Sex questions for your consideration! Is every 3 weeks so bad?

[chickenlickencluck]

I am posting in the hope that somebody out there might have some wise words.

DH and I have been together for 6 years. We have a 3 year old DD.

When we first got together we had RAMPANT and brilliant sex. That probably lasted for the first couple of years. Then I was pregnant, and since giving birth I want less sex, and also I don't enjoy my boobs being touched any more, and I am nervous about him going down on me (although I enjoy it once we get in to the swing of it).

I would like sex, ideally, about once every 3 weeks. DH would like it every few days. We compromise and have it usually once a week.

However, DH also now feels that the quality of the sex is not as good as it used to be. He misses the intensity of our sex before, and the way I used to react to him, and the nature of our relationship and the way we touch and behave around each other.

My feeling is that relationships change over the years and it's not reasonable to expect ours to stay the same forever - however great it was. Different doesn't mean worse or lacking in anything.

He says there is no reason relationships have to change.

I don't think to want less sex when you have small DC; maybe that will change further down the line when my life isn't quite so busy and domesticated and when I have a bit more time for myself.

However, the difference between our sex drives, and his feelings of grief for the way our relationship once was (certainly the most lovestruck I have ever been; he's the same) are now threatening to break up our marriage.

We are both going to go to counselling - together and separately I think.

Just wondered if anybody has any suggestions as to how we can deal with this. We love each other and want this to work - but atm I feel pretty pessimistic about the prospects.

Is once every 3 weeks so bad?

Although wouldn't you say IfNotNowThenWhenever that the asking and sense of obligation just make it worse, rather than create the problem? I agree that no one should be or feel obliged to have sex with another person. And of course it's not about scratching an itch - although often the low libido partner views it as that and the high libido partner might even express it in those terms. It's about desire and intimacy - but they are important factors in a relationship and their absence causes pain on both sides. That's why OP is here I guess, because the situation is painful for her too.
And every three weeks isn't so bad OP - if it's genuine. But would it be fair to say you don't sound particularly passionate about it OP? Is that part of your question? Quality as much as frequency? I'd say fabulous wonderful passionate sex every 20 days or so is different to scratching an itch each time? So it's as much about quality, closeness and intimacy if you see what I mean.

God, yeah. That's the thing, the nagging and feeling like you ought to is just a total passion killer.
I would rather have exciting, passionate sex once a month that boring unsatisfying obligatory sex 4 times a week, and I can't understand anyone who wouldn't (maybe I'm not married for a reason..!)
I can understand why the DH is sad about the decline in rampantness, and I agree with him that it's not inevitable, but he needs to stop making it feel like a chore.
Foreplay for a woman takes place for the most part in her mind imho,and starts long before you even get near the bedroom. You need to feel like a sexual being again, not just a knackered mum and harassed wife.

Hmm. Once every 3 weeks, seems really shit to me. I feel like I want to punch a wall if we have to go longer than ten days (shifts). I'd rather have a quickie every other day, than have to wait 3 weeks for a long session. But maybe that's me? I'm not in to long drawn out sex, I like to make it passionate and fast.

Hi OP. I'm in a very similar position to you. DH is often quite grumpy about it lack of sex and it does my head in. Like you, it's every 2-3 weeks. I can't relax unless kids are out of the house and they go to grandparents every 2-3 weekends for a night. I don't have any wise words for you other than i feel your pain. I know that every few weeks I'm going to get a fed up husband on my case. I should feel grateful that he still find me desirable after so long together but i find it draining and it's putting a strain on our relationship. I know loads of people whose sex life is similar or less frequent but he seems to have the idea that all other couples are at it like bunnies. He wants to put a lock on the bedroom door to see if that helps me relax more but i don't think it will and will seem quite a cold things to do as far as DC are concerned. He also does little to assist round the house but he doesn't seem to think that this should have any bearing on whether i feel like sex or not. I just have a low sex drive though and am happy with the level it's at.

@Dadaist

Thanks for that link - that's a great video, which sums-up the problem exactly.