help me talk about sex with my partner

[privateandconfidential]

Hi

I have another thread on here about whether I am being needy and I'm starting a fresh new thread in the hope someone can help me get over my fear if talking about sex.

I am left feeling frustrated with my bf and need to discuss this with him. But the very thought of having this conversation makes me feel anxious (my LT ex withheld sex and made me feel like a stupid sex beast whenever I brought it up. Like I was a naughty child) .

I'm trying to work out whether my partner is selfish in bed or its just because I've never told him what I like in bed and I've never complained about our sex life. We've been together 7 months.

Would it be a terrible idea to text him instead of over the phone or face to face? My anxiety is through the roof thinking about speaking out loud about it.

And what exactly do I say to him? I don't want to accuse him of being lazy in bed. I want to work out why I hardly ever climax with him. It could be that he's selfish but it could be that he just isn't aware that I'm left unsatisfied.

I hope I've made sense and not rambled too much. Don't have time to re read the post so apologies for any typos / stuff not making sense.

Please help.

You could start the conversation over text but I think things like this are better off done face to face. It'll be good for you to face your anxiety.

Is he not going for long enough? What do you think the problem is?

I think the first thing to establish is whether he notices that you rarely climax. Or do you give the impression that you do, even when you don't?

I'd start even further back, to check whether you can climax, and what it usually takes. And what you would like him to do and how best to explain that to him. He can't really be expected to know without being told. In an ideal world he might ask but if you are anxious about talking about it.

But generally, I can't imagine being close enough to someone to have sex, without feeling I can talk to them about anything and everything. For me, that was the process of getting to know someone, that i felt comfortable enough to talk about things.

By all means start by txt, but I really think this needs to be a conversation. Do you ever go for a walk, or do something together where you could talk while getting on with something else? Definitely talk.

I never fake it.

Basically sometimes it takes me ages to climax. Although it's because he isn't doing the things that got me going. Sometimes I climax through penetrative sex but defo not always. It's only happened a few times (I've never climaxed through penetrative sex with anyone else, the first time it happened I couldn't believe what was happening. Amazing). I think he tries to make me climax while we're actually dtd but it doesn't always happen. And once he has come, he generally falls asleep. While we're at it he does say he's trying to hold back but I don't know how to stop him climaxing so I just carry on with it. Then it's too late.

He must know I've not climaxed although we've never spoke about it. But it's obvious when I am climaxing so he must realise when I haven't.

I can definitely climax! No problem there. If we're been out drinking it takes aaaaages though. And I think that's put him off trying in the past. And it's just filtered over into normal non drunk sex. Maybe.

My face has gone bright red and all hot and my heart is racing just thinking of talking about it.

We don't really ever go for walks. Generally we go pub or cinema or theatre or sit in and watch TV.

Also might be worth noting that I hate instigating as I was rejected for years by my ex.

I tried instigating last night and he fell asleep. I felt rotten

I just don't know how to begin the conversation. What on earth do I say??? Please help me!

I also hate instigating, I used to be fine then did it once, went through the whole thing attempting to be sent, afterwards he said he hadn't really been up for it. Made me feel great that did! I've not really instigated since.

Can you encourage him.to do more foreplay so you can climax before the pic? Or get in a position where you can 'help yourself along'

Encouraging him to do more foreplay is probably the way forward. It doesn't go long enough for me.

And being rejected is an awful feeling. I always feel really silly and pathetic if I get knocked back. That's why I hardly ever do it. I took the plunge last night and it didn't work and that has brought my confidence down a notch or two I can tell you!

I know how you feel. It is really hard. What about some rude texts? Or asking him by text what he likes etc and move onto what works for you?

We've never had a rude text in 7 months. We do say we want sexy time but that's it. It just feels weird thinking of being rude but maybe I'll try it. Scared of not getting the reaction I want though and i'll feel even more stupid! We just aren't that type of couple and I'm worried it would seem false. But maybe I should just go for it. I dunno...

Glad to hear it's not just me though notta!! Thanks for the advice all

And that's what I really liked about him at first. Met online and I had very many men being filthy and I found it off putting. My bf never did it, he never pressurised me into sex, ever.

If dirty texts aren't for you that's ok.

Once you start talking about it it becomes easier and less embarrassing, it's just getting over that first bit. He'll probably be thankful you're being honest.

I will try and talk to him but I find it so cringey. Ugh I'm pathetic

And no dirty texts aren't really for me. Well I once tried doing it with ex and he just completely ignored me. Text me back a while later about something else. I felt like such an arse

Okay sent him a sort of jokey text saying I was feeling extra horny after 2 nights of sleeping in the same bed but not having sexy time. He apologised and said he would make amends...

The texting is a good start, as a precursor to more direct communication.

It will benefit your sexual relationship for you to work out clearly and specifically the variables that enable you to climax, you mentioned foreplay, maybe this also includes oral sex, a favorite sex position, a particular setting/environment and even pre-foreplay like a relaxing evening meal or hot bath together. All of these things play a factor. Once you communicate what you enjoy most, or would like to try most, to your partner I guarantee he will be overjoyed. Most loving partners are. He will be happy to indulge you.

It sounds as though you were hurt by your ex who used rejection as a game plan or control method of sorts. Sorry you had to endure this. It's time to move on and let go. You didn't deserve it. Embrace your new lover.

Well done on the text! You're not pathetic.

How about telling/texting him that you worldwide to be more open with talking about sex with him.

Thanks ophelia. I'm feeling more positive about it today. I still don't know exactly how to communicate what I like. Do I do it while we're in bed? Have a conversation about it like we're talking about the weather?! Clueless. Utterly clueless.

I wasn't always like this. Before I met my ex I was experimental but 20 years with a sexually repressed man who used sex (or lack of) as a type of punishment has really fucked that up. I don't know how to get over it. He used to make me feel stupid and dirty for wanting it. Except on the rare occasion he was up for it. Then it was boring and uninspired. Although to be fair to him I did used to climax nearly every time and that was down to him, so maybe I'm being unfair to him. I dunno.

I just want an exciting sex life!

X post with notta

Thank you notta. I feel daft as a brush being so scared of talking about it. I love sex so why is it so difficult! That text I sent last night will do for now. He knows that the non sex was a problem and he's said he's sorry and he'll make it up to me. I plan to actually physically show him what to do next time and perhaps talk about it afterwards.

Talk about it as part of an emotionally connecting intimate moment. Don't just blurt out while you're packing away the shopping "You know what babe, I'd love us to use a vibrator together!" or whatever.

You do need to set the moment such as over a romantic meal, or during a walk by your favourite river, while doing something you do together that you both enjoy.
Start with,
"Can we talk about us for a bit?" then after you have said what you want to say, there's time for you both to reflect.

Use positive language such as
"I love it when you X and can we do more of this" or
"I have been thinking it would be amazing if we could do X and Y before Z" or whatever
"I really enjoy X but we haven't done this together yet but I would love to try it with you, what do you think?"

Avoid negative phrases like "You don't do enough X" or "I'm dissatisfied from a lack of X"

Talking first, whilst not actually in the loaded situation of being in bed together is important. You then need to continue the conversation whilst you are actually getting into bed (or wherever it may be).

There is nothing more erotic than your partner saying what they desire during sex, and having a light chat beforehand builds intimacy.

I'm sorry you had such a shit time with your ex and so many wasted years. You can get over that, put it behind you. He sounds like a prize twat.

I hope you find through your new partner that wanting sexual intimacy is not something "dirty" or to be ashamed of. It is a normal part of any loving relationship.

Ophelia your post did make smile @ vibrator comment

Thank you for the pointers. I will try and get over feeling like a naughty child or a crap seductress somehow. I know once I start talking it'll be fine and i'll probably get all turned on haha but it's just that scary first step of bringing it up. I've built it up in my head so much.

Glad you are feeling more positive. If you are really stuck for how to frame the question, asking 'how do you feel about.... ' is a fairly neutral way to get started. Let the conversation flow from his reaction, without trying to direct the flow of conversation. Go wherever it wants. Enjoy.