How can a marriage survive when sex is awful/non-existent?

[PurbeckBreezer]

Been with DH over 20 years, I was his first ever partner even though he was around 30 when we met. I'm a bit younger and have had a few partners - couple of LTR and a handful of flings.

Sex was never very good. At the start my heart sank when I realised how inexperienced he was but it was outweighed by other things. Over the years it's gone from OK at times to average to now, non-existent. I know he'd still be up for it but I just can't bring myself to bother because it's so frustratingly unsatisfying and unimaginative.

I have tried to explain what I'd like several times but it's so unsexy having to spell it out and he never seems to get it anyway. I find it all a massive turn off and also feel it should be fairly obvious to him that I'm not getting any fun. I'm desperate for a bit more excitement/variety but tbh I can no longer imagine this being with him. I still find him attractive but not really in a sexual way any more I don't think.

There are other issues in our marriage but this is one I really can't see any way round. It would be so awkward and hurtful to discuss it and anyway I think we've gone past that point now, it should have been sorted out years ago - I know that's partly my fault but as with so many things in our life he's content to just plod along never addressing anything or making an effort to sort out problems unless I raise them first.

Is there any way back from this?

Just asked for this to be moved to Sex topic - sorry it's got a bit more graphic than I'd intended .

Is he watching porn? The whole arm thing is such a porn move. Ouch. That would really fuck me off, especially if you've given guidance. Sounds like he doesn't really care about what you want.

Oh Purbeck i feel your frustration! We literally have a discussion about who's going on top every bloody time. So boring and predictable. Sorry no advice but following with interest.

Does he genuinely fancy you, or does he like the idea of marriage and the benefits that come with that? The reason I'm asking is because my ex sounds like him, and our sex life was like yours. He was also inexperienced when we started dating at 26. He has recently come out as gay and I think he tried to suppress it for years. I'm not saying your husband is gay, but mine just didn't seem to be able to 'learn' what worked, and he's a smart guy.

I think he does find me attractive - God knows why, I don't feel it these days. He's just a very cautious tentative person - I'm sure if I suggested something new or took the lead he'd probably go for it (as long as it wasn't too 'dirty' - see above ) but I am tired of being the one who makes all the moves in and out of bed. I'm pretty sure he'd like more sex but doesn't try because he can tell I don't want to but instead of addressing that he just does nothing - I'm so frustrated, in more ways than one!

Is he generally a bit physically awkward? Dislikes new things, prefers routine?
I once tried to rock our world a little and managed to build some 'oomph' and pace into the proceedings. We actually got a sweat on and finished while I was still interested rather than bored senseless.
He was disappointed.

It just doesn't sound at all right. Is there bigger issues going on behind the scenes?

Money & sex are the cause of the majority relationship breakdowns in the U.K.

It sounds like you don't fancy him anymore? You don't snog him, sex is boring or non existent, sounds like my marriage towards the end . It took me a while to realise I no longer fancied dh, we rarely had sex and when we did it was over quite quickly and felt like a choir. Eventually we had the chat and he moved out. I have now redescovered sex and it's quite enjoyable.

Some people are just not very adventurous or naturally sexy are they? You are not going to change him after 20 years.

As for the inexperience, it's not about the number of partners surely. He's had 20 years practice! I am sure there are plenty of people in relationships/marriages where they got together young and enjoy a healthy sex life. You can have wonderful sex with your first partner.

Hmm. Having had my fair share of sexual partners, I think men tend to have their little "routine" that they stick to. It's unusual for them to throw in a curve ball you've never seen before (unless they are cheating and have picked up something new from OW). If you really fancy him, this doesn't matter so much, as the fact it's him is enough to turn you on. If you have stopped fancying him, well, that's a different story. I've been with men that are very inventive in the bedroom, but because I'm not that in to them, they've failed to hit the spot, and men who I have adored who with very little effort have had me soaring. Sorry, probably no help whatsoever!

It's because you've attempted to tell him/guide him before that makes me feel that doing so again isn't going to work. He's had a very long time to become experienced in your body so that is not an excuse.
Some men just don't get it, unfortunately.

A few years back, I could have wrote a lot of what you have here. Similar issues with a seemingly disinterested partner (In fact I did on here under different user names. Both as I was going through it and afterwards)
He was younger than me, had a fair amount of previous partners but imo was far from 'experienced'. At first I didn't mind coaching/teaching him but after a while it got boring for me.
To cut a long story short, over a period of around 2 years. We argued about it. He was happy with our situation, I was not. He made me feel bad about wanting a sexual relationship and thought by telling me he loved me should be enough. I all but begged him to go and get some help, therapy, blood tests, anything. He wouldn't even consider it. I knew that would be the last time I asked him. In tears of frustration I even begged him to just admit that he did not find me remotely attractive any more, he said he couldn't say that as it wasn't true (You can see where I was going with this, I needed something to blame as he/it was messing with my mental state)
I began to lose interest myself, shunned his occasional offer of, in my view - a pity fuck/to keep my mouth shut After a few months I could feel myself slowly detaching from him, I closed down and no longer wanted any form of intimacy from him. We lived like brother and sister. Other parts of our relationship were once good but they had been ruined by the lack of intimacy and sexual contact that he was refusing to help fix.
I left him.
He has since apologised for what happened but it makes very little difference to me now.
I'm now with someone who makes me happy in every way. He totally gets me, understands and is interested in my body and also why sex in a relationship is very important.

I have read all your comments and the strong feeling I get is that you're saying your marriage is over.
It's not just the sex , it's the whole relationship that's unsatisfying. You can not see how changing anything will make a difference and the way you write I'm interpreting it as you don't want to rectify it if you could as it's gone past that point.
I think you need to start thinking about what needs to happen now. You probably need to end the relationship and move forward in your lives separately.
It's better to be honest with yourself than spend your life miserable. I expect he's not happy either but we often get caught in the better the devil we know scenario.

You get weekend sex workshops 1 -1 with councillor type person. What about going to something like that. Helps teach you to be erotic etc.

If your partner is/may be ASD this is an all too common tale. Maxine Aston estimated that something like 50% of ASD/NT relationships become sexless within 2, yes 2, years.

Please get yourself to help with a counsellor who understands ASD. It won't get better otherwise. It may not even so.