Have I scared him away?

[Vanillaswirl]

So I met this guy late spring, we hit it off straightaway. I gave him my phone number and 3 days later he sent me a text and a pic of himself on the day. He drove down to see me, I live about 100 miles from him and we had a lovely lunch. He told me quite a bit about himself and asked gingerly about myself. I am married with kids but live a very separate life from my husband. Long history of cheating on his side and we have decided to just stay together for the kids and the life we have built together but the sex isn't there nor is any intimacy both emotionally and otherwise. I feel so much anger how he has betrayed me over the years and I feel I cannot open up with him. I feel so lonely at times and I don't know where to turn.

Please don't shoot me down!

New guy knows about me being married and having kids.

We got along so well, share mutual interests and there is so much chemistry. He is a few years younger than me. He was in a 6 year relationship and proposed which she accepted then she moved to the other side of the world. Understandably he was crushed, this was 2 years ago.

He said he's happy with his life, to be on his own and wants to focus on his career. He is a professional athlete and wants to make the years he has got left in his career count.

He invited me up to his pad and barbecued for me. We kissed and he wanted more but I slowed him down. We stayed in touch and he was interested in me, told me how much he fancies me, how classy I am, teased me gently and made me laugh.

I travelled in the summer and so did he so 4 months passed without seeing each other but we spoke ever other day.

Fast forward last week and after a lot of build up we slept together. It was the most amazing sex and he asked me if he is having an affair with a married woman, teasing me and enjoying how liberated I was in bed. He spoke about his mum asking him when he was going to have a girlfriend again and when I suggested he look among some of the staff or younger girls around him he scoffed and said he had high standards and wants something different.

We parted and he asked when he'd see me again but I kept him hanging as I am quite busy with the kids and I life in general.

On Monday I went out with girlfriends, my husband had been on me all day annoying me and I got absolutely trashed. I then sent New Man a long winded whatsapp text with a picture of my stockings and how I can't stop thinking about him and his thing and how I want him to pry me away and how I know he has been hurt and I wouldn't hurt him and where is this going I want more shit.

I know I was stupid. He responds to my texts immediately and said it was not that easy, the season was just getting going and he has tournaments every day (which I can check and he is right).

I haven't had response to the emotional cap I wrote and I don't think I'll get it. I really really like him. I am seriously thinking about divorce, I am starting to think that I no longer want to live without sex or intimacy, without someone who hugs me or appreciates me. Husband couldn't care less, he said no to counselling and I know for a fact he wouldn't care about me going off with another guy. He suggested an open marriage in the first place.

I am in my early 30s, I feel so lost and now I have fucked this up as well. Please tell me what to do. Should I just not bring it up again when he comes back? Should I just go for the amazing sex and connection?

He is a scorp sun and I am a scorp moon the understanding and chemistry is amazing. We are from very different social classes and he adores my refined ways and teases me whereas I love how easy he is to get along with and how much he's got a grip of his life, he makes it look so easy!

The sex was out of this world, so much pent up passion and we just melted into each other, he is spiritual and gentle yet can hold all of me and dominate me.

Sorry for the long ramble. I feel I have told him I want more and I feel he has kept quiet. I am scared I have messed this up. I have never done this in 10 years of marriage and I want to right this. What do I do?

Just to clarify: "where is this going, I want more" shit. Anything else would be weird..

I posted this in sex not relationships because I don't think I have enough hard hats for the lashing I would receive on that forum. And it is mainly about sex, I fancy the pants off of him but I have realized I want more.

He wanted an affair with a married woman, no ties. You changed the game. He wants out.

I think it sounds like you want more from this than he does.

If you can accept a sexual and friendly relationship with him without the possibility of it leading to more, then go to it. But it sounds like you're investing far too much in this emotionally, and you're going to get hurt.

I also think you could be putting more into this than its really worth in the hope that a relationship with him would give you the impetus to leave your H.

If you want to divorce, then do it. I personally couldn't live with someone and not have sex with them. If you can part amicably and with both of you putting your DCs needs first, it doesn't have to be ugly.

It sounds like it Alice, doesn't it? Can I take it back? I meant what I said though. Never cheated before, never wanted to. I know he'll come back casual. Should play along?

You sum it up pocket, I have fallen for this man, I don't want to change a bit about him. He seems cool about kids and husband bit but I feel I have put my cards on the table too early. What do I do know? I know dead cert he will contact me. He's riding at races every day this week but will contact me once he has a day off.

He wanted an easy affair. He wanted to avoid all of this heartache and effort, so he chose a married woman. It didn't work and you have feelings for him anyway. You both know that now.

In the short term, it suits you both to just ignore it, which is likely what will happen.

In the long term, if you keep meeting him, it'll be nigh on impossible to stop your feelings for him. He's made it clear that he wanted no strings fun, with no possible future. He's even gently prepared you that he will start looking for a girlfriend soon.

You need to make a decision about your marriage, it clearly isn't working, and about how hurt you are willing to be before you walk away. There's no happy ending here even if he does see perfect.

He's not ''spiritual''. He had sex with you and then basically wound down or cut back the communication. That is about as far away from "spiritual" as I can fathom.

NOPE. he's not. I wouldn't stay with your h ''for the kids''. That is such a big mistake. Minimise the impact of splitting as MUCH as you possibly can. then when you are free you will be able to do things on your own terms.

Apologise for the drunken ramble.

Tell him you're leaving your husband and acknowledge this may be a game-changer for him but you can't live in a loveless marriage and you are doing it regardless of what happens with him in the future.

Then move on from your husband and start a new life.

Oh and don't feel bad about the drunken ramble - I cringe when I think of the shit I've put out there whilst under the influence of alcohol and drunken girlfriends!

I left my dh earlier in the year following a emotional affair with a old friend, dh and I were over a long time ago but we stayed together for the kids, I missed the sex, the cuddles and the attention from a man, I bumped in to a old friend one night, we flirted a lot ( just like old times ), we exchanged numbers and I felt chemistry between us, eventually I kicked dh out and I ended up in bed with this bloke, the sex was amazing, he was very affectionate and treated me well when I was with him. It didn't last and he wouldn't take thing further due to my situation ( kids, age gap, the fact he had been on his own for a long time ), I felt very rejected .

I did get over it and now I realise that I didn't really have feelings for him, I just wanted some one to want me, someone to make me feel special because my relationship with dh was so awful ( no affection what so ever ).

If you want to leave your dh then go ahead but don't do it because you want to be with this bloke, do it for you, because your dh isn't giving you what you need, don't expect this man to want a relationship, chances are he's just after sex, someone to entertain him between training and working.

Apologise for the drunken message.
Leave your husband and set up on your own.
Who knows what will happen next but it has to be better than where you are now.

Thank you ladies, I hear you. He's had races all week and is free from Sunday so shall keep you posted once he replies.

Susie, My husband has suggested other men fir me and if he found out I know for a fact he would get off on it. It's like it turns him on someone else wanting me and I don't want that. I'm a very private person and I don't want to share what I love. I no longer love my husband. I have never cheated on him before and I just want a quiet, intense love life with a man I love. We've tried swinging (watching) but it's not for me. I feel inhibited watching him getting my free on with someone. I have never wanted anyone else buy he won't stop cheating and it has run its course

I really like New Guy and he asked me questions like would I like anymore kids, what do I think I will do post divorce, he hangs around me when I pick up my phone and watches over my shoulder when I reply to friends.

That girlfriend thing and his mum asking questions is weird. I asked him if he was a player and he said no, he is too fussy he said. He is a jockey so I know he's probably as bad as they come.

I gave him some oud coz I lived in the Middle East for a while and he was very touched when he remembered our last conversation speaking about it. He has exactly the same books as me on his night table. Paulo Coelho, etc.

I sent him a text tonight saying I'm sorry and let's keep things simple. He's racing tomorrow so I won't get a reply as he's already in bed. He's just so damn dishy and I like how well he treats me. My husband treats me like shit, is emotionally abusive and cold.

We have just bought a house together, I am scared he's going to take the kids. I have just been prescribed escitalopram to deal with major anxiety. Husband is a psychopath, he will hurt me if I try and walk. I brought it up and he said he'll never divorce me, ai can have a boyfriend but I will die with his last name.

Leave your H first. I'm ''dating'' and I give a wide berth to anybody not divorced (ie, ''separated''), to most people it's going to scream neither here nor there. So, separate, nail your colours to the mast. ie, I am divorced!
there's no shame in it. I'm so much happier now...........omg. Different set of circs. My xh was always bugging me for sex even though he hated me. He was verbally, and emotionally and financially abusive. so, as you can imaginge no regrets. The adjustment is the hard part. Not the aftermath.

Don't stay for the children. My children are doing well at school,they are happy, they are confident, they are quirky and funny. they are real character[ Me and their dad did not stay together ''for the children''.

ps, I think you need to get back to the UK and then initiate divorce. FORGET about the new guy in the grander scheme of things.
What you want is for this psychopath not to screw you over totally in the divorce, for him not to use this new relationship against you
The new guy is just proof that there are other people out there. Be frank with him. Tell him that your priority has to be getting free.

Thanks CuteasaF0x, I'm glad it worked out well for you and your dc! Certainly gives me hope that there may be life after a divorce. I just think most men would shy away from me having kids

So he replied and I am not sure how to read this. How do you see it?

"Don't worry about that (insert pet name for me) been a busy week had another winner and been driving all over the country. Just don't get to deep it's not in my nature. X"

Is he telling me that I, Vanillaswirl, must not get too deep?

Or is it him who doesn't get too deep?

He often starts sentences without personal pronouns.

I feel he didn't mind my text but cautions me to stay away as he doesn't want to deepen the relationship.

I mean this is a guy who says he's spiritual and who proposed after 6 years so there has to be some capacity for feelings. I guess just not for me.

What do I do now? Respond and ask him what he means. I have never had good results with men on that. I feel he doesn't want to talk about it hence the vague short reply. Should I ignore him?

It's his birthday in a week. Do I write to him? I already bought a beautiful Khalil Gibran and Rumi book. Should I just refrain from any more comms.

Yes he's warning you that he owes you nothing.

I wouldn't let yourself get distracted by this trivial stuff. I know at the moment it's a bit of light relief in a heavy situation but really, you have BIGGER shit to sort out.

I've had two bfs since I left my X and one had children and one did not. I ended both of those relationships because they weren't quite right. If you feel that nobody would have you because you have children then you're not in the right place to consider dating. I hope this doesn't come across as unkind as I certainly don't mean it to.... but think about the long term. Don't worry about what some guy thinks of the FLING you are having right now. You're living in an ex-pat life with a man you fear, a man you will have to leave at some point. So McSpiritual man, if I can call him that, he is not somebody whose feelings should come in to your plans or decisions right now.

When you are free, properly free, then maybe you'll meet somebody who is properly spiritual, not just rent-a-spiritual-lite.

I am rooting for you to leave the psycho. I'm not giving out to you, I think it might seem like I am but I'm not.

PS, I would fly to the UK and go straight to Women's Aid. Your H told you that you wouuld "die with" [his} last name. That is your real problem.

Don't worry about what book of Buddhist poetry to give rent-a-McSpiritual man. Sorry, I'm sure he's lovely-n-all. But what sort of man gets involved with a married woman who is trapped. Has McSpiritual man offered you any practical support getting free from the pscyho?
For example, if you rang on McSpiritual's door at three am with your children in tow, needing his support, would he help you no questions asked? or would he feel, oh, shit, this is ''too deep''?

Unless mr spiritual would help you in your hour of need, then he isn't even a friend you can count on.

Thanks F0x, I am back in UK, so could theoretically go see a lawyer and find out more.

Husband didn't say it in a threatening way, I think he meant to emphasise the point he doesn't want to divorce or separate homes.

I do feel he would get very nasty if I were to leave and he will definitely bring up my anxiety meds to try take away the kids. I am not unstable, I have just done 8 moves in less than 6 years and I struggled to adjust to UK after so much time away and with no help in house or with kids.

I think you are right about bigger picture. I feel so sad about breaking up our home. That's why I haven't seen a lawyer. But I'm realizing I cannot find anyone if I am not out of this situation and standing with both feet in my own life.

I will send the books but adopt no comms. No you are right, he wouldn't be there for me. And I don't want to fall for someone who is holding out for the right girl which is not me.

In my experience men can be very deep when it's the right one. I think I will have to find a good, sensible lawyer to give me advice and then sit my husband down. He can't be happy either, why else the issues between us.

I'm so glad you posted with experience of what comes beyond. I'm not there yet but taking baby steps. I think this man has made me a realize that I can feel again and that there are men I could be close to, what it is like to enjoy someone's company and someone to look at you with happiness in their eyes instead of endless disdain and belittling and abusing whatever I do.

Do you know the world of jockeys? I do and it is bloody hard to stay married to a young one. Once they are more stable or switch to training, then they are much better and calmer, but when starting out racing, even the nice/good ones are peripatetic, unreliable and have to be selfish to be a winner. Everything comes after racing. And a lot of them are so driven and self centred that eventually they become bastards anyway. Plus the young ones often shag anything that moves. He is telling you all of this (so not a total bastard) just in a much nicer way by saying he "doesn't get in too deep" so neither should you.

Yes, I hear you. My x was civil up to a point so long as I didn't challenge him, or so long as what I wanted wasn't going to compromise his own interests, then, God help me!

It is sad breaking up a home. It's so, so hard to accept that there's no option besides starting again.

Do see a lawyer.

Talk to women's aid as well and tell them that your H is not that bad but that you feel scared to END it. They can give you advice that will be appropriate to your situation.

Nags, I event so we share some interest but have heard the rumours. He is just so bloody sweet with me. Maybe I'm just pathetic for wanting more. I sense he could give more but maybe not now. He said he want to just focus on riding winners and when he turn 40 he'll train and settle down.

Should I write off the entire profession? I meet so many horsey people maybe they're all like this in general..

I really like New Guy... he hangs around me when I pick up my phone and watches over my shoulder when I reply to friends.

That is a massive red flag. He doesn't trust you, but he doesn't want to be with you and he's reminded you in black and white not to get attached.

Don't hold out in the hope that he'll grow up and suddenly want a future with you. It sounds like you've wasted enough time on crap men, go find a good one! But sort your divorce first.

Anchor, hm, it didn't feel like he did it in a dominant way. Sort of more curiosity than anything really. But yes I hear you, he's making himself heard with what he wrote.

I reread his whatsapp. I'm certainly not going to open myself up to more rejection.

I now feel awful about my cheating. For what. Maybe I'm a hopeless romantic, I'm so naive. For nothing. Wish I hadn't done it. If anything it has clearly shown that I ought to sort myself out before I can hope of dating again.