Would you class sex as a favour?

[minion246]

My DP and I had sex this morning. He has just said you should be fine for another week now! So I answered so I should be a good girl now and he said well yes, I've just done you a favour and gave you sex. I don't class sex a favour!! Just because we had sex doesn't mean that I have to do things (ie get up and get him things or go to the shop for him etc) in return. What is everyone else's point of view?

I can't see how this could be abusive when he doesn't hurt me

I know it seems different but really it isn't. You say he isn't hurting you but every post you write my heart breaks for you. He is hurting you just in a different way.

He is making you earn his attention and his affection. That is not normal.
He is making you feel unattractive and inferior by openly telling you he wishes you were another woman.
He is making you feel like you don't deserve better than him.

Please get out of this relationship. You are struggling to see how far from normal this is because your last relationship was so bad it's skewed your perspective.

Please get out and seek some counselling or support from women's aid. There will be women who have been here who can help you and support you. They can recommend books and resources. This man is not good for your mental health. Please get away from him or things will get worse. No relationship should be like this just a year in. That gut that lead to you leaving before, listen to it.

So he makes you feel important simply by coming home? Where you cook the meal for the last 362 days of the year? Do you do all the housework as well?

We are only having one side of the story here though and yet everyone is advocating LTB.*

I rarely advocate Ltb but the op is very vulnerable and every post she makes more information about how shit he treats her comes out. If he loved her he would be doing his best to make her feel comfortable and secure. He would not be making her beg for crumbs of his affection and telling her she should earn it.

He works and I have children from my previous relationship so I do the housework etc. He put shelves up in the kitchen this weekend so he does do his bit

Strugglingstepdad, don't ever advocate couples counselling for someone who describes abusive behaviour. The OP needs to focus on herself, not him.

I'm sorry, I'm not willing to accept one side of a story so yes I will advocate it. How do we know it's not been exaggerated to make the DP look worse?

This is an open Internet forum where anyone can post anonymously. Therefore it's easier to make details sound better/worse.

It could be just an argument that's still hanging in the air. As WE have no real proof of anything I think it's fair to offer ALL options.

If you don't think you know enough, why are you advocating anything at all? It's the OPs thread, not the partner's. Therefore any advice needs to be for her, based on how she describes the situation. Stop minimising abusive behaviour.

stepdad

If you're not willing to accept one side of the story then why post here? Are you expecting every poster to have their OH sign up to give their side? I doubt that will ever happen.

Forums on the internet are, almost by default, one sided.

Even if the OP has exaggerated, so what? Replies can only be given based oin the information at hand which means its the right advice to suit the information. Its up to the OP to adapt it if the information given was wrong.

Then people like you need to stop promoting everything as abusive behaviour. WE do not know the true story as we only have 1 side.

I think the OP contacting woman's aid maybe a good idea as they recognise abysive behaviour, but also recognise when it's a counselling issue.

I've been in an abusive relationship with my ex partner where I barely got out of it alive, so please don't accuse me of minimising abuse.

@DJKKSlider

Hence I asked the op for more information relating to what they said. I then formed MY opinion after reading their responses.

Why would womans aid help? How would they know if OPs telling the truth or if she's exaggerating.

And if you've been in an abusive relationship how would you feel if the people you told accused you of exaggerating?

Inwoukd hipoe you would give the benefit of the doubt and take posters at their word if you've been through it.

Yes, I've been in a violently abusive relationship too. I'm sure when you spoke to people about your situation you expected them to take what you said at face value and not try to read between the lines to make excuses for your abusive partner.

I doubt women's aid would recommend couples counselling in a situation like this (as described) where the abusive partner often manipulates the situation to further abuse by proxy.

Cross post with DJ.

Do you live together? This man sounds a wrong un. He's cooked twice in a yr and puts up shelves? How often do shelves need putting up ffs. Does he feel special when you cook the other 363 days of the year?

"We have been together for a year"
Well at least you haven't wasted too much time in this horrible relationship. You have to 'earn' cuddles and affection . Wow. No wonder you have insecurities. He wants you to feel insecure - it makes you so much easier to manipulate and control. Fantasising out loud about having sex with another woman while having sex with you, was all about increasing your insecurities.

Your previous relationship was abusive. This has skewed your ability to spot a bastard when he is in full view, as this one is. You've ended this relationship before, do it again and this time make it permanent. You need to work on your self-esteem before getting into another relationship, you clearly don't value yourself enough if you are willing to put up with this shit .

He sounds like a arrogant twat .
My ex saw sex as something you had to do after a argument, when ever we argued he would insist on sex as part of making up, as a way of me saying sorry. No one ever owes anyone sex, it's not a favour, it's something you should do to show you love each other.

As for the fantasising about other woman, I would go mad at him. He's making you feel bad, making you feel like your not good enough, you are good enough, you deserve much better.

My god, if my husband was openly fantasising about another woman whilst having sex with me he would never be coming near me again. That's horrific.

OP, sounds like your self-esteem is really low at the moment and he's just adding to that. From what you've told us, it really doesn't sound like this relationship is right for you.

Thank you ladies for all your advice and support. I think I'm going to have to pick myself up and have a good chat to myself on what the hell im doing and what's the best way to move forward that's best for me and my children. You have all been wonderful and made things clearer for me. Thank you once again :)

Best wishes.

Good luck with the future OP. You deserve so much more. He sounds like an utter arsehole. People that use having sex as a bartering tool are cunts of the highest order

Sex and affection are mutually pleasurable or should be. He's a cock.

Sounds like a very dysfunctional relationship you are having. If I were you, I would seriously reconsider any relationship with this guy.

Minion,
apopros your post of Sunday morning. You will have a lot of adjusting to do between the both of you over the next few months... years. It will not be easy. Both sides need to work at it. Doubtless there will be times when it doesn't seem worth the effort. Only you can make that call.

Do not do anything in anger and haste.

strugglingstepdad
Based on what the op says, he's emotionally abusive. I guess there are 2 options;
She's telling the truth
She's exaggerating/lying
If she's telling the truth, then the advice is sound. If she's not telling the truth then no advice will help her because she's not telling the truth.
We have to take what people say on face value and give advice for that specific circumstance. Deciding that the op is actually describing a difference circumstance just because you say so based on no evidence at all is arrogant and unhelpful.