Zero sex for 8 years

[Lippyincerise]

Morning, sorry in advance for the long message but I hope someone will be able to give me some advice on this because I'm feeling really desperate! I have posted part of this message before under a different name but wanted to share and seek advice on what has gone on since then. Really hope that's ok. Sorry.

I have been with my other half for over 10 years now, childhood sweethearts and married 3 years. I have posted previously about our lack of sex life which I have been worried about for many years really. I hardly dare write this but we haven't has sex now for 8 years(I am 28), and very minimal amounts of sexual contact in that time. However, we do a lot of hand holding, cuddling etc and general affection which is a big plus.

People have advised on my other posts that I just talk to him and try to identify the problem so anout 3 months ago I finally plucked up the courage after all these years. I asked him why he thought there was no sex/was there someone else/was he still attracted to me(tried to do this in a gentle way). He just looked very sheepish and said he wasn't excited by sex and had no desire to do it- with me or with anyone else. The thing is (and I realise how strange this sounds given what I have just said)- we are both really keen to have a baby. He has said he will try his best to get through it (ugh) so we can hopefully get pregnant but a) I want the sex to be enjoyable for him and b) it's going to take more than one quick shag to get pregnant right!!!!???

So I have this underlying feeling of sick. I understand it was probably very awkward for him but it took a lot for me. I love him to bits and am assured he loves me too but I don't know if I can go on forever like this?! I need to feel wanted is that so bad?! When I tried to raise it again he told me we had already discussed it and was quick to defend himself saying 'this is just the way I am'

I am pretty convinced be is not depressed or anything and seems happy (especially with his friends) but life between us is mundane and he doesn't make the effort. I am nervous that we have become more like best friends but I still love him so much and don't want to throw away my life long relationship.

I have tried and tried since to raise the subject (it's always me) and eventually he said he would give it a go. I bought new underwear etc but tried to be as gentle as possible. He finally got an erection after quite a lot of persuasion but when we actually came to DTD it just went down instantly. We tried for a couple of hours but nothing. He won't try again. I know it may seem like his problem is ED but I just don't see it- he didn't ever have any issue at the start of our relationship.

I know people will say a baby won't fix this situation and maybe I'm being very selfish but I have always dreamt of having children and the urge now is stronger than ever. I have even started to look into adoption but don't know if we could ever reveal the true problem to anyone so would it be built on lies?

Is there anyone out there who has experienced anything even similar to this?

I would be so grateful for any advice as I don't feel I could speak to my friends in this depth- I have been keeping this secret for so long. Thank you xxx

I couldnt live like that. 8 years and he doesn't really see it as a problem. Theres lots of other fish in the sea. You don't have to keep on with this one if he isn't making you happy.

Would he be willing to have therapy?
If not, I really can't see this relationship lasting. You have the initial problem of getting pregnant, but there's the long term issue of a sexless relationship.
You are young. Are you really willing to spend the rest of your life like this?
Babies don't fill holes like this.

It may be harsh to say, but why did you marry him after 5 years of no sex?

He is not being fair to you if he expects you to just put up with this.

I would be asking myself seriously why I had married this person.

I would also not have a baby with him. The resentment from no sex will build when you throw in sleepless nights due to baby etc. Then what happens if you want another child?

You're young. Go and find someone else.

And I wonder if he might be gay... Could be a wild stab, but I wonder.

Don't stay.

You love him as a very dear friend but when things are the same in ten years time, because they will be trust me, you will wonder why you didn't just leave when you were 28.

You will resent him as the years go on and it's neither fair on him or you to live half a life.

I think that if he is not willing to even try to work through this with you (ie. Talking to you, therapy etc) you need to leave.

It may be something he can't help and it may be something that will never change, but the fact that it's making you upset should be enough for him to want to at least try and resolve it.

So you are in a life long relationship with a man who might try and 'get through it' to make a baby with you?
A man you obviously can't talk to if it took you years to pluck up the courage to discuss this?
Sorry but it's a friendship not a relationship. And def not one to bring a baby into.

Walk away and find a man who makes you feel like you should!

He sounds like he may be asexual. There are people who like everything about being in relationship - including having DC - but don't want to have - ever!

I think you need to think long and hard (no pun intended), as to whether you can live like this. You are clearly not asexual, yet you've chosen a partner who is. Eight years without sex???? And in your 20s too???? I know you love him, but sometimes love just isn't enough. You want a full relationship with everything that entails. He doesn't. Personally, I'd leave. You're young enough to meet someone else with whom to have a family with. Sex should be part of a healthy, adult relationship. If it isn't then you're just flat mates or friends.

I think he's either gay or asexual.

If you truly believe there's nobody else and he does love you, then those 2 above are really the only plausible answers.

Leave him, on good terms, and find a relationship that will make you happy and feel wanted the way you do.

It doesn't sound like you have anything to work with if he can't maintain an erection (are you sure it's not ED?)

*don't want to have SEX - ever!

I sounds like you have in general a lovely relationship and one worth keeping if possible. No sex is a very lonely and damaging place to be though. I definitely think you need some external help so therapy, counselling etc is critical in my mind for you both to decide whether this problem can be improved, how to handle this incompatibility and whether the future is acceptable.

There is no shame with this situation so ignore the digs and unkind comments blaming you for staying. Sex droughts happen to the best of us and for many many honest reasons. You obviously love him and I assume he you.

So my point is this needs exploring and then you have some decisions to make.

Such a shame, but you are only 28 and at that age being part of a loving relationship that includes sex is important.
Therapy could help but to be honest I am not sure how long it will take. Maybe you need to separate but support him through the therapy. Good luck with whatever you decide

So you would have a baby but still never have a sexual relationship with your DH and be eternally frustrated. I actually think he has trapped you purposely but wonder why on earth you married him after 5 years of no intimacy?

Seriously, you need to leave. For him to be like that from such a young age after being fine at first is bizarre. The man can't even stand the thought of having sex with you. That isn't normal in a healthy, loving relationship.

Go find someone who loves every part of you. Don't bring children into this weird situation.

I think I remember you. No sex since college, right? And you thought somehow going on honeymoon would somehow light a fire under him, even though you guys never actually discussed it? Am I right?

Well done on trying to get to the root of it since. After 8 years of being successfully stonewalled I imagine it took a lot of determination.

Unfortunately now you have the answers you feared.

He doesn't want you.
He doesn't want anyone.
Not only does he not want anyone, but he has to grit his teeth to even try.
When he does try he can't physically do it.

It is more than likely he will never have sex again. It is 100% certain he will never attempt sex with YOU again.

Your future is celibate. He is stealing your youth, but you are complicit in it and have been for 8 years. You should never EVER have married him.

You are at a good age - you have potentially years of fertility left. But it's not at all easy to adopt, just look on the Adoption board. And how cruel to deny yourself the experience of getting pregnant and carrying the child, all because of your shadow of a relationship. Why should you keep sacrificing?

You love him, I get that. You've been together since 18 and he's your best friend and you can't imagine life without him.

But now you have your answers, you'd be your own worst enemy if you stayed. You spent years hoping it would change - now you KNOW it won't.

So what are you going to do?

Has he been to the GP? I think that would be the first step - low testosterone can have a huge impact on a mans sex drive. His response to this request would be telling too - if he goes quite happily, it means he wants to sort this.

Second step would be another conversation where you spell out that this isn't sustainable for you and that if the issue is not resolved / he doesn't show he is as invested in making this work as you are, your relationship is at risk.
If he is asexual, he is entitled to a life without sex, but you, as a sexual person, are entitled to a relationship that meets your needs.

I would say, and I am not blaming you, but I would be sympathetic to your DH - if after 5 years of no sex you went ahead with the wedding and now, after 8 years of no sex, it's not unreasonable that he thought you were happy with the arrangement. If he thought you were both ok, suddenly finding out you want change is going to be hard.

He doesn't sound like a particularly selfish man, he's being honest and I hope you can sort this OP

DO NOT HAVE A BABY WITH THIS MAN

I may be wrong, but it seems generally acknowledged that women's level of desire goes up as they near middle age. So what you find difficult now, could be worse in 10 years. As will be trying to meet someone new, as will be your fertility.

Easy for me to say, but I'd leave him & see if you can meet someone who wants what you want.

He's gay.

I'm with scargill

If the marriage hasn't been consumated it could just be annulled couldn't it?

There is no reason why, if you should end this relationship and find someone else with whom to start a family (and you are still young in that respect), you can't continue to having a loving relationship with your current DP.

If you truly love each other you want each other to be happy and he should let you go to find the family you want. I'm still good friends with exs and yes, I'd say I love them just not in that way.

By all means consider having a child with this man if you think you can co-parent but you need to look elsewhere for a loving sexual relationship.

He is either asexual or gay.

Either way this isn't really a proper marriage and you know, deep down, that you need to end it.

You are 28. Do you really want to live like this for the next 60yrs? He is never, ever going to change.

You need to leave. Don't be me in 18 years time.

I am 46 and have been married to H for nearly 24 years. We were together for 2 1/2 years before getting married, and during that time I knew something was wrong sexually. I had to figure out when to conceive my 2 children (luckily it worker both times!).

I thought I could change him. I couldn't. I don't know if he is gay or asexual. He certainly doesn't want sex with me! Like your DH mine also refused to do anything about it. My life was made to be celibate against my will.

This way of living has broken me. I have no confidence, no self esteem, no nothing. I can't even bear to watch couples kissing on tv.....

I am lucky - I have my children. I am on my way out, slowly. I wish I'd gone many, many years ago.

Please think about you future.

If you're happy with it, there's no problem.

But if you're thinking now, I think I might like sex with my clearly gay husband, you do have a problem, & you can't possibly in good conscience bring a child inot it.

Your life sounds utterly grim, sorry.