Totally lost with sexless marriage.

[1Fortheroad]

I've been married for 18 years and 15 of them have been sexless as in less than twice a year.

I have kept hoping for a miracle and one day he will decide to either leave me or desire me. He tells me he loves me but there is no passion. I am not unattractive and I'm a curvy 9 stone so not overweight. But most of the time I feel so old and unattractive, I don't go out with girlfriends anymore as I freeze when any talk of sex comes into conversation, how their husbands won't leave them alone.

He works hard, a good dad, kind, wants to spend time with me but just doesn't like sex.

I'm so so sad, I like sex, everytime I think of my life without sex I feel overwhelming sadness, I cry often while alone.

He has had testosterone levels tested which were normal. We did try viagra, however he still has to want to have sex for it to work, clearly he didn't.

Are children are teens now so life is easier and I thought this would help but no, things are just the same, infact I feel worse as I am starting to have more time and energy back for me and the emptiness is so much more noticeable.

I have moments of needing to leave, I have moments of feeling absolute love for him. I am just lost and feeling worse every day.

My only other LTR was seven years with great sex but he was abusive and unfaithful. I can pick em!

Can I live without sex in an otherwise great marriage?

Can I just ask those of you who are in a sexless marriage what your DH said when you asked about it? When I've tried to speak with my DH about it he says that he wants to do it more. Sometimes we'll DTD a few times in the week or so after a conversation about it, but then it stops, sometimes for months (generally when I raise the issue again). All attempts for me to initiate in the past have fallen on deaf ears or have occasionally been mocked, so I've given up now. If he said that he didn't want to DTD then it would be easier for me to deal with than the crumbs I get every now and again.

With him saying that he wants to do it more I think it would really upset him if I did seek fulfillment elsewhere and would probably end the marriage.

Sminky - exactly same position as you. For me it's been going on about 6 of the 7 years we've been together. It only gets better temporarily after a breakdown from me.

His reaction is always that he wants me just has been stressed and busy with work or is a bit too tired to think about it. I'd be almost okay with that if I didn't occasionally find porn on his pc or he didn't insist that he does want me and we'll start having a normal sex life again soon.

Following this thread I think we're gonna have to have another talk tonight hopefully I'll get more than the normal useless response

Yes areyoucrazy sometimes it does just feel like a chore which is soul destroying. In fact I can't remember a time in the last 8 years, probably more, that it wasn't like that.

Rollergirl I've asked DH about porn, I've never seen any evidence of it. He says he doesn't use it, I don't have any access to his computer etc. To be honest I believe him, apart from very occasional extraordinarily long "showers" and "trips to the bathroom" I don't think he looks after himself that often either (sorry for tmi).

Thank areyoucrazy. I cross posted with you before and you summed it up well.

The sad thing is my partner, and most discussed on this thread, seem to really love us and not want to hurt us or are feelings but it's the expectation and hope things might get better which really crushes me.

Are - our. I hate mistakes like that

Does your husband know about your lover?

To be honest my self esteem is on the floor so I doubt it's a route I'd take.

Do you feel bad for deceiving him? I think I would and I really want a proper relationship with him so it would almost feel like settling.

Hopefully you don't feel bad and don't let my post make up. I'm envious that you've found a solution.

Part of me is in bits as I genuinely believe if we broke up and he was with another woman they'd have a normal sex life. I just have an intuition that that would be the case but it might just be my self esteem

Think we are down to 3 or 4 times a year at the moment so not completely sexless but might as well be

Problem is I love my partner and they are my best friend as well just that our sex drives have gone in complete opposite directions

Think the discreet friend with benefits option needs discussing a little more seriously as I am not sure it was taken seriously the last time I mentioned it

Other than that I guess the only other option is leave but I really don't want to do that

Zombies I'm in a similar situation to you. I really don't want to leave.

I did mention the possibility of a fwb a while ago and DH was horrified. To be honest I don't know if I could go through with it anyway. If he was honest with me and said he doesn't want sex it would be easier. When he says he does it gives me a glimmer of hope that's always at the back of my mind so I'd feel like I was being unreasonable if that makes sense.

9yrs and nothing. When I read about you that have sex a couple of times a year, I am jealous.

It's a difficult situation isn't it sminkypinky

When you have been with someone a long time, would do anything for them, support them through all the crap life seems to throw there way and are best friends the thought of getting what's lacking in your relationship somewhere else is really difficult

But I am now at the stage where I am starting to after 9 years of a crap sex life realise it's either change things with a FWB situation or think seriously about leaving

It is difficult, to make things more complicated I have a 1 year old (miracle) ds so it would feel like a petty reason to split the family over.

I think I need to work on accepting that things aren't going to change at home now. I had the discussion with DH last night prompted by this thread and got the same responses as usual. There's the little voice that keeps saying that maybe he does want to change, once I can shut that out ill be able to think how I can move forward.

OP....

Does your DH understand HOW important this is to you?

Since sex isn't important to him he might have a hard time understanding how important it is to you unless you really spell it out to him. Have you ever had a conversation where you spell out that the situation is making you consider leaving?

Have you spoken to him about having sex therapy? If so...what did he say?

I think what it boils down to is needing sex with a partner you love, it just feels empty otherwise, just my opinion of course. Everyone's different though, thank goodness.

stum OP did ask him, he said no about therapy.

I guess I'm wondering if he realises that the choice is therapy OR break up though?

Speaking as someone with a low sex drive it would be easy for me to not understand how important sex is....this thread has been pretty eye opening for me to be honest...