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Original poster

Sex not the same since colposcopy and dp always wants sex

70 replies

Flippinlife72 · 11/12/2016 18:37

I had an abnormal smear a few months ago, I had a colposcopy which included a biopsy which hurt for a few days and I was allowed to have sex for at least 2 weeks , but I haven't really felt the same about sex since for some reason, but dp although understanding to a point was saying , he's a red blooded male and he needed sex or something, i.e. A blow job or hand job, but I just haven't felt sexual he doesn't understand I just don't feel like doing that, and it's kind of putting me off more would it you? His advances are just making it worse.

Now I have a letter to say they have found abnormal cells and I need treatment, then it will be 4 to 6 weeks before any action. I'm dreading it. He said he will be understanding and there's always other things that we can do but oh I don't know is it me being selfish or him? He says I should want to 😞

OP posts:
CwtchMeQuick · 11/12/2016 19:41

I think it's perfectly normal. You've got the physical element of it being a bit uncomfortable/sensitive/just feeling different. But also the psychological element of having these cells in you that are bad, and for me that played on my mind quite a lot. You should not feel guilty for him having sex with you despite knowing you weren't 100% up for it

LotsoNumbers · 11/12/2016 19:48

He doesn't "need" sex at all he's just a cunt. Any man who can tell you don't want to be having sex and carries on anyway is revolting

Original poster
Flippinlife72 · 11/12/2016 19:48

I actually feel really emotional now knowing it's him in the wrong! It's horrible all this

OP posts:
HeyRoly · 11/12/2016 19:57

then I said but you'll just be hassling me for sex, he said no I won't there's always other things u can do!

Ugh.

He's making it very clear that he thinks his orgasms are YOUR job. "Don't worry if you don't fancy sex, darling, because I'll accept a blow job instead." How considerate of him. What a charmer.

GiraffesAndButterflies · 11/12/2016 19:57

He did ask if I was alright I said yeh but he could tell I wasn't really into it, that makes me feel guilty for some reason

Normal: he feels guilty and stops because youre not into it (actually normal would be doesn't start in the first place because you're not into it)

Fucked-up, rapey behaviour: he realises you don't want to have sex, but he continues anyway, and still manages to come despite knowing that you are not enjoying or willingly participating in the whole thing.

You should not be the one feeling guilty here OP. Flowers

PinkiePiesCupcakes · 11/12/2016 19:58

mainly because he needed it

he didn't need it at all. a man can quite happily live without having sex and if he cant then he needs to see a doctor, be sure to let his doctor know his new address after you've kicked his pathetic backside out.

Smile
Original poster
Flippinlife72 · 11/12/2016 20:01

Omg I'm feeling so emotional and angry now 😔

OP posts:
Original poster
Flippinlife72 · 11/12/2016 20:06

See pinkiepies he has led me to believe he just can't go longer than 2 weeks , he says he gets all worked up and testosterone levels build he'll get more snappy etc. He says I don't I don't understand and all men are like this but I don't remember any of my previous partners being like this.

OP posts:
PinkiePiesCupcakes · 11/12/2016 20:15

he says he gets all worked up and testosterone levels build he'll get more snappy etc. He says I don't I don't understand and all men are like this but I don't remember any of my previous partners being like this.

Bullshit.

what he is really saying is this:
"You better do what I want or i'll be a fucking baby and make your life miserable until you give in to my tantrums."

Its a form of training that arseholes attempt. They don't get their own way so they cause an atmosphere, make their partner walk on egg shells etc so that their partner will give in to demands "for an easier life"

Ask youself....
How many times have you done something, anything, just to avoid his mood?
how many times have you altered your behaviour because you didn't want the atmosphere in the house or the wlaking on eggshells feeling?

If the answer to those questions is anything but 0, you need to seriously consider your future with this child of a man.

(for what its orth, i'm a man, I have a wonderful GF who works very hard, we have sex when we can, sometimes it could be months without any form of sexual contact. There are no moods, no coercive behaviours, no guilt trips, no demands etc)

Original poster
Flippinlife72 · 11/12/2016 20:20

Tbh no he's not moody and we get on very well and I never feel like I'm walking on egg shells he's not controlling really we have a good relationship , this is honestly the only issue like this but you've made me think now and I do remember a time when I was ill for quite a length of time it was awful and although supportive again he demanded sex when I was feeling sick and dizzy and I just did it and felt awful even used and tearful

OP posts:
OurBlanche · 11/12/2016 20:21

I am so sorry, it must be really difficult realising that the man you love perceives you to be little more than a sex toy!

But that is, at heart, what he has told you. He has been quite blunt about it too!

And no, not all men are like that. They don't burst if they don't have sex. Testosterone levels really don't build up until they pop with anger or sexual climax.

He is, from what you have posted, a selfish, sex-centred twat.

Think about it:

You have had a sample taken from your most private bodily part; yes it bloody does sting too, I remember that only too well. You feel this as a threat to your 'womanhood', a real health threat that also threatens the very core of you, as woman, as mother etc.

Him? He sees his sex toy is a bit broken and he wants it back!

I would have booted my DH out had he acted like that when I was going through 6 monthly check ups with various biopsies!

PinkiePiesCupcakes · 11/12/2016 20:27

That's something I guess, hes not controlling he's just a coercive rapist.

LotsoNumbers · 11/12/2016 20:29

You say he's not controlling but what he is is sexually abusive. He's guiltily you into sex you don't want to avoid him getting in a mood. Does he make an effort to make sure you come?

galaxygirl45 · 11/12/2016 20:30

I had this treatment, quite a few years ago when my youngest was 3 - I'd had a normal smear after birth but next one showed abnormal cells. Mine were classed as early cancer after a 2nd smear at the hospital, and then I had Loop excision treatment quite quickly after. DH was hugely sympathetic, and didn't once ask for sex - he left it up to me when I felt better. Your DP sounds like a selfish arsehole, sorry.

pklme · 11/12/2016 20:33

He may believe what he is saying, as it is a commonly believed thing among certain groups of men.
He needs to learn different.

You have gone off sex at the moment because your DF is very poorly, you have had an unpleasant and intrusive surgical procedure which still causes you discomfort, and you are worrying about your future health. Your DP, instead of supporting you and making things easier for you is adding to your distress.

Tell him that this isn't what you want, but if he doesn't shape up and sort himself out, you will never ever want to go back to a proper sex life with him.

P1nkP0ppy · 11/12/2016 20:36

Good grief op, that's sexual abuse verging on rape in my book.

He's a lying and coercive selfish bastard, it's all about him he doesn't give a monkeys for you.
Get rid of him.

Original poster
Flippinlife72 · 11/12/2016 20:44

Yeh it's true he is sexually abusing me and I knew it didn't feel right him making me feel guilty , he's made the whole thing worse by grabbing me feeling my boobs and making sexual innuendoes, I didn't used to mind that but now it doesn't feel right. I remember the night he said he needed me to wank him off he was all excited about going to bed , I can't actually remember exactly what he was saying, all playful stuff but behind his back I was rolling my eyes and thinking just back off , I didn't want to go to bed. His whole behaviour is making it worse, I haven't really felt before he doesn't care because we've always had a good relationship but this, this isn't right and it's making me feel more more used , I have to talk to him but I don't think he'll see it , he sees it as his needs and he does a lot for me

OP posts:
MyWineTime · 11/12/2016 20:48

Never once, in the 25 years I have been with DH, has he ever hassled me for sex when I wasn't positively enthusiastic for it. That means that there have been significant periods of time when we have not had sex. If he felt horny in that time (which I'm sure he did), he dealt with it himself without me ever knowing. That is what supportive partners do.

The whole 2 weeks thing is utter bollocks - he has a hand, he can sort himself out.

Smartleatherbag · 11/12/2016 20:48

God, OP, that's awful. Imagine so sorry this is happening to you.
Sex and all the activities around it should be mutually desired and freely given. What is happening is, as you've identified, abuse.
I hope you can get some rl support. Soon.

pklme · 11/12/2016 20:59

Ask him if he'd fancy it after being circumcised, and told that he might have bowel cancer, and that his DF had cancer. See if he understands then,

I feel a bit sorry for men who are otherwise nice but have bought into this 'men have overwhelming needs, women can satisfy them' bullshit. They really need to wake up.

Original poster
Flippinlife72 · 11/12/2016 21:00

It's so hard with my dad having terminal cancer too, because sometimes I have to rely on him picking up my kids or looking after them, as he's not the dad of my kids. I'm going through a hard time ATM

OP posts:
pklme · 11/12/2016 21:49

You are going through a hard time, yes. He may feel that having a good sex life makes him feel better, so you should too. But he's wrong. Surely he won't abandon you and refuse to help with DCs if you ask him to listen to your reasons why? If he does then frankly, there are other people who will step in and help at this awful time. Tell school what is going on with your health and DF's health. Some of the other parents will help out occasionally with school run and play dates etc. If DP is that much of a jerk, then plan to manage without him,
Bless you. Flowers

PinkiePiesCupcakes · 11/12/2016 22:17

Op, ypour going through a hard time....
Your 'partner' should be helping make it a less hard time, not adding to the reasons why its such a hard time.

LotsoNumbers · 11/12/2016 22:18

he does a lot for me

He's not buying sex through doing you other favours. You don't owe him a God damn thing especially when it's at the cost of your self respect and bodily autonomy. And the thing is when he says he has needs and he has a right to sex or whatever bullshit he comes out with, it sounds about right, and you think we'll he did do x for me yesterday.

That still does not mean you have to have sex that you don't want. Men like him ultimately don't care about you, if he did he would stop when he realised you weren't into it. The jokingly grabbing your boobs and your bum when you walk past, not being able to bend over to pick something up cos he'll be there touching you....it's the mark of a disrespectful arse wipe. He sees you rolling your eyes but he knows you'll give in so he carries on anyway.

You can tell him till you're blue in the face but he does not care so he will not chamge

talksensetome · 11/12/2016 22:39

Hand holding here OP I have had the treatment you will be having and it is a tough time, the last thing on your mind is going to be sex.

If it helps at all I found it much harder mentally than physically, the treatment itself isn't to bad so please don't worry to much

Anyway back to the problem at hand. Your other half is being absolutely selfish and I would seriously need rethinking my relationship.

Next time he starts pass him some lube and a packet of tissues and tell him to sort himself out.

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