Sex questions for your consideration! Is every 3 weeks so bad?

[chickenlickencluck]

I am posting in the hope that somebody out there might have some wise words.

DH and I have been together for 6 years. We have a 3 year old DD.

When we first got together we had RAMPANT and brilliant sex. That probably lasted for the first couple of years. Then I was pregnant, and since giving birth I want less sex, and also I don't enjoy my boobs being touched any more, and I am nervous about him going down on me (although I enjoy it once we get in to the swing of it).

I would like sex, ideally, about once every 3 weeks. DH would like it every few days. We compromise and have it usually once a week.

However, DH also now feels that the quality of the sex is not as good as it used to be. He misses the intensity of our sex before, and the way I used to react to him, and the nature of our relationship and the way we touch and behave around each other.

My feeling is that relationships change over the years and it's not reasonable to expect ours to stay the same forever - however great it was. Different doesn't mean worse or lacking in anything.

He says there is no reason relationships have to change.

I don't think to want less sex when you have small DC; maybe that will change further down the line when my life isn't quite so busy and domesticated and when I have a bit more time for myself.

However, the difference between our sex drives, and his feelings of grief for the way our relationship once was (certainly the most lovestruck I have ever been; he's the same) are now threatening to break up our marriage.

We are both going to go to counselling - together and separately I think.

Just wondered if anybody has any suggestions as to how we can deal with this. We love each other and want this to work - but atm I feel pretty pessimistic about the prospects.

Is once every 3 weeks so bad?

It was around once a month or less between my exH and me. Now with new BF it can be twice a day but think 2-3 times a week is probably more realistic in longer term.

Thanks Lilac, enjoy!

We have two under3.5 and work full time - once a week here.

But think we are both OK with that.

It isnt enough really but the past few years have been so busy

If you had more energy/opportunity etc, would you want to have sex more? Do you still find him sexually attractive?

I do fancy him Peppatax, but tbh I find the constant going on about it (i.e. the lack of quality and quantity of sex) a real turn off.

I just can't see how we will ever be able to get past this

wonder woman - do you really not think once a week is enough?

Sorry wonder woman that sounded cheeky, what I meant was that sounds pretty fair given your commitments. But maybe you are saying you would like to have it more regularly.

Well it depends, if he was to back off and not mention it, would you be pleased/notice or would you initiate it with him?

That's probably where his worry is coming from, that if he 'lets it go' it will be gone for good.

Counselling will be helpful but only if you both want to compromise.

There's no right or wrong here. Once a week, wouldn't work for a lot of people, let alone every 3 weeks. Some however, would be cool with it.

IMO, once every three weeks is fine if you're both happy with it. It's when one of you isn't there's a problem. After years of being together/married, it's bound to get a bit monotonous. Try changing your routines? Be nicer to each other so you want it more but try together to make it more exciting, be more creative and carve out some you time. Really invest in each other it's so important.

Thanks for your replies.

FAOD I do think once every 3 weeks is too much to expect him to accommodate, which is why we compromised on the once a week arrangement. But that is proving not to be enough either.

Peppa if he didn't initiate anything I would probably make my move after about 3 weeks of no sex.

You've talked about life being domesticated and you not having much time for yourself. Is it that your life has changed more than his, through being a parent? Is he doing enough at home?

Muffin my life has changed more than his. He doesn't do a huge amount around the house because he works FT and I work PT. Although even taking that in to account he could probably do more.

He works away most of the week, although that is about to change, and I work PT so juggle that with looking after DD. Maybe it will help for him to be at home more and for us to be more of a family...

If he's away most of the week then more than once a week doesn't even sound possible!

How about other activities not intercourse? So he can feel desired but you don't have to go along with sex you don't want. And I don't mean constant blow jobs.

With LO around he's going to have to come up with some concrete solutions as to exactly how and when this intense amazing sex is going to take place - the kind of intensity that's enjoyed at the beginning of a relationship requires a clear mind free of any stress, distractions or worry of being walked in on! Never mind the sheer length of time required - hours, not a few snatched minutes. Does he understand that? What's his solution for how you can both find this magical stressless sexy time together?

Thanks cat. I'm pretty sure he doesn't have those suggestions! We can get the odd weekend away if my DM and DF Have DD, but they live a distance away and fm works ft so that isn't an every sat night option.

Even if we get time away I'm not sure how we can wind the clock back 5 years tbh.

It would be too little for me, by far, but it's all personal and your wants matter too.

Three or four times a week would be my minimum but circumstances mean it's usually once or twice when DP or I are away with work all week.

With regards to the relationship in general; different doesn't have to mean worse but it sounds like it does mean worse to him? So I'd be talking to him about how he can help you get that spark back, presuming you want the spark back. He can't just say he needs it back and leave it all to you to deal with and I suspect the sex problem may become more focused when he's home more.

My suggestion would be to think about and agree on one of those things at once. I'd suggest starting with "quality" first and then see if you can change the "quantity". It would feel daunting to be told all the time that neither was good enough, and I think that's totally unfair.

I'd recommend doing one thing -- once you start a run of less than 10 times a year things get more difficult to recover from.

Anchor- the spark is still there, just not as often as it once was! And I guess not as bright - in dh's eyes anyway. So if you would like sex 3-4 times a week but only get it 1-2, what do you feel like as a result? Would you leave over it?

Devonshire - yes I keep hearing about the definition of a sexless marriage being sex less than 10 times a year. We do it way more than that- pretty sure divorce would be on the cards otherwise. The main problem is the more DH complains, the less confident I feel ( not a problem I have ever had before!) and the less horny I feel, which then makes him super grumpy man, and so it goes on.

You need to break the cycle... of him moaning and you being grumpy as a result. This means that he needs to find ways to help make time for you both to have some quality time together. i.e help take some of the domestic chores off your shoulders. You need to be more accommodating to his requests for more intimate time like the "good old days" and if there is less domestic pressure then this could happen.
If you both want to make this work then you both have to give a little..... of course it's unlikely to be exactly the way it was in the past before DD but you can go some way to achieving a greater satisfaction for you both.
As an alternative to sex when you're not feeling the mood you could relieve his frustrations manually.... maybe that will put a smile on his face....

Sorry but I'd find the comments about poor quality sex a real turn off!! I would not like feeling under pressure to perform!

I have been with DH for 16 years and we have 3 DC. We have had a few dry spells, but have got over them, weekends away help plus him pulling his weight around the house.

Thanks both. I'm not sure I want our relationship to be like it was 5 years ago. I felt insecure and he was in a much stronger position than me. It was the best of times and also the worst of times.

I am happy to have an equal, comfortable and responsible grown up relationship without huge dramas, stress etc. I'm not sure he wants that tho.

I am happy to accommodate sex more than I want it, but I'm not sure I feel like there is anything wrong with me. I have a pretty low sex drive. He has a fairly high sex drive. I thought the compromise was fair to both of us.

But I am totally pissed off about the latest complaint. To hear him you would think I'm a cold hearted bitch who never throws him a word of affection! I just don't recognise that characterisation of our relationship. We have hugs daily, snuggles at bed time if we are speaking to each other but sex isn't on the cards, we kiss each other hello and goodbye, we lie on the sofa together, we spoon going to sleep. All of that unless he's in a huff.

Me and DH have 2 DDs under 2, been together just over 3 years. We tend to have sex once every 2 weeks at the moment, sometimes more often but never less.
DH would like it more often but he knows I'm under a lot of pressure at work and we're both constantly knackered. We do lots of other things to feel intimacy, a romantic meal at home once the DDs are in bed, or DH will rub my back and shoulders or snuggle up and watch a film.
Do you still feel close to your DH? I think if the closeness of your relationship has gone you may be in trouble I'm afraid to say

Surely if he wants more sex then he needs to help round the house more?

Sex is just one aspect of a relationship - if you don't feel respected or supported then you are not going to feel sexy.

Tell him he needs to quit whinging and get active - doing his equal share of housework and childcare will relax you and make you happier, then guess what ? You'll be up for it.

If he doesn't make changes and continues to complain the you know he'a just being a git and is trying to hurt you (for whatever reason)

mmm - I suspect OP that he might want to feel desired and wanted - not just 'accommodated' - and you are interpreting his disappointment as saying that there is something 'wrong' with you.
Also OP - I've posted this on a couple of similar threads ...which may help explain the 'if we're speaking' if he's not in a huff aspects?
m.youtube.com/watch?v=tSs2dXDf1Zs

Well the complaining and pressure is hardly a turn on is it? If he wants more sex, maybe he needs to try to seduce you, rather than acting like a spoilt child who is not getting his sweeties.
TBH I don't think number of times a week/month is relevant. Quality, not quantity is important. Sex between 2 people is not the same thing as masturbation. It's not there to scratch an itch, it should be born of passion and intimacy, not just the need to come.
In my experience, the very worst thing about marriage was the obligation to have sex (and I have a fairly good sex drive). I can't do sex on demand. No one should have to have sex they don't want just to keep the peace.