Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Sex

You need to have been registered for 7 days to post in the Sex forum. Please don’t send unwanted PMs to other users.

Original poster

DP doesn't like condoms.

44 replies

Kerantli · 09/12/2015 16:25

Bit of background; been with DP almost 4 years, in that time been on implant and the Pill, didn't use condoms in that time (both of us are STI free, and have obviously been exclusive for all 4 years).

I came off the pill at the beginning of November mainly because I didn't have a period in the 2 years I was on it, but also because I hated the random mood swings I was having on them. In that time DP and I have had sex twice (once without a condom, once with) then mutual masturbation twice (both times the mutual masturbation was after I had initiated it.)

In the end I demanded asked him why he didn't want to have sex with me, and his excuse was "I lose all sensation down there" and "One time in the past I lost my erection half way through and worried it'll happen again".

I'm just wondering if anyone else has had this problem with their DP/DH, and what did they do about it, as if it happens again, I will be breaking out my toys and just ignoring him Grin

(any LTB comments will be ignored unless it's in jest Wink)

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 09/12/2015 20:12

He's being a dickhead. Either he gets used to condoms or he can do without PIV.

What you could do, if you think he deserves a bit of coaxing rather than a good kick in the cock, would be to experiment with different types and brands of condoms as some are (apparently) better in terms of sensation/look/even smell than others are. Check out some of the sex blogs or sex shop review sites, like Lovehoney or Cara Sutra for ideas.

Owllady · 09/12/2015 20:16

What she said

expatinscotland · 09/12/2015 20:16

What Solid said. There are different brands out there.

But you'll get someone along telling you to get a coil or injection instead or try different pills.

howtorebuild · 09/12/2015 20:17

Do you want a baby?

expatinscotland · 09/12/2015 20:18

Condoms are a reliable form of contraception. Hmm

lucymootoo · 09/12/2015 20:20

I don't understand why people get so angry when a male says they don't like condoms. I'm female and I don't like them!

I think you need to sit down and have a proper chat about it. If he genuinely doesn't like having sex with one on and will lose his erection half way through then it will not be pleasurable for yourself either. Long term no PIV probably isn't sustainable if your used to doing it regularly.

expatinscotland · 09/12/2015 20:22

'I don't understand why people get so angry when a male says they don't like condoms.'

Because the OP doesn't like hormonal contraception, either.

slugseatlettuce · 09/12/2015 20:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 09/12/2015 20:29

My DP doesn't get on with them either. Had a couple of disappointing experiences in the beginning which I put down to nerves or death grip while single.

For 3 years we haven't done PIV unless a day or 2 either side of my period, which has worked well. We enjoy other things and still get the 'real' thing occasionally although I'm happy with 5 mins of that and then an hour of the good stuff!

He has recently tried them again after discussions about the coil/sterilisation etc and found them less of a problem than before. Still doesn't usually finish with it but can at least keep it going for a reasonable time.

I can totally believe that they reduce sensation. Imagine covering your clit with one and then trying to make it feel as nice, it just wouldn't.

scaevola · 09/12/2015 20:39

If he has suffered ED only once, and has attributed that to condom use, then I can see why he is anxious. And anxiety worsens ED, and it's all a downwards spiral.

I do not think the 'good kick in the cock' approach is likely to help when dealing with ED. Reassurance might help, but ultimately, he needs to see his GP to be referred for specialist counselling.

If he is not willing to do that, then the time may have come for the kicking.

cowbag1 · 09/12/2015 20:41

I think it should rather be a case of he doesn't like condoms so what is he going to do about it?

Why is the onus on you to find a solution when he is the one ruling options out?

slugseatlettuce · 09/12/2015 20:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dementedma · 09/12/2015 20:52

I hate condoms too so can't really blame him for that one.

0verNow · 09/12/2015 20:56

But if it's just that he doesn't like condoms for PIV, why is he also avoiding all other forms of sexual contact?

Original poster
Kerantli · 09/12/2015 21:00

Not drip posting, honest!

I have problems with latex condoms (really bad thrush, or something along those lines), so latex free ones are the only ones we can use.

I'm not angry at him not liking them, I also don't like condoms, but I know that needs must for the moment due to not being on any other contraceptive (I want a year without any hormonal ones then look at options after the year is up, unless of course, we do then have a baby, then it'll be after that if it happens.)

We have had conversations about children, as well as me having two boys already, it'll either happen or it won't happen.

The reason I put the contraceptive issue down to me, is because in the long run, it is me that has to take it, or have it in my body. Essentially, I could go back on the implant if I chose, as the only side effects I had on that was horrible PMS (including temper tantrums, not a good look on someone in their late 20s!)

OP posts:
cowbag1 · 09/12/2015 21:07

What I mean is, if condoms are the only form of contraception you are able to use, then the onus should be on him to find a type of condom he's happy with, practice on his own with them, see the doctor if it's true ED etc.

Too often the common view is that it's a woman's responsibility to sort contraception and to make it as easy for the man as possible, regardless of the impact on the woman.

I don't see why you are considering putting your body through various unpleasant side effects when he hasn't tried any of the above ideas?

VOyageOfDad · 09/12/2015 21:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Kerantli · 09/12/2015 21:28

Don't get me wrong, I see where he's coming from, we talk about sex and contraceptive rather flippantly most of the time like he's just remembered that the condom he used when he went soft was a menthol one from a pubs toilet!

If there was an alternative for him to take that isn't the snip, he'd be happy to do that. For me (and him) the snip is a last resort, and only be discussed later on like 20 years down the line

We could try other brands, but trying to find latex free ones is like trying to find a bone needle in a haystack, that, and our sex drives have been all over the shop, which is why I've been the one to initiate sex or sexual contact recently as we're both on ADs for anxiety and depression which was the reason for the sex drive being all over the shop in the first place, with the pill being the other culprit of a low sex drive for me.

OP posts:
PrimeDirective · 09/12/2015 23:07

Have you considered trying a diaphragm?

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 09/12/2015 23:53

Prime, I asked my GP about the diaphragm but she said they don't really recommend them any more due to being less reliable than other forms of contraception. And a bit of a faff. TBH the data I've seen doesn't look much worse than most other forms if used improperly (which most probably are!) and even when used properly it's only a few % difference between them all, but I guess each one of those % is an unwanted pregnancy!

My GP talked me into a copper coil but I backed out as it was due to be fitted just before our holiday and I didn't want to spoil it if I had any probs, so we've gone back to winging it natural methods.

It might be worth asking about the cap but I think they must be incentivised to offer certain things and not others, so maybe look at getting it online.

However, that still puts the onus on OP rather than her DP to be responsible for contraception. It needs pre-planning so not much spontaneity, so not trouble free.

TendonQueen · 10/12/2015 00:29

Don't get why he was using one from a pub toilet if you need them to be latex free.

ijustwannadance · 10/12/2015 00:53

Durex do a decent latex free. Avanti? Expensive though. Also, if you don't have a latex allergy it might be the lube they use on the condoms that causes the thrush.

Original poster
Kerantli · 10/12/2015 02:55

should be asleep but isn't

I missed one vital bit of information with the menthol condom thing, that wasn't with me, that was with an ex of his a long time ago.

As for the latex free thing, it might have been the spermicide they use, but I'm not really wanting to find out if it is that, or if it is the latex, as my reactions are quite bad and can end up with no sex for weeks to a month, then we're back at the start with two condoms we can't use.

We do have a pack of the latex free ones in the bedroom, even if they are currently in an awkward place I should really move them

The other thing I've been looking at is femidoms, but not entirely sure if I'd get on with them either, and according to the NHS website I may not be able to use the cap or diaphragm because of either the latex or spermicide reactions.

OP posts:
Quodlibet · 10/12/2015 02:58

If your cycle is regular, have you looked at temping/charting as a form of contraception? You have to be very diligent and obviously use other protection for about 5 days of the month. But it's a workable solution for some couples depending on circumstance and your acceptance of some level of risk. Have a look at Taking Care of your Fertility by Toni somethingorother.

wallywobbles · 10/12/2015 03:58

I use a copper coil. No issues long term and same situation as yours. There is some adjustment in your periods but nothing end of the world.

This topic prevents users from posting on it until they have been members for at least 7 days.