Struggling to have sex after having a baby

[TheChineseChicken]

I had a baby via c section 8 months ago and since then have only successfully had sex with my partner twice. There are two problems: I have no sex drive and it rarely crosses my mind (plus we are juggling the usual time demands of parenthood); when we do try to have sex I am so tense that it is excruciating.

I feel a bit torn about this. With my lack of sex drive, it doesn't really bother me not to be doing it. However I know that it is an important part of a relationship and I know that my partner wants it.

Has anyone else experienced this and what did you do about it? I looked into counselling but it's extremely expensive.

I found once I stopped breastfeeding it started to come back. I also found the pill made my labido drop massively as well.

Are you knackered all the time? How's your marriage otherwise?

Do you get time for just the two of you at all?

I had no sex drive for longer than that. It's perfectly normal to go off sex when you have children. You're constantly shattered, your priorities have completely changed and your hormones are all over the place. That added to the discomfort, it's really not surprising you're not interested.

If you feel like a bit of cuddling and petting, give that a go. You don't have to go for the full act. If not, just leave it for now. Explain to your partner how you're feeling, so he doesn't feel rejected. He can always have a walk in the bathroom.

Relate charge according to need, so counselling from them might be affordable.

I did wonder about breastfeeding as DD still feeds frequently. I'm not completely exhausted as her sleeping is ok but tired enough from childcare that when I do get downtime, sex is the last thing on my mind! I genuinely completely forget about it.

Marriage is good. We've never had an amazing sex life (compared with other relationships) but that's ok. I have had libido problems in the past but never this bad. We get time alone but it's often just in front of the tv in the evening with the odd meal out alone if we have a babysitter.

I found sex really hard after my c section, it only got better after I really cut down breastfeeding after my daughter was a year. We just did other stuff as penetrative sex was just too painful.

Thanks Juvenile it's good to know others have felt the same. Luckily my partner is very understanding so I don't feel any pressure from him. It's not just full sex though, I don't feel like doing anything sexual and often don't even want to cuddle etc. After caring for a baby all day I just feel like I want my own space.

Maybe I'll contact Relate to see what they would suggest.

I think lots of small acts of affection and petting are a good start. Don't force yourself to have sex to keep the peace, just talk about how you feel so he understands.

Then when you're both ready try and have enough time for foreplay beforehand and see how you go.

Do you think some lube would help? You said it was excruciating? Sometimes with hormones it is hard to have enough lubrication down there.

NerrSnerr did things just improve themselves after a year or did you have to work to get comfortable doing things again?

Dont we do use lube as I'm not really producing any myself but it doesn't seem to help. The anticipation of discomfort of course makes me tense even more so it's a vicious cycle

Google vaginismus - does it sound like that?

Yes things got much better gradually after a year. Pregnant again now so about to go through it all again!

Heaps and heaps of lube

Plenty of cuddles, kisses, neck massage etc

Feel good about yourself, I'm best fresh out of the shower with my teeth brushed. When I feel minging I can't get myself going at all

Yes, I would certainly describe it as that. I've had trouble with smear tests in the past so have a history of being a bit tense down below!

Congrats NerrSnerr, all the best

I know what you mean Mama, still in pyjamas when the baby is napping probably isn't the best time

Oh no that's so hard.

I've used one called liquid silk and it's really good. I think you'll need to build up to it gradually and stick with cuddles, kissing and petting for now. As being so worried it'll hurt you tense up will take time to get over.

Was there any injuries during birth? You said it was a c section does the scar hurt? Did they need to assist vaginally and it's healed badly? Could a gp visit help at all?

I think maybe Relate might be a good option in the future, they may have some really good suggestions. As long as you keep talking to him he'll understand. If he didn't he'd be a prize arsehole.

The Chinese chicken, I think you are me. My dd is nearly 8 months and o could have written your first post and subsequent ones word for word except we haven't even had one successful 'go'.

No issues at birth - it was a planned section. Scar has healed well although recovery was quite slow. Everything is fine now though.

My partner is far from an arsehole, luckily. He has been doing his own research and suggesting things that could help me. I just told him that I started a thread on here and had some good advice.

Thanks for the messages. It's made me feel so much better to hear that others have had the same experience and it's not just me.

seven sorry to hear you are suffering as well. Do you have any sexual contact with your partner? Is he understanding about it? It's horrible to have this to worry about on top of the day to day stresses of looking after a baby.

Also, if it makes you feel any better, when I say successful I don't necessarily mean enjoyable.

He sounds so lovely.

Would mutual masturbation be an option for now? Making each other feel good but without penetrative sex but lots of lube.

It's difficult to have the energy or time with young DCs. And you must be so tired but worth a try sometime when you feel up to it.

I think maybe avoiding penetration for a while to take the pressure off would be a good idea

We're not touchy feely kind of people. He's not put any pressure on me but also not tried to instigate things himself which I'd quite like him to. He's always been like that bloody annoying and I've told him to, but he's worried of rejection. He's never been a talker so it's been hard not being able to talk about it. I have tried and he just says things like 'it's fine'. Other than the whole sex thing we're in a really good place and if anything stronger since having dd.

I think it's a bit of a vicious circle. I keep thinking maybe I should just get a bit drunk and then it will 'work'. I hadn't heard about breastfeeding affecting libido etc. I also had a planned c-section but surely that's not relevant for this? Sorry you're going through this too chicken. I've not told anyone in real life as it's embarrassing!

I'm not very touchy feely either but my husband is more physically affectionate so I always worry I am hurting his feelings. Like you, our marriage is great but I read posts on MN and elsewhere that suggest you should be having lots of great sex and that your relationship isn't valid without it.

I also haven't spoken to anyone about it in real life.

Getting drunk might work but it doesn't feel like the ideal solution does it?

We are definitely the same person but have slightly different husbands. No, getting drunk isn't ideal but I have a weird hope that if we can do it once, even with alcohol, then that will psychologically help me as I'll know it's possible. I haven't got round to this definitely not master plan though!

What has your GP recommended?