Zero sex for 8 years

[Lippyincerise]

Morning, sorry in advance for the long message but I hope someone will be able to give me some advice on this because I'm feeling really desperate! I have posted part of this message before under a different name but wanted to share and seek advice on what has gone on since then. Really hope that's ok. Sorry.

I have been with my other half for over 10 years now, childhood sweethearts and married 3 years. I have posted previously about our lack of sex life which I have been worried about for many years really. I hardly dare write this but we haven't has sex now for 8 years(I am 28), and very minimal amounts of sexual contact in that time. However, we do a lot of hand holding, cuddling etc and general affection which is a big plus.

People have advised on my other posts that I just talk to him and try to identify the problem so anout 3 months ago I finally plucked up the courage after all these years. I asked him why he thought there was no sex/was there someone else/was he still attracted to me(tried to do this in a gentle way). He just looked very sheepish and said he wasn't excited by sex and had no desire to do it- with me or with anyone else. The thing is (and I realise how strange this sounds given what I have just said)- we are both really keen to have a baby. He has said he will try his best to get through it (ugh) so we can hopefully get pregnant but a) I want the sex to be enjoyable for him and b) it's going to take more than one quick shag to get pregnant right!!!!???

So I have this underlying feeling of sick. I understand it was probably very awkward for him but it took a lot for me. I love him to bits and am assured he loves me too but I don't know if I can go on forever like this?! I need to feel wanted is that so bad?! When I tried to raise it again he told me we had already discussed it and was quick to defend himself saying 'this is just the way I am'

I am pretty convinced be is not depressed or anything and seems happy (especially with his friends) but life between us is mundane and he doesn't make the effort. I am nervous that we have become more like best friends but I still love him so much and don't want to throw away my life long relationship.

I have tried and tried since to raise the subject (it's always me) and eventually he said he would give it a go. I bought new underwear etc but tried to be as gentle as possible. He finally got an erection after quite a lot of persuasion but when we actually came to DTD it just went down instantly. We tried for a couple of hours but nothing. He won't try again. I know it may seem like his problem is ED but I just don't see it- he didn't ever have any issue at the start of our relationship.

I know people will say a baby won't fix this situation and maybe I'm being very selfish but I have always dreamt of having children and the urge now is stronger than ever. I have even started to look into adoption but don't know if we could ever reveal the true problem to anyone so would it be built on lies?

Is there anyone out there who has experienced anything even similar to this?

I would be so grateful for any advice as I don't feel I could speak to my friends in this depth- I have been keeping this secret for so long. Thank you xxx

Try every channel to resolve this, tbh it sounds like you may have already. Then difficult decision time, I decided to stay or rather bottled out on leaving and now much later in life feel totally trapped and resentful with ongoing depression of which, this is the route cause.

Such a sad post nearly had enough.
Sad how a man not sexually interested in you can make you feel worthless as a woman.

I hope op listens to your advice

This is not normal..i,e that which is the norm.

As you can guess from my username, i am male. Not contrary to popular believe men will not just "shag" anything , Lovemaking is best with your partner. But put any reasonable, clean woman in front of me, have her undress and i would be stirring ..

I wonder if this man has issues with women or the physical side of relationships?

Maybe he is actually homosexual?

Maybe he sees you as a surrogate mother and not his partner/lover?

Either way,your way too young to suffer this,,cut and run,,it is not likely to get any better and DO NOT get pregnant by him..

Thanks everyone who has taken the time to respond. It means such a lot to know I'm not completely alone with this huge secret anymore. The resounding answer is to get out whilst I'm still young and not have a baby with him but I just love him so much. This one part is missing from an otherwise good, strong relationship. Is it worth giving everything up for? I can barely remember what great sex is like but I'm guessing you think it's worth getting out? Xxx

Run for the bloody hills. You can still love him as your friend.

He may also be into sexual stuff that just doesn't do it for you - my ex turned out to be into kink and BDSM. Which doesn't fry my onion but did retrospectively make me feel a lot less rejected.

Well, it's not just missing out on intimacy is it (and that's difficult of course). It's impacting on your self-esteem. That's not a situation that's going to improve.

I couldn't live like this.
I know everyone is different but the longest my partner and I have ever gone without sex was only a couple of weeks. I'm a bit younger than you but I don't think a sexless relationship is a good thing, especially in your twenties before children.
I wouldn't want to have sex with someone who said they had to try to get through it either, how upsetting.

In the kindest way possible, I dint think there is a happy future with this man.

Actually I think if you have put up with this for eight years sex doesn't sound like it's top of your list of priorities either.

Also, I think just going off and finding somebody else might well be unrealistic, great men aren't just littering the streets for us to pick and choose from, you may never meet anybody else. If you're going to leave do it because you can't stay with this man, not just on the hope of somebody better coming along. I think you have a number of options.

1. Stay as things are.
2. Stay and try to have a child (does he masturbate?) by whatever means. Then co-parent that child.
3. Stay and seek sex outside the relationship, assuming he's ok with this.
4. Leave, try to find someone else while being aware you might not meet someone else.

One thing that seems clear, he's not going to change and to be honest, I don't think you should try to force him. Best wishes, whatever you decide.

I swore I would never ever post in here...

But this is not a fault or defect, it's an absence. Would you ask a one legged person to tapdance? A mute to sing? Asexuality is like being colourblind; he feels no lack for something he doesn't have. You fell in love very young, and both made the mistake that it would eventually conquer all. When you tried and he lost his erection, that wasn't ED, that was distaste. Trust me, I know what ED feels like, and the little blue friends bring the physical side to honest lust.
Find your happy, but don't hang about.

It doesn't sound to me, like this is sustainable unless there are some changes in your relationship. Preferably, him getitng some help or counselling to try to get to the root of the problem.

If you are truly best friends, then you could just become that - annul your marriage (or stay as you are), but be able to pursue relationships outside your marriage. The two of you could still have children, whether living together in an open relationship, or living together as two single adults, or living apart. You are lucky in that in today's society, you have far more freedom than ever before to determine the shape that you both want your relationship to be. He doesn't need to necessarily be cut out of your life, just because he doesn't want sex. It depends on what you both want.

I think you need to have lots more conversations with him about this, properly thrash out how you both feel, what you are going to do about the future etc. But I don't think you can go on as you are because its hard now after 8 years, what's it going to be like after 28. You also don't want to wake up in 30 years and realise that you've missed out on so much.

Its such a sad situation :-(

I'm baffled as to how you think this is a good strong relationship when one half doesn't give a shit about causing the other half such obvious distress.

If he's your best friend, you have a very low standard for friendship. You seem to be saying to him "It's ok, at least you tried once, I'll shut up now". He's a lousy friend. He wants the convenience and social acceptance and comfortable life of a married man, knowing that you're a sexual person and he's condemning you to enforced celibacy. He's a selfish twat who has done such a number on you over the years that you don't even know if you're being reasonable to expect your marriage to have been consummated.

And you're MISERABLE. This isn't the first thread you've posted and won't be the last. You're fucking miserable, love. At least own that.

Shit OP
This is bad

It is not fair to have essentially tricked/forced your spouse into being celibate. It's stealing part of their life.

Fine if both parties agree to be asexual (or if one ill). But you didn't. And you want a baby. A couple of TMI questions here, but firstly has he ever come inside you and secondly does he wank? He could have a physical problem but he seems to have an emotional problem by not discussing it and making you celibate by stealth.

You could get this marriage annulled quickly and cheaply. You don't even need to get divorced as it hasn't been consummated and is voidable.

You should run a mile IMO.

I do feel for you Lippy, you are so young and this isn't doing you any good. Although I myself have done so, I am not easily in the LTB team. There is something not right somewhere. As others have said, he sounds asexual. Hard as it to believe, but I know of two couples where one of the partners are asexual/possibly gay. The one couple got divorced after 18 years of marriage, no children, they attempted sex TWICE in their marriage. They married young, his wife was very religious and she was a virgin. She remained a virgin for many years. In fact, she may well still be, as it seems that their two attempts to have sex were pretty much unsuccessful. Not that it matters, but I was pleased to see on FB that after being divorced for 5 years, she has now met someone else.

The other couple. They are married about 24 years iirc. They have handled the situation is a completely different way. They do have one child, but it seems he was conceived easily, after one attempt. After years of being rejected sexually the wife suggested an open marriage. He doesn't have sex, but she does with other men. There is one that she has been seeing for about a year now. I don't know if I could do this, but they didn't want to divorce because of dc, losing home etc, and every other part of their lives was good, except he didn't want sex and she did. So she has a friend with benefits, her husband knows about it, but hasn't met him. They go off, and she comes home a bit happier. I, in all honesty, think he is gay, but he is older now and of the thinking that he would rather live this way, than upset the apple cart at home. Its pretty sad to see.

I think your dh is being pretty selfish to not even discuss it with you, I just wanted to ask, was he abused or something like that as a child? This is what happened to friend A as I mentioned above, I am sure it was a huge factor, but he refused to ever go and see someone, it wasn't an issue for him, he didn't really care whether his wife wanted sex or not, he just didn't so they didn't.

All the best OP, I hope things work out for you whatever you decide.

You've got to have another talk, and suggest you both go to the GP together and get a referral to a sexual therapist. Hopefully he will agree, if not then you may have to cut your losses and end the relationship, especially if he has no intention of even trying to give you what you want. It's up to you, but he's had a long time to settle in and get cosy with the situation. He may be unwilling to change. I hope your not thinking a baby will fix this, because it won't. He's either got to get his head in the game, or he has to go. Good luck with it all.

Havent read all the replies, but yes you cant stay like this, it sounds horrible.

Three ways forward i can think of:

a) he communicates with you, there is and underlying issue, and you solve the problem through therapy or medication if appropriate
b) he communicates with you, he is gay or a sexual, and you have an open martiage so you can sexual experiences with others. There are lots of different models of how this can work, from just sex outside the marriage to multiple loving relationships. Communication and consent are vital.
c) neither of the above work, or he won't try. Then i think you'd need to split.

Its funny OP, I can read the angst in your posts, I can read how you've tried lots of things, how you've plucked up the courage, how you've bought under wear, how you've fretted and stressed. All of this you've done because you love him.

I've not read anywhere, noe I may have missed it, where ypou have written what he has done to solve this issue?

Simple fact is, ypoure not happy, you love him enough to try and sort things, yet seemingly he doesn't love ypu enough to try to sort things?

Tell him in absolutely uncertain terms he gets help, you'll be there for him, or you're leaving. Its fine for people to have problems, not fine if they choose to do nothing about them and let the person they supposedly love become stressed and miserable.

He is your friend. He's never going to be your lover. Can you live a life without sex? You do know that when you hit your late 30's, that your sex drive is going to increase massively? As hard as it is, you need to separate. You can still be friends.

Does he masturbate? Does he actually feel any sexual arousal at all for anything?

I think you know that you NEED to talk about this properly. Shut the curtains, sit down together with enough time to properly get to the bottom of it and tell him exactly how you feel. Show him the OP of this thread. Tell him you need proper honesty and answers. Don't leave until you get them. I would also wonder if he is gay. Then, and only then, you can make a decision on what to do. Until you have the full facts you won't know how to proceed.

Good luck. I know you love him but having that wonderful intimacy is something i couldn't be without.

My first thought was also "he may be gay". Realise that may be such a tough question to ask, but you cannot go ahead and get pregnant without addressing this issue. If he has to be persuaded to have sex, there is something amiss - either he is confused about his sexuality or he's possibly depressed. Sorry you are going through this after being together so long. He is being unfair to you if he's not being completely honest about what he wants....or doesn't want.