Condoms - Y/N?

[Confusedfedup]

I'm sexually inexperienced and have just left a sexless marriage. I have been seeing a new guy for 3+ months, we're both in our late 30s.

He says he doesnt like condoms as he comes early with them so prefers sex without them. No STD issues etc and we are exclusive. I'm not sure whether I am ok with this as i dont know if this is normal? I have an appointment to see about female contraception but i'd just like to know if this is an issue for men generally?

i find i am worrying and distracted with it more each time and i am getting increasingly turned off as i really dont want to get pregnant.

So stop fucking having unprotected sex, you wally!!
If you didn't know that you can get pregnant having sex, you shouldn't be fucking having sex!!

AF and OutToGetYou speak sense. You sound really invested in this relationship, when perhaps it should be more about what he is bringing to you at this stage. Keep things on your terms.

Don't worry about not understanding withdrawal - you know now :)

Typically, you don't want to be doing a lot of running around and research and "understanding" in a new relationship. It should be fun and carefree - not stressful and confusing (even if the stress is only limited to one issue). I would have done this myself in the past, and thought that it was a totally normal thing to do, and that anybody who ended a relationship over it was being heartless, and poor bloke, he can't help having his own issues, and does that mean that anybody who isn't totally "perfect" doesn't deserve a relationship?

(It doesn't mean that. It means that when considerate people have issues of their own, they don't place them in their new partner's lap and wait for them to sort them out or get used to them, they work on them for themselves and get themselves ready for a relationship.)

Secondly google is a rubbish place to look for sex/relationship advice because there is so much crap and weird myths floating around on the internet. Trusted sources only! Wikipedia has good info on contraception and so does the NHS website. I really like www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/ for relationship advice and mumsnet in general gives good advice especially over the course of a thread - not always in the first few posts, but once there's been a chance for myths to be corrected.

Don't fall into the trap of clinging wildly onto the first man who has treated you nicely. Have high standards! Your life is really, really important. Who you choose to share it with is also important. :)

Good luck!

This, for example, is great.

(I like the questions at the end especially)

Whoa, this took off a bit!

Confused, I agree with AF, stop trying to fix his problem - there is plenty that can be done for erection problems and premature ejaculation. If either are a problem for him, than he should seek help for it and not pressure in to something you are not comfortable with.

I find i am worrying and distracted with it more each time and i am getting increasingly turned off as i really dont want to get pregnant.
The single most important sexual organ lives between your ears and not your legs - sex should be fun and carefree and not fraught and full of anxiety and expectation.

The condom issue is a red herring (apologies for my flippancy upthread; there are different sizes available), but you need to examine your boundaries and how far you are comfortable for somebody else to determine what you are doing.

Bertie, epic x-post
Great minds!

Honestly? People like him are the ones ringing alarm bells because if he doesn't want to use them with you, he hasn't used them
With previous partners which makes him far more of an sti risk.

Honestly a good friend of ours was awful for this. His wife (then gf) was so chuffed when she "accidentally" feel pregnant after a few months of dating. She was easily the 5th woman he'd got pregnant. Don't make the mistake of thinking he's any different with you than he was with the others

So you've both had a full sexual health screening then!? As responsible adults embarking on a new relationship do.

Op, others have spoken about why he's a higher STI risk due to his very vocal dislike of condoms.

If you genuinely believe that the sensation of tightness may be causing him to either lose his erection or have premature ejaculation (I wouldn't) then look into using the female condom (Femidom is the most well known brand.) The condom is much looser as it goes inside you, and you are still protected from STI or pregnancy.

Thanks all for your response.

My thinking was that there's the one condom option for men and quite a few options for women so because condoms dont work for him i will look into the options for me. It seemed logical my mind. No?

I fully intend to address this as its not working for me the way it is. Thanks for telling me like it is, i get it.

You are incredibly naive and yes this guy will definitely have been sticking his dick into as many women as he can without a condom. You sound very foolish if you're letting him spin you that line.

I read something the other day which said that the withdrawal method was at least as effective as condoms in preventing pregnancy. Shall see if I can find it.

But as others have said, it is very likely he has been sticking it in other women without a condom. I would have reservations about his status in terms of stds

OP you're willing to believe in his inability to use condoms because you're terrified of being alone (according to your past threads). You're so relieved that you've found someone to save you from facing the world alone that you're willing to put your health at risk.

Listen a lot of guys don't like condoms because they prefer the feeling of sex without one, guys like this will sometimes say whatever they think is needed to persuade the woman they're with to not use one. Because that's more important to them than the womans concerns. Guys that think with their dicks aren't concerned with sti's or whether they're putting the woman at risk. If God forbid he did discover he had something he'd probably blame you as he's been so careful (yeah right ) and has managed to convince you that sti's aren't a concern.

For those with a negative STI test, there is still mycoplasma genitalis - being more responsible does not guarantee safety sadly.

You can see the red flags waving OP, and you're choosing to ignore them. That's your choice, but it doesn't actually stop them being there.

Dowager, no honestly i wont be ignoring them. I didnt listen to advice on mumsnet once before and lost two years of my life. I am stronger and fully intend to address this. I am not sure the answer is to leave him without trying to deal with it, afterall i was party to the decision to do this. However, if he doesnt deal with it in a reasonable manner i am prepared to show him the door.

I mean it, thank you everyone for you honest resposes and straight talking, this is exactly what i needed and why i come on here. I don't speak to anyone in real life about my life or problems and only have mumsnet for support and advice and it is my lifeline. But please also know that I do have a brain and it is in generally good working order so i will use it and not take on others' opinions without questions. But i also know that my brain is properly shit in relation to life skills, i recognise this and i do listen.

and much love each

With apologies for not having read the whole thread..

I like condoms because they are the only easily available contraceptive that the man shares responsibility for. I use them in a ltr (exclusive, married, children), because they're the best option for me. I took the pill for years, it made my sex drive really low and I never liked the idea of increasing my chances of various cancers either. As far as I'm concerned, if dh doesn't like condoms he can have a vasectomy or have an implant or whatever else is available - he chooses condoms.

In your situation, I'd be absolutely insisting on them at this stage. You can't help wonder how many women this man might have persuaded to have unprotected sex with him..

Right, I'm off to rtft now :)

You have reacted angrily to posters asking about STI checks but haven't answered- have you both definitely had them since being exclusive? The last guy I dated had a condom issue find me a fucking man who doesn't for the love of God and told me he had an STI test when he hadn't. Don't assume anyone is telling the truth if they say they definitely don't have anything. Men have said that to me before and what they mean is they like to believe they don't have anything without any evidence for that assertion, whereas stupid me (in my younger years) assumed that meant they have had a recent STI test since their last partner.

Hi all, i just wanted to update you on this.... it's over.

I had a discussion with him and he said he understood. And it was fine during the week, till we met on the weekend. After foreplay he said well i better put a condom on and he did and as soon as he did he lost his errection, so more foreplay and then he got the errection back but came quite quickly. This is what happened before.

Afterwards i asked he is thinking about it too much so it happens and has he seen a doctor for it. He responded that no he's not thinking about it - which i dont believe, heck, even i was thinking about it - and then he said there's nothing really wrong with him its just the condom.

I realised then that i had to decided between unprotected sex or bad sex - neither appealed to me. I ended it during the week the following week.

Again, thanks so much for your advice and straight-talking xxxx

Sorry he turned out to be a no - but probably for the best. Well done for standing up for what you want!