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Original poster

Am I being too needy?

63 replies

privateandconfidential · 28/04/2016 08:01

First time posting in this section Blush

Been seeing my fella for 7 months.

Got to spend a few nights with him this week and we had sex the first two nights. It wasn't great as I didn't climax at all. The final two nights we didn't have sex even though last night I made it clear I was up for it.

I'm left feeling frustrated, rejected and generally fed up. I hate feeling like this as in my last LT relationship I felt like this all the time (ex used to withhold sex). I'm not a sex fiend by any stretch of the imagination but I do think that after only 7 months I shouldn't be feeling like this.

Am I overreacting?

OP posts:
suzannecaravaggio · 28/04/2016 11:05

He just sounds 'not bothered'
that could be for any number of reasons but I think in your shoes I'd be inclined to step back a bit, cool things off?

suzannecaravaggio · 28/04/2016 11:11

He does sometimes try and hold back when we're having sex so that I can climax but he doesn't seem able
So he's framing this as a situation where the only way sex can be satisfying for you is if he can hold back, but...whoops!
oh what a pity he just can't do it
Yeah right
😒😒😒

G1raffe · 28/04/2016 11:18

Before you give up entirely - have you actually talked to him about it? Have you talked about what turns you on etc? One partner I had just wasn't massively experienced and actually didn't twig that what turned him on wasn't working for me.

But it may be too late for all that! Good communication is the key ...

Original poster
privateandconfidential · 28/04/2016 11:30

I've got him to stimulate me in the past but it's such a half arsed attempt I don't bother anymore. He clearly just wants to go to sleep.

Haven't spoken to him about it. Don't k ow how Confused

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Original poster
privateandconfidential · 28/04/2016 11:48

Not looking good is it.

Also when I said he doesn't seem able to hold back that was a bit unfair. Actually what happens is, he says he's tying to hold back but I don't know what I'm supposed to do or stop doing, so I just say don't worry if you need to, just climax. So really I am kind of at fault there. It's just inexperience and lack of confidence on how he wants me to help him stall. If that makes sense??

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Original poster
privateandconfidential · 28/04/2016 11:52

And yes I'm going to cool things off for a bit

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Original poster
privateandconfidential · 28/04/2016 11:53

Thanks to those saying I'm not too needy

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StickTheDMWhereTheSunDontShine · 28/04/2016 11:56

He sounds a bit crap. If you need more stimulation than him, then he needs to put more effort in before PIV, if he can't hold back, once that happens.

It's a young relationship. I'd just cut your losses because it's supposed to be phenomenal right now because, in theory, you're still heavily in lust but have reached a point where you should have a good idea about what makes each other tick. Instead, it sounds like he regards sex with you at about the same level as going for a dump - just necessary for a bit of relief for him.

Original poster
privateandconfidential · 28/04/2016 12:01

Hahahaha taking a dump

And yes L. He's a bit crap isn't he. Hmmm what to do.

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Original poster
privateandconfidential · 28/04/2016 12:03

Agree with everything stick says

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Original poster
privateandconfidential · 28/04/2016 12:38

The relationship is starting to feel like we're just good friends. With him getting his rocks off.

Not sure how I would end it. Can hardly tell him the sex is crap??

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Summerlovinf · 28/04/2016 12:42

Tell him it's not working for you. You don't need an excuse. I've been seeing my BF about 7 months too and we still can't keep our hands off each other - that's the good bit - you can have that too, but prob not with this bloke. Good luck x

Original poster
privateandconfidential · 28/04/2016 12:45

That's how it should be, summer. I feel like I'm missing out. It's really hard though because I do feel love for him and I don't want to hurt him. I don't want to be all cold with him. I think he thinks everything is brilliant Sad

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Summerlovinf · 28/04/2016 13:03

So you would stay with him in order to save hurting his feelings? You need to start putting yourself further up your own list of priorities. You don't need to be nasty - tell the truth that's it's not working out for you. He'll get over it and you can both go on to find happiness and love elsewhere.

Original poster
privateandconfidential · 28/04/2016 13:07

When you put it like that...

I spent far too many years putting myself at the bottom of the list of my priorities with my ex. I should give myself a good hard slap for allowing it to happen again.

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riceuten · 28/04/2016 13:10

Tell him.

Tell him exactly how you feel, and what you expect from a physical relationship. If he wants it to go anywhere, he will respond, positively.

Original poster
privateandconfidential · 28/04/2016 13:17

I'm torn between telling him and just ending it.

I mean, being selfish in bed is a sign of being selfish full stop, isn't it? I don't want to be with a selfish man. And if I tell him, yeah he will probably up his game, but for how long? I just don't know if it's worth it anymore. I'm really fed up today (that's what lack of sex does to me!!)

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Summerlovinf · 28/04/2016 13:55

How do you feel about the rest of the relationship - how much would you miss him? What are the good and bad points? There's no point working on the sex if the rest is a bit 'meh' anyway...then again if you have a great time together otherwise, it's worth trying to sort. I've tended to think that early on sex kind of sorts itself out but that's probably not always the case.

Original poster
privateandconfidential · 28/04/2016 14:03

Yeah I'd miss him but being completely honest I don't think I'd be heartbroken. We really get on, we have the same sense of humour, like the same sort of things. I look forward to seeing him. But this week I've just thought it's been stale...however I think the fact that I am sexually frustrated isn't helping my judgement. I am starting to feel a bit of anger towards him because of it.

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Original poster
privateandconfidential · 28/04/2016 14:06

...If my reply has a 'meh' feel to it, it's because I'm feeling very 'meh' today.

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Original poster
privateandconfidential · 28/04/2016 14:12

It just doesn't feel passionate anymore. I dunno.

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G1raffe · 28/04/2016 14:24

It sounds like this relationship has run its course.

I think you ought to be able to talk about sex and preferences though before 6 months and be happy to share what works for you next time!

Original poster
privateandconfidential · 28/04/2016 14:32

You might be right. It upsets me because I thought (and he has also said) this relationship was for keeps. We have short term plans for the summer, stuff we are both looking forward to doing.

I mentioned earlier that I can't talk about sex. I used to be able to, but my ex, who used to withhold sex, always laughed at me when I brought it up or made out I was being a sex fiend etc. Now if I try and say something on the subject with new bf, it gets stuck on my throat and I can't get the words out. So that's not his fault I guess.

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Original poster
privateandconfidential · 28/04/2016 15:45

I think I need to speak to him about it before I do anything. For one thing I need to confront my fear of speaking about sex, and another thing is its probably not fair on him as I've never told him what I like or need in bed. I've never complained about our sex life either. So he's probably completely clueless about my feelings

Would it be totally shit for me to text him about it? I just don't feel comfortable speaking out loud about it (pathetic I know). And can someone please please help me with how I'm supposed to word it???

I feel so pathetic asking this

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suzannecaravaggio · 28/04/2016 16:06

no I dont think it would necessarily be a bad thing to broach the subject via text, perhaps explain to him that you find it hard to talk about sex and hopefully he'll be considerate and sympathetic.

I'd say give him the benefit of the doubt and dont be critical because he'll likely feel defensive or hurt and that wont help matter

Sounds like you feel as if you need to get it off your chest in some way or other, let him know that you feel unsatisfied and see if he makes a real effort to change, if it's just some passive aggressive 'I'll try not to climax so quickly...oh whoops silly me I did it again'
then you'll know

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