Totally lost with sexless marriage.

[1Fortheroad]

I've been married for 18 years and 15 of them have been sexless as in less than twice a year.

I have kept hoping for a miracle and one day he will decide to either leave me or desire me. He tells me he loves me but there is no passion. I am not unattractive and I'm a curvy 9 stone so not overweight. But most of the time I feel so old and unattractive, I don't go out with girlfriends anymore as I freeze when any talk of sex comes into conversation, how their husbands won't leave them alone.

He works hard, a good dad, kind, wants to spend time with me but just doesn't like sex.

I'm so so sad, I like sex, everytime I think of my life without sex I feel overwhelming sadness, I cry often while alone.

He has had testosterone levels tested which were normal. We did try viagra, however he still has to want to have sex for it to work, clearly he didn't.

Are children are teens now so life is easier and I thought this would help but no, things are just the same, infact I feel worse as I am starting to have more time and energy back for me and the emptiness is so much more noticeable.

I have moments of needing to leave, I have moments of feeling absolute love for him. I am just lost and feeling worse every day.

My only other LTR was seven years with great sex but he was abusive and unfaithful. I can pick em!

Can I live without sex in an otherwise great marriage?

What does he say about it?

I think if hes been like this for 15 years, then this is how it is going to be. Youre not going to make him have a sex drive, and its perfectly normal and reasonable and natural for you to want an intimate sexual relationship.

Ive been in a sexless marriage and it nearly broke my spirit. Its no way to live. If I was in your shoes again, I think I would leave, but its a big step xx

Could he be gay?

Tbh I dont know how youve lasted 15 years feeling like this - you are clearly determined to make the marriage work. As theres been no improvement, and you have tried, theres no shame in ending the marriage OP.

He apologises while I cry. It's just not important to him.

I did ask him once if it would have been different if he married someone else and he replied "I don't know".

It's such a lonely problem, I don't feel like I can talk to friends as I just feel I am being disloyal to him. If I leave what would we say to the children?

You just say "Dad and I love one another but we arent in love with one another any more"

I have asked him if he was gay and he flatly denied it. If he is I feel sorry for both of us as he will never come out because of the nature of his work and his family.

I also dont think talking about it with a trusted friend ks disloyal to dh - you clearly need someone to talk to about this and its his too bad that he isnt able to be that person.

But I do love him, we have an affectionate relationship. Just no sex.

Would he go to counselling with you?

No, I have asked him about counselling but he won't. The GP did refer him when he went for tests but he just upped his game for a month of so and said "see, I don't need counselling" so didn't attend but we were back to normal after that and back to sometimes a year of no sex.

I just feel like I'm going around in circles.

Would counselling help me make sense of it? Relationship counselling or sex therapy?

I jist think if he cared enough about you to make this work he would do the counselling.

Penny I'm very good at putting on a brave face for months on end. He is oblivious because he isn't bothered, he doesn't count the months going by.

I have NC as I always do for these conversations. I have been with H for. 8 years and we were in your dynamic I counted the months and it ft to the point it was 8 months since he started anything.

He's physically healthy he just doesn't have that drive for sex. We had to have a really serious talk about it as I was unhappy but otherwise love him very deeply.

We work now in that if I ask because I need to have sex he listens and takes me seriously and we have a really good time. I compromise in not asking all the time. Sometimes we have a month with loads, other times we go three months. But I have some 'control' for want of a better word because he takes my needs seriously.

Is your H affectionate in between times? We make a real effort to have lots of kisses and hugs etc.

It's not how I imagined my sex lie would end up, I won't lie, but what we have now works for us. The rest of the relationship is literally spot on. We disagree but we talk and work things out together, we're partners. We keep talking. I'm not going to walk away because I'm not swinging from chandeliers every night, but I would have had to if we hadn't found our compromises and ways of talking about it.

I hope you can get your H to talk to you and find a way through.

Thanks notmyname that's really helpful.

I think I'm really struggling with self esteem. I don't see myself as a sexual being anymore.

Posted too soon. So asking him for sex feels like I'm putting him through a challenge.

I think some relationship counselling by yourself would be really helpful to clear your thoughts. It sounds like youre good friends, but havent been lovers for a long time and are really unlikely to become sexual partners again.

What happened three years into your relationship that the sex dwindled to nothing?

What do you want? Is a marriage about intimacy to you or are you contented to live without sex. When you answer the second question put aside what anyone else would think and only answer that question with complete guilt free thinking.

I suppose in my case I'm your DH.

I absolutely adore my DP, I love the bones of him. We're very affectionate with each other but I have zero interest in sex.

I haven't always been this way...we had a normal sex life for the first 3-6 months but my sex drive dropped off a cliff after that. And it's nothing to do with him at all; I still find him attractive.

I think it's a combination of various things...my anti-depressants, as you become more emotionally intimate there is naturally less passion/mystery/spontaneity.

Anyway....back to your issue...what exactly is it that you miss and can you find this through a combination of other things?

If you miss the physical orgasm....get a vibrator

If you miss feeling attractive to him....can you say that you understand he's not into sex but you need him to compliment you physically?

If you miss physical affection...can you work on kisses and cuddles without this leading to sex?

If you miss feeling like a sexual creature can you dress up for a night with the girls once a week and have a little flirt (nothing more obviously)?

Or a combination of all of these things?

ivykaty I stopped initiating sex after many rebuffs.

stumbly honestly I want it all. I have a vibrator but I miss feeling wanted and touched and touching him. He is quite sneaky in that he is very touchy if we are around people or even if the children are at home. It's as though he feels safe that it can't go further. We have plenty of alone time but he won't come near me then.

I miss feeling content. I'm always thinking what's wrong with me and how to fix it.

I know I sound self pitying but I don't know how to stop my self loathing. I know that this is about him not me. I really do but my inner voice won't have it. I really don't have a shred of confidence left.
I think I do need to go to counseling alone.

Where do I start to find a decent counsellor?

OP I feel for you. Your DH has unilaterally decided to make your marriage celibate, so you should feel able to unilaterally make it open.

Tell him that as sex isn't important to him, it shouldn't bother him if you get it with someone else, right? Time to take charge of this marriage, love, and stop waiting around for him to leave you. He's not going to leave you; he's got what he wants - a marriage where he doesn't need to give any affection.

Time to get what you want. You don't need to rub his nose in it, but pick up a fuck buddy or two and get out there.

Or just leave, because he clearly couldn't give two tin shits about your feelings or needs.

OP, I really feel for you. When I was in my sexless marriage, I pretended and pretended to myself that it was fine - it wasnt. I pretended it was only a small problem - it wasnt, it was a big problem that was on my mind every day. It made me doubt my worth, my attractiveness - not just physically but everything about me. My confidence and self esteem was on the floor and I was constantly emotionally and sexually frustrated and hurt.

I think its actually awful to live with someone you love and are physically attracted to but cannot be physically intimate with them - or with anyone else. I mean you get used to it to a certain extent, but its miserable

thank you for all your kind words. I need to sort out what I need and want and how to get there. I've got a lot of thinking to do.

I'm in a similar situation. We are in the process of splitting up but I have massive doubts as the relationship is so good otherwise. No advice I'm afraid. People who say get a lover, I'd love to know how! We've been together 15 years and I have no idea where to start!