? If you are focusing on a less sensitive area, that might be making it more difficult to climax.

If you are concentrating too hard on trying to orgasm, that might be counter-productive - you need to be relaxed, and to be able to let your mind wander, possibly into the territory of fantasy.

If you are becoming aroused, I can't imagine why the problem would be physical unless you have gynae problems that make sex painful (imagine you would have mentioned this if so). Early 40s is certainly not too old to have an orgasm!

Thanks some random. Clitoral stimulation arouses me most - it takes ages though, about 45 mins... No gynae problems or any other issues. I have tried fantasy. I suppose I do find it difficult to relax mentally.

45 minutes doesn't actually sound excessive, if you're starting from a position of complete non-arousal. Have you tried building some tension/excitement through fantasy/erotic talking or similar before beginning physical contact (either alone or with your partner) - perhaps in a relaxing setting such as a warm bath, so you can wind down mentally as well?

It does sound as though mental relaxation might be the main barrier, but if you can begin physical stimulation from a position of being aroused, it's more likely to build to climax levels before you start to get bored or numb.

Have you tried a glass of wine before to help you relax?

You need one of these. Seriously. I adore mine and have recommended it to several friends who have all reported brilliant orgasms in less than 5 minutes.

Yes yes to the womanizer. It really is amazing. And I think if you used alone or alongside your partner it would help you understand the feelings and build up to orgasm.

It's tempting as you get aroused to start holding your breath a bit but make sure you keep breathing. Oxygen = blood flow and you want plenty of that.

Psychological. You have a mental distraction somewhere. Are you frightened of letting go? inhibited? A sex therapist could help you.

Are you on any medication?

Thank you for your responses. I'm not on any medication and have no history of any bad sexual experience. When I say I get aroused, it feels nice, but I've never got to the point of it affecting my breathe. I've also never experienced the 'tension' I've heard mentioned. Wine helps me relax . We do experiment a bit so I don't think I'm inhibited but my husband agrees that I can't seem to 'let go'. How on earth would I find a good sex therapist?

Depends where you live

Central south coast. I'm just worried about anything dodgy Is there a particular qualification I should search by?

Try BACP to see if there are specialists in your area. You can google BACP.

Thanks noego. Much appreciated.

Relate could have some psychosexual counsellors working for them or could refer you?

Slightly weird one but my friend swears by an electric toothbrush on lowest setting directly on her clitoris. At best you may get the big O and and worst a very clean vag! 🤣

A minty clean Vag!

Buy a hitachi wand or equivalent and relax. Deep breaths and enjoy

Clitoral hood piercing. Still not super-quick to climax, but more likely to happen than not now. Huge improvement.

Try a we-vibe, absolutely brilliant. Can't recommend it highly enough.

Thanks folks. I balked at clitoral hood piercing though. Maybe I am inhibited after all

Get one of these:

www.lovehoney.co.uk/product.cfm?p=28657

But send the neighbours out for the day and put a lot of towels down.
Also have paramedics on standby for the first time.
And try not to let it take over your life completely.

Have you tried watching porn?