Have I scared him away?

[Vanillaswirl]

So I met this guy late spring, we hit it off straightaway. I gave him my phone number and 3 days later he sent me a text and a pic of himself on the day. He drove down to see me, I live about 100 miles from him and we had a lovely lunch. He told me quite a bit about himself and asked gingerly about myself. I am married with kids but live a very separate life from my husband. Long history of cheating on his side and we have decided to just stay together for the kids and the life we have built together but the sex isn't there nor is any intimacy both emotionally and otherwise. I feel so much anger how he has betrayed me over the years and I feel I cannot open up with him. I feel so lonely at times and I don't know where to turn.

Please don't shoot me down!

New guy knows about me being married and having kids.

We got along so well, share mutual interests and there is so much chemistry. He is a few years younger than me. He was in a 6 year relationship and proposed which she accepted then she moved to the other side of the world. Understandably he was crushed, this was 2 years ago.

He said he's happy with his life, to be on his own and wants to focus on his career. He is a professional athlete and wants to make the years he has got left in his career count.

He invited me up to his pad and barbecued for me. We kissed and he wanted more but I slowed him down. We stayed in touch and he was interested in me, told me how much he fancies me, how classy I am, teased me gently and made me laugh.

I travelled in the summer and so did he so 4 months passed without seeing each other but we spoke ever other day.

Fast forward last week and after a lot of build up we slept together. It was the most amazing sex and he asked me if he is having an affair with a married woman, teasing me and enjoying how liberated I was in bed. He spoke about his mum asking him when he was going to have a girlfriend again and when I suggested he look among some of the staff or younger girls around him he scoffed and said he had high standards and wants something different.

We parted and he asked when he'd see me again but I kept him hanging as I am quite busy with the kids and I life in general.

On Monday I went out with girlfriends, my husband had been on me all day annoying me and I got absolutely trashed. I then sent New Man a long winded whatsapp text with a picture of my stockings and how I can't stop thinking about him and his thing and how I want him to pry me away and how I know he has been hurt and I wouldn't hurt him and where is this going I want more shit.

I know I was stupid. He responds to my texts immediately and said it was not that easy, the season was just getting going and he has tournaments every day (which I can check and he is right).

I haven't had response to the emotional cap I wrote and I don't think I'll get it. I really really like him. I am seriously thinking about divorce, I am starting to think that I no longer want to live without sex or intimacy, without someone who hugs me or appreciates me. Husband couldn't care less, he said no to counselling and I know for a fact he wouldn't care about me going off with another guy. He suggested an open marriage in the first place.

I am in my early 30s, I feel so lost and now I have fucked this up as well. Please tell me what to do. Should I just not bring it up again when he comes back? Should I just go for the amazing sex and connection?

He is a scorp sun and I am a scorp moon the understanding and chemistry is amazing. We are from very different social classes and he adores my refined ways and teases me whereas I love how easy he is to get along with and how much he's got a grip of his life, he makes it look so easy!

The sex was out of this world, so much pent up passion and we just melted into each other, he is spiritual and gentle yet can hold all of me and dominate me.

Sorry for the long ramble. I feel I have told him I want more and I feel he has kept quiet. I am scared I have messed this up. I have never done this in 10 years of marriage and I want to right this. What do I do?

I'm an eventer too, but live in the absolute heart of racing in the south so socially there are a lot of jockeys in and out of the scene. Eventers who are single, available (and straight) are hard to come by but are more settled than jockeys, as they tend to be based in one yard and travel to the same events. Jockeys by definition have to travel hugely - flying and driving all over th country and abroad and so just can't offer any stability. And they live out of suitcases, so a friendly girl is always a welcome comfort, giving some sense of connection and normalcy in a hard, hard life (the falls, the fasts, the shit pay unless you break into the grade 1 listed races and ride winners), but they are more like sailors with a girl in every port (racecourse). I knew one successful jockey who got to use a helicopter belonging to an Arab owner, but my god he was the exception. The rest had battered clios and fiestas that clocked up 40-50k km per year!

Finding a horsey bloke is nigh on impossible, I have concluded (having tried muddy matches as well as meeting polo players and hunting folk). I'm quite pretty and intelligent so not a terrible catch. I have instead gone with a general animal lover who is a fair Dinkum Aussie and it works well. Doesn't know anything about horses but will hold one comfortably and whip boots on and off, that sort of thing. 10 years in and we are going ok!

Don't pin your hopes on this bloke. Jockey or not, as mn says, he is telling you who he is, so listen.

Don't swap one douche for another, what I mean is I'm sure he is lovely but you have been in a crap marriage for yrs maybe and are trying to form a relationship with this jockey when he has and is making it clear that's not what it he is offering.

Like hysterical bonding, I dived from one awful rl to a not good one and if my self esteem wasnt shit and my desire to feel love and wanted hadn't been there I would have stayed single as I am doing now that I have learned.

You should focus on getting out of this marriage it won't do anyone any good staying. Stay single until you are happy and meet right person(if you want that) and have fb but I would say you have already gone too deep with this one and cut him loose for your own sanity.

Thank you Nags for the clarification.

I've had my share of polo player exposure when I was younger and wouldn't touch one with a barge pole now.

Yes New Guy clocked up 70k miles last year and I witnessed how hard it must be.

Good to hear you are happy. I will PM the MN lady who offered a lawyer recommend.

Hoops, you and everyone else is right about me needing to sort myself out first.

I have deleted his number and wiped him from my contacts. I have also ripped up his piece of paper he gave me with his contact details and as I'm not on FB or other media I will not Google stalk him or anything. Best to move on and let him live the life he wants to.

I don't feel bad about putting my cards on the table and having had this conversation early on and accept his answer even if it hurts. It has helped me to air my feelings on here and read other women's opinions.

Many thanks x

I was in your circs a few years ago. My then H had cheated for years. So I did too (many years afterwards). Struck up with a younger guy. He was very very keen, until that is, that I started the wheels into motion to leave H. I wasn't even intimating that we'd be together. I bought my own home, but just said it would be nice that he could come over when he was in town etc. He dropped me like a hot brick. The moral of the story, is that your "new man" has been able to have a bit of fun with you, knowing that you can't/won't expect it to get deep, as you are tied to your H. He's not looking for anything more than a no strings relationship. If he was, he would be dating single women, not married women. Well done btw for deleting his no. That took balls . I would leave your H, if can see a way to. I did and now have a lovely DH. All the upheaval was worth it. Good luck!