Condoms - Y/N?

[Confusedfedup]

I'm sexually inexperienced and have just left a sexless marriage. I have been seeing a new guy for 3+ months, we're both in our late 30s.

He says he doesnt like condoms as he comes early with them so prefers sex without them. No STD issues etc and we are exclusive. I'm not sure whether I am ok with this as i dont know if this is normal? I have an appointment to see about female contraception but i'd just like to know if this is an issue for men generally?

Took me a while to figure that pic out!

Reminds me of the time when I handed out condoms in Uganda and all the men claimed they (the condoms) were too small for them (the men and their ENORMOUS penises - apparently): they shut up when we started blowing them up. Happy days

I swear someone put one on their head once on TV as well and then put a hose inside it and nearly drowned I think it was Jackass or something equally stupid!

But yes, they really can stretch. As teenagers a friend and I blew one up and jumped on it, it didn't pop until friend #2 stabbed it with her long nails.

Men who are larger can suffer from using "normal" condoms (i.e. typical high street brands), particularly if it is girth where they are larger. The ring at the base can be very restricting and uncomfortable, and some men can struggle to even get the condoms on or actually feel pain during sex because of the restriction (and can cause problems with erection loss etc).

So yes, someone may be able to get their foot into one BUT that does not mean it is comfortable, or more importantly safe. Poorly fitting condoms are more prone to damage; too small and you risk tearing, too large and they can slip off.

Anyone having sex should be able to feel comfortable, and secure. This is something you should work together to achieve. If someone isn't enjoying sex because of how a condom fits them then there is a simple solution - buy some that fit properly (big or small)!!

Try www.theyfit.co.uk/ or www.mysize-condoms.com/

OP, do not double up on condoms, it makes them unsafe.

If you are happy and secure that this man is honest about his STI status (and yours), and you want to investigate other methods of contraceptive then that is entirely your choice. If, like in my case, you find yourself unable to use alternative contraception you may end up back to using condoms anyway so you might want to address any issues you have now.

where have you gone, op ?

You have had great advice here, op!

Withdrawal method = do you want an sti/a baby?

Your boyfriend is being immature and selfish. Use a condom till you have both had an sti check.

If he is genuine he will go and get std check and so should you. Then go and sort long term contraception out. Never double up.

Wow thanks for all your comments. Re STD i didnt respond as i'd mentioned that in my OP.

I got the pic! and the message!

I dint realise that about the withdrawal method, i looked up pre-cum but not that i could still get pregnant. No i dont want a baby.

Right, what i want to know is why do you think he's lying? as i've seen the 'issues' with condoms first hand? btw as i said before i am looking into female contraception, seeing the doc next week. but regardless i want to understand his problem with contraception.

AF, why do you think i have 'use me' tatooed on my forehead? you are right that i am inexperienced in relationships as well as sex, but what did i say that makes you say that? so fyi- not sure that it matters in the context of the issue i'm here to understand but a bit of a background. we are exclusive, he was single and he's introduced me to his sibling, closest friend and colleagues whilst i've only told one of my best friends about him given that i am just out of a ltr.

Your naivety...

Not realising that the withdrawal method is risking pregnancy.
Immediately believing that his premature ejaculation problem is as a result of using condoms when the most common complaint with their use is a lack of sensitivity, not that they cause a hair trigger issue
Your willingness to take full responsibility for contraception after such a short relationship

"But what can we do about the problems he has when we've used condoms -losing errection and coming too quickly."

Er, let me see... He could take responsibility instead of blaming the condoms? He could go and see his GP about erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation. They're pretty common problems, nothing to be embarrassed about.

The thing is, it's so much easier for him to put the responsibility on you, isn't it?

Having said that, if you don't want to get pregnant, it's probably wise to use another contraceptive method in addition to condoms. And no, the "withdrawal method" is not a method.

Do you trust him 100% about the STI test? Do you think there's a chance he could have lied about it because he wanted to stop using condoms?

Have you seen evidence of the results of his STI check ?

I'd be petrified using the withdrawal method with someone who had premature ejaculation.

AF, true regarding withdrawal method.

Re the losing errection/premature ejaculation - well, without a condom he's lasted quite long....whereas with condoms there is almost always a problem. i didnt agree to this straight away but only after repeat problems with them on.

in all honesty, what i really want is a female contraception and a condom as i really dont want to get pregnant! but i'm trying to understand why he has the problem. am i not getting what people are saying or do i not see an answer or at least possible answers to that?

Emma, thanks for the rest of the post. but fucking enough with the STD's already! should i be posting the results on here? i'd rather people help sort the problem i'm here about!

Look love, you are just out of a long term sexless relationship

Do you really need this ?

Already you are looking for ways for you to fix his problem

Does that seem good to you ?

fusspot66
"I'd be petrified using the withdrawal method with someone who had premature ejaculation"
Lol! Good point!

"Emma, thanks for the rest of the post. but fucking enough with the STD's already! should i be posting the results on here? i'd rather people help sort the problem i'm here about!"
No need to "fucking" address me like that. It was AF who asked if you'd seen the results. I just asked if you trust him. I took the time to write a reply and worded it pretty kindly, even though I think you're a FUCKING fool.

"i'm trying to understand why he has the problem. am i not getting what people are saying or do i not see an answer or at least possible answers to that?"
We're not doctors or sex therapists, we haven't spoken to the guy, so we can't tell you why he has a problem. He could tel you if he was interested in finding out. But he's not, is he? He'd rather risk pregnancy with the withdrawal "method" than take responsibility and go to his GP.

If you want to use your own contraception plus condoms, do that. Don't be a doormat. Plenty of other men will be happy to have sex with you on those terms.

Try the Femidom, female condom.

My husband and I don't use condoms ( we have been together about 20 years) sometimes we will use the withdrawal method - We have six children - there is a connection.

I think it is quite early in the relationship not to be using a barrier method of contraception never mind any form of contraception.

You also do seem to be very naïve. In your situation I would be using condoms and my own form of contraception.

googling the problem it appears it is fairly common so i didnt know what to make of it.

i've spent the last week thinking i was pregnant i will be taking a test and seeing the doctor to check it out to be absolutely sure.

So AF, no it's not good and it pisses me off. i'm not trying to fix his problem but i am trying to understand it because i want to. we're good apart from this issue but i find i am worrying and distracted with it more each time and i am getting increasingly turned off as i really dont want to get pregnant.

Emma, i am going to insist on a condom from tomorrow till i see the doc next week let's see what problems come up and then see if he has ever seen a doctor about this.

Whatever the outcome, I wont be using the withdrawal 'method'! I didnt know then but i do now [feeling stupid face].

If he doesn't like using condoms with you, he has not been using them with others either. He could carry a STI and not know about it.
Some of them are real nasty and may have serious consequences. Condom all the way.

I wonder if he knew how risky the withdrawal method was and just didn't care. ..

He wouldn't be the one dealing with the physical reality of an unwanted pregnancy would he ? That's just what you need after what you have been through

Lovey, the early stages of a normal relationship shouldn't be filled with worry and stress

They should be light, and fun, and easy

This sounds fucking miserable to me. You deserve fun.

Currently 34weeks pregnant using withdrawal! It is not safe or reliable!

It seem like he doesn't like comdoms some men don't, my husband is one of them. I think you need to make yourself more aware of your own sexual health and be more aware of what risks you are taking.

Op- it's strange that you haven't directly answered about having std checks.

Pp are right- don't double up on condoms but you can get different sizes.

You can't trust a man who doesn't like condoms not to have an STI.

You can't trust a man with premature ejaculation issues to withdraw in time.

Possible STI + possible pregnancy = thoroughly unenjoyable sex life.

You deserve better than this - he isn't even attempting to meet you half way.

Think about this:

The next few years go well. You go on some form of contraception, sex is great.

You get married, you have kids.

You now need to address the contraception issue again as things have changed. Your body has changed. Your tolerances have changed.

You can no longer use hormonal contraception (waves).

You try the coil for a few years but it doesn't suit you.

You're both early 40s. DH decides he's too young for a vasectomy - I mean, what if you and the kids all died in a car crash, he doesn't want to lose the opportunity to start again.

Buy you really really can't afford to get pregnant again, both financially and physically.

Condoms only option. Back to square one.

Honestly, the type of guy who doesn't see this as much his issue as yours, right now, just isn't worth the headspace. Let alone the bed space.