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Original poster

Best Lovers and Sex - Moving On

28 replies

Aszxdsaqwe123 · 31/08/2016 15:25

I have just come out of a one year relationship where I can honestly say hand on heart we had the best sex ever, with pretty much no boundaries or limits, including group play (she is bi) and BDSM with me as a dominant (which she brought out in me ). It wasn't all just hard sex, it was made better by the intimacy and love between us.

Sex plays a major part in her life and psyche and this was obvious in our sex life.

Now its over I am mourning the fact that I have lost the most incredible sexual partner I could ever ask for. I am honestly unlikely to find anyone with the same sex drive and needs in a future relationship and I am worried I am always going to end up judging future lovers against her, and not having my needs satisfied .

How do I come to terms with that and move on?

OP posts:

SleepingTiger · 31/08/2016 21:58

You don't do it in that order.

You have to move on. Have to.

Life changes, you grow, you meet other people (out of potentially a few hundred million), and out of nowhere when least expected it happens again.

But you don't come to terms with it by staying in the past. Wrong way round.

Original poster

Aszxdsaqwe123 · 01/09/2016 11:30

Thanks Sleeping Tiger - I am having real issues with the moving on part - can't stop thinking about the past and what we had.

She also brought out and developed a dominant side of me and that has been left without anyone to dominate and this has raised very strange emotions in me.

Finding it all very hard to deal with - think that anti depressants are the only way forward.

OP posts:

tattoosandteadresses · 01/09/2016 14:32

You broke up for a reason though, well I assume so as no-one breaks up for nothing?

You do need to move on. Try some exercise, helps my moods markedly. Are you involved with the local scene at all? Go to munches or workshops to speak to like minded people? While you might not find any romantic interests it may help to speak to some people involved in bdsm and you never know where that may lead.

ALittleShit · 01/09/2016 14:36

Same here... except I'm female. Just the most amazing sex life, both quite alternative in the bedroom and I hadn't found it before him so I doubt I'll find it again.

Let me know we when you figure out a way to get over it

Rockluvvindad · 01/09/2016 14:40

Don't be afraid to grieve for what you lost... A year in a relationship like that can be harder to get over than a relationship of many years with less of a connection.

Time helps. And you will meet someone else. They might not be the same, but then if we were all the same then life would be boring, and part of the fun with kink is exploration of the new !

I speak from personal experience... Was a shorter relationship ( maybe 9 months in total in two attempts. I had to cut her out of my life altogether though. Pictures, contact details, ropes and toys etc... that we shared together, mementos, all had to go. Any reminder was too painful. Now it's been 6 months, that's not the case and I can reminisce, but I met a new lady who is keen to explore her interests and boundaries with me and the past doesn't seem like the place to stay any more.

Personally, I'd stay away from munches etc... for the time being because it will just remind you what you have lost. Maybe save that for when are feeling stronger or have met someone new and can take them along with you.

Good luck.

Original poster

Aszxdsaqwe123 · 01/09/2016 15:16

tattoosandteadresses - we broke up due to a combination of vanilla issues and one major "lifestyle" event.

alittleshit - If I figure it out then I will definitely share it.

rockluvvindad - I met her at a swingers venue which we attended together while we were a couple. Last weekend was a big summer event and she warned me she would be going with the intention of playing which absolutely wrecked me - as it was she decided not to go as she thought it wouldn't be fair to me. I tend to use it more as a social venue whereas for her it was always about playing. She is on a swingers website too and I am killing myself by checking how often she logs in - I know its wrong but I cannot stop.

OP posts:

goldensolait · 01/09/2016 15:34

There is a particular intensity in a kink relationship, moreso if it's the first person to recognise and fulfill that latent side of you.

I know I certainly look back at my first and still am blown away by the feelings and emotions I had back then. No-one has sadly ever matched up to what we had but I think it's the fact it was new to me then? Like a first love will always have a place in your heart?

Give yourself time, it sounds like a fairly recent event and things will be raw for a time. Try to go cold turkey with checking of the website. Any way you can block it on your device?

Original poster

Aszxdsaqwe123 · 01/09/2016 15:52

goldensolait - thank you - I hadn't considered it in that light - like a first love but I think you've managed to hit it on the head. The relationship combined sex, love, intimacy and kink and her openness was a perfect canvas for us to develop together.

It went downhill very quickly - we were on holiday together and a week later she started expressing doubts (post a specific event) and then she went away for a week. When she returned we had one meeting and that was pretty much it. There was still so much we hadn't experienced and had yet to do which has left me with a sense of loss. She has also told me that I would be a hard act to follow in terms of being a lover and that I was progressing as a dominant.

The cold turkey bit makes sense but at the moment I am not strong enough to take that move. I had started counseling and am also going to go onto anti depressants for a while as this is consuming me.

OP posts:

ALittleShit · 01/09/2016 16:14

Your situation sounds a lot like ours, swinging site included, however he was emotionally unavailable and I was horribly in love. I'm okay now for most part but I think he's watching me on the site... cold turkey was the only way, I don't have his contact details anymore and don't look at him online at all, it's helped but I'm still disappointed.

Good luck with it all

Original poster

Aszxdsaqwe123 · 01/09/2016 16:59

We were both in love but there are real world issues that brought things to a head. Despite the fact we met in a swingers environment we only soft played with a few other couples and as time was an issue (she is a single mum of two under 10s) it was more a case of enjoying each other at venues and BDSM at home. I need to purge everything but I haven't been brave enough yet.

OP posts:

goldensolait · 01/09/2016 17:18

Couselling is a good move, my present partner has been through it herself after the relationship before me and found it really helped her move on. It's hard when a relationship ends so abruptly and you have no time as yet to gain closure but talking through it with someone may help that progress.

Honestly I do relate to what you are saying. In my past relationship I never felt like anyone had ever understood me, my needs and desires the way he did. The D/s aspect caught us completely by surprise, neither of us had done that before but we fell into it automatically and naturally, despite knowing each other through a vanilla setting and never discussing sex or hidden kinks before.

I do have that closure now although it did take a fair bit of time to get there and I was heartbroken for a while. I also had to go cold turkey and block on social media sites as it hurt too much. We now see each other around the odd time and chat as friends. It's good and I don't pine after him any more. I wish I had that intensity of a relationship again, but not with him.

Best of luck

You too ALittle

Mov1ngOn · 01/09/2016 18:35

I will comment sensibly later..... But i just love that my name is next to a "best lovers and sex" title!

Original poster

Aszxdsaqwe123 · 01/09/2016 22:39

goldensolait Thanks. We didn't grow together as you did, she had much more experience and I was willing to learn to give her satisfaction and fulfillment. I was still very much a work in progress and losing her has meant that I have had the urge awoken but have no way of fulfilling it.

Intensity is a wonderful word to describe the feelings. Having had it once and honestly having still been looking forward to many things, it's why I genuinely feel that in the future I'm.never going to be truly fulfilled

OP posts:

talksensetome · 01/09/2016 22:44

I am going through very similar at the moment. Wondering how I will ever find anyone as amazing as ex. We clicked completely in the bedroom and I am hugely attracted to him. We did things together that I have never done before.
Shame I can't keep him as a friend with benefits.

ALittleShit · 01/09/2016 23:02

Thanks Golden. I'm over the worst of it, we've been on and off for years, I've realised it's permanent this time so taken steps to get my own closure. I'm enjoying a fun sex life, something I never did during our off periods previously and it's been a massive help... even though no man comes close to him.

Sorry you're going through something similar talk.

goldensolait · 02/09/2016 08:42

I completely understand that feeling of it being awoken in you with no way now to fulfil it. Extremely frustrating and stifling to say the least.

I'm now in a nilla relationship that all this has come to the forefront and her 'open mind' isn't as open as she previously believed it could be. It leaves me in an extremely difficult position where I feel selfish for wanting what I do or like a right bitch for breaking up over this incompatibility. The thought of quashing my desires again I know will leave me unsatisfied and resentful in the long term yet I would never want her to do anything she isn't comfortable with.

Also sorry you're going through this talk. As they say best way to get over someone is to get under someone little Have yout tried dating websites? I know there used to be a lot of local kinky people on okcupid a few years back when I did the OLD for a while.

goldensolait · 02/09/2016 08:44

Sorry just noticed you're on swinging websites, dare say they are there too

HidingFromDD · 02/09/2016 08:55

I also had this with my ex in a d/s relationship (although I was the sub). I think the first time explorations have an intensity which magnifies everything. Time is the healer though. I'm now in what started as a vanilla relationship but has progressed into some 'light' kink, and can honestly say that I have no desire for sex with my ex at all (and I work with him now so see him frequently).

It did take quite a while for that feeling to go though. There's a lot of heightened emotion in a D/S relationship and you need time to let that go.

Original poster

Aszxdsaqwe123 · 02/09/2016 10:12

Thanks for the messages on here and everyones kind words. I hadn't considered the effect the whole BDSM side would have had on the break up. We didn't define ourselves sexually as swingers or d/s - we were two people very much in love and planning for the future.

Hopefully counseling will help but at the moment its very raw and painful.

OP posts:

wantmorenow · 03/09/2016 13:00

ALittleShit wow your story resonates with me today. In a relationship that has progressed into swinging and Dom/sub for two years. Love him to bits and we have a great relationship but he doesn't love me back. Have told him today that I can no longer keep making him the centre of my world and hope for future plans and commitment with him as he is so closed off to me and doesn't seem to to reciprocate my feelings. He replied with 'am i dumped?' I said 'no' just that I need to pull back emotionally and get some distance from him (we work together too). He hasn't even replied. :-(

ALittleShit · 03/09/2016 13:07

Sorry to hear that Want - i worked with mine too. IME a lot of people on the scene are emotionally unavailable for one reason or another, mine can't hold down a relationship with anyone. Mine also wouldn't reply to any sort of emotionally charged text messages, couldn't deal with it at all.

wantmorenow · 03/09/2016 13:13

Thanks. So similar. He is available to do practical stuff, go for pub drink, fix car and is as dependable as they come. Still married to his wife (separated almost 10 years) and reckons he doesn't do love! I don't want to date a married (albeit separated) man and want to be loved back. He looks like I'm speaking mandarin when I try and explain this. Wants me to only live in the moment and gets frustrated that I need to actually know whether he is emotionally attached to me. Very sad.

wantmorenow · 03/09/2016 13:25

Aszxdsaqwe123 if you both were in love then is there a way forward together with counselling? Seems you had a deeper connection and commitment than I and a few others here.

Original poster

Aszxdsaqwe123 · 03/09/2016 14:04

Wantmorenow I've suggested counselling both individual and couples but she thinks the relationship has run its course. She has 2 young children and felt I was never going to be satisfied by the little time she gave me plus all her other commitments
There was also a specific event which brought things to a head and that proved to be the final straw for her

I love her deeply and miss her and would work to bring us together stronger.

OP posts:

MiscellaneousAssortment · 05/09/2016 00:29

I think you have to grieve for the person, and the sex, and the bond of intimacy created by the journey you went on together.

It's hard not to put that person on a pedestal and because you've put her so high up, it makes sense that no one, no one, could ever make you feel so good.

The trick is to keep on reminding yourself that she is human, not a god, and although it was amazing, it doesn't make it, her (you?) unique.

Good luck,

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