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Original poster

How can a marriage survive when sex is awful/non-existent?

39 replies

PurbeckBreezer · 23/03/2017 18:58

Been with DH over 20 years, I was his first ever partner even though he was around 30 when we met. I'm a bit younger and have had a few partners - couple of LTR and a handful of flings.

Sex was never very good. At the start my heart sank when I realised how inexperienced he was but it was outweighed by other things. Over the years it's gone from OK at times to average to now, non-existent. I know he'd still be up for it but I just can't bring myself to bother because it's so frustratingly unsatisfying and unimaginative.

I have tried to explain what I'd like several times but it's so unsexy having to spell it out and he never seems to get it anyway. I find it all a massive turn off and also feel it should be fairly obvious to him that I'm not getting any fun. I'm desperate for a bit more excitement/variety but tbh I can no longer imagine this being with him. I still find him attractive but not really in a sexual way any more I don't think.

There are other issues in our marriage but this is one I really can't see any way round. It would be so awkward and hurtful to discuss it and anyway I think we've gone past that point now, it should have been sorted out years ago - I know that's partly my fault but as with so many things in our life he's content to just plod along never addressing anything or making an effort to sort out problems unless I raise them first.

Is there any way back from this?

OP posts:
NotTheFordType · 23/03/2017 19:01

Would opening the marriage be a possibility?

MummyBearToOne1988 · 23/03/2017 19:02

Have you tried spicing things up yourself? Rather than just spelling it out? Even simple things like dressing up? Hotels away? Getting in the shower and surprising him?

TreeTop7 · 23/03/2017 19:07

You sound utterly fed-up and disengaged. I think that there is more to your marriage problems, as you infer. It's not one of those "great apart from sex" type relationships (which can work ok) but a generally failing one. Counselling could help, perhaps.

SaltySeaDog72 · 23/03/2017 19:10

Agree with TreeTop it sounds to me like there is more going on than 'just' bad/no sex. You sound really fed up.

OneMoreForExtra · 23/03/2017 19:11

No solutions here Purbeck but I'm in an identical position. I'm actually so glad to see how you've expressed this as it's helped me pin down some endless circular thoughts. I know the normal advice would be to talk it through, but having tried to indicate what I would like without real change I don't think this is going to work, and it's fantastically dispiriting for both of us to keep going there. It's as though sex gets reduced to a colouring by numbers approach and loses all its connection and expression dimensions. My DH has some spectrumy traits, which I think are relevant here, he would very much like to please me but has no idea how, even when I tell him, because of the headology involved. It's like trying to tell a blind person how to paint.

standingupforitanywhere · 23/03/2017 19:30

Me too. Very similar story. So frustrating. DH has decided I 'just don't like that sort of thing' after years of ignoring what I suggest. It's like my body is an object for him to play with.

Oh well. I just resign myself to a sexless marriage.

MummyBearToOne1988 · 23/03/2017 19:57

Awww your posts make me sad. DP is not adventurous by any means but it's still good and a few times a week. I crave adventure but he doesn't. But if I take the lead (especially after a few wines) he will join in. I personally think sex is very important. When we have sex we are so much closer the next few days. Do you still have the intimacy outside of sex... e.g. cuddles and kisses, randomly I mean not goodbye before work?

Original poster
PurbeckBreezer · 23/03/2017 20:11

We're fairly affectionate but I'm even shying away from that now as I feel like it's leading him on which would be fine for him but another giant let-down for me.

I know I should try to just take the lead - dress up, text him sexy stuff or whatever - but I just can't bring myself to because while he'd be delighted and would go along with it, the sex that followed would be as predictable as ever.

Don't want to be too graphic but he just doesn't do the basics to make sure I'm OK, the only way I get any pleasure is to be really turned on and use my imagination to get me past his inept fumbling - sorry that sounds awful but I have literally said 'please do x' in the past to no avail, even though I found it mortifying to have to be so specific. I'm not talking about anything unusual either, just normal stuff.

As I said there are other issues but I think we could work on those. This is beginning to feel like a deal breaker though :(.

OP posts:
Original poster
PurbeckBreezer · 23/03/2017 20:13

Actually when I say we're affectionate we hug a fair bit but rarely kiss - haven't snogged him in years and don't find the idea appealing at all even though he's perfectly pleasant, hygienic etc.

OP posts:
MerryRealisation · 23/03/2017 20:24

I sympathise OP. I'm in exactly the same position but probably a bit further down the road. Due to that I can say that I don't think it can work as I'm planning an exit strategy. We are like flat mates but with added stresses as that's not what it should be. I was very sad at the beginning of this year but more signed now.

GinSwigmore · 23/03/2017 20:28

That's a real shame. Most partners can be taught and inexperienced men are usually really keen to learn: but leaving it two decades to do it might come as a shock. If you really can't vocalise/show or guide your partner as to what you want "not that, like this" with your hand over his, then maybe a few sessions with a sex therapist.
You presumably know what you like/how you like it so if you cannot communicate that (with someone who has presumably seen you in most scenarios by now) then a therapist could aid communication if your partner would be willing to try.
The "dry spell" scenario I do know about (after giving birth). If there is no trauma to deal with then it really is the case of putting aside time/initiating intimacy even if not initially in the mood and seeing where it takes you: so not putting yourself under pressure but not taking it off the table. Libido then can come back in terms of the more you do it, the more you want to (provided it was good in the first place: if not, then you have to work on what would work for you first, before you even get to anything penetrative).

standingupforitanywhere · 23/03/2017 20:30

My DH still does things when I've said 'not like that'. Not in a nasty way, just in a carried away way. And inept fumbling is the word. You have to disappear into your own head to stay at all 'in the zone'.

I've decided this is it. I'll go without, I don't want the disruption. He'd be devestated, and I don't see any guaranteed alternative. So this is it.

wowbutter · 23/03/2017 20:31

My DH was a virgin, and I bought sex toys and showed him how to sue them and how I used them.
Could you try that?

GinSwigmore · 23/03/2017 20:34

Did you never teach him how you wanted to be kissed OP? I would have started with that (God maybe I'm a just a bossy cah. More tongue/less tongue etc). What can he do? Has he any decent skills like massage for example? Can you share fantasies? Literotica has every type of story going. Good luck.

anametouse · 23/03/2017 20:40

I know this sounds awful but I think you have to tell him. If you're even considering leaving for this then just spell it out. To be honest, I'm a bit angry with him as it sounds like you've tried before and he hasn't listened. This time he needs to know that he needs to listen.

Original poster
PurbeckBreezer · 23/03/2017 21:30

I just don't know where to start. I suppose a therapist would be an answer but that is the most unerotic idea I can think of. I know it's not his fault he's inexperienced but you'd have thought he'd have noticed things aren't great in that area and tried to do something about it himself - all the suggestions are for what I should do (although I appreciate that's because it's me who's posting.

OP posts:
Original poster
PurbeckBreezer · 23/03/2017 21:31

And yes we could buy sex toys, share fantasies etc - I'm just not sure I want to any more :(.

OP posts:
LellyMcKelly · 23/03/2017 21:40

It is his fault he's inexperienced. He's had 20 years to learn! Do you still want sex, or just not with him?

Believeitornot · 23/03/2017 21:43

Why did you put up with it in the first place for so long?

Believeitornot · 23/03/2017 21:44

Just trying to work out if you fancied him originally and maybe you just don't anymore and that's the real issue?

Original poster
PurbeckBreezer · 23/03/2017 21:51

I don't ever think I really fancied him, there were never fireworks or a time when I thought 'phwoar'. He's actually got more physically attractive as he's got older but while I think he looks OK I just don't feel anything else.

We met when I was in a pretty crap place and he won me over with friendship, kindness and security. He's been a good Dad and a reliable husband but that side of things has only ever been OK at best - we've had a few passionate moments but never anything earth-shattering or so much as a change of position Confused. I think now I've finally realised that I want more.

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Original poster
PurbeckBreezer · 23/03/2017 21:52

I most definitely do still want sex Blush.

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lampshady · 23/03/2017 21:54

What about it is unfulfilling? I'm not asking for details! But if you think about technique, positions, speed, setting, build up etc can you pin point it or is it a combination?

If he hasn't picked up its unsatisfying by now I'd be inclined to think he was lazy.

Hacpac · 23/03/2017 22:05

After 20 years it isn't going to get better now so it's either accept it or don't.

Original poster
PurbeckBreezer · 23/03/2017 22:07

He's just really really good at burying his head in the sand - he does it about all the issues in our marriage Confused.

My main issue (sorry bit graphic - should be in Sex topic) is that I tend to come manually but the way he does it is too rough - he kind of moves his whole arm when in fact all it needs is a very gentle single finger - sorry, way tmi Blush. I have told him this as many times as I feel able, tried moving his hand but he still goes at it like he's trying to get a stain off the kitchen worktop or something.

Lack of initiative and interest is the other thing - he'd never think to suggest a different position or try something new and the one time (many years ago) that I got a bit carried away and talked dirty he asked me not to which made me feel ridiculous and also pissed off as I find that quite a turn-on.

OP posts:

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