Is bad sex a reason to leave?

[findmeacupboard]

I love my husband, i honestly really do hes kind and carig and looks after me and i still find him attractive. My issue is that our sex life is crap. In 7 years wev been together i can count the number of orgasms on 1 hand. He tries and i try to show him whats good and we have sex at least once a week normally so we definitely practice but no matter what its just never got any better.

Its getting me down to a point where i feel like im not sure i can spend the rest of my life like this. Iv talked to him, wev tried weekends away, toys, going back to basics, taking it slow, quickies but its just never gotten any better.

What would you do in my situation?

Isn't sex about 2 people? He can't be doing everything wrong

Only you can answer that one. if you are fulfilled in every other way with your husband are you willing to sacrifice mutual sexual fulfillment? could you be happy reaching orgasm alone through masturbation, but still having sex with your husband too?

it is all about your choices and priorities. Is a stable marriage worth that choice to you?

So you show him, how? Does he watch you? Is he paying enough attention to your fulfilment? Are you sure he's great in every other way and that nothing psychological/relational is getting in the way?

Oh no i know hes not totally to blame it is a 2 way thing.

As for the choice my gut reaction is that its totally worth sacrificing it but then i know how much im thinking about it and its getting to me

did you have orgasms with otehr men?

Has it ever been amazing? It sounds as though it never has?

No not really. But when we got together hed only slept with one other person so i guess i just figured wed get better

Can you identify three things you'd like to change about it?

Id like more hands all over rather than going straight for the kill. Id like him to be a bit more gentle during foreplay. Id like more foreplay. Id like him to be able to look at me in the midst of dtd. Id like him to kiss me whilst dtd. Id like him to go down on me more. Id like him to not run off to the bathroom about 2 seconds after finishing to 'clean himself'. I could probably think of more if i try

Noahvale yes i have in the past. All be it not every time but i have yea

Really, I think you've given it a good go. Seven years is long enough to know things aren't going to get better. You can't tell him to kiss you - it doesn't work like that. I don't like the sound of him not being gentle enough. Maybe it's time to give up?

Um oh, ok, he really sounds like he's a bit shit either never going to get it for or the communication between you two on this is really quite hampered?

Any idea which it is, and why???

I do think it sometimes comes down to expectations, ie if this is all he's ever known, he potentially has no idea that it could be So... Much... Better... than this (for you). For example I was happy to put up with crap sex until I knew how good it could be. Do you feel like he truly cares about your experience???? Or is his caring really manifesting in beting too goal-oriented (yours and his orgasm?)?????????? Is he happy with how things are???? Because from what you post it sounds as though he's willing to try and make things better? In which case, it should be better????

It's a bit mystifying......

You can't tell him to kiss you - it doesn't work like that
Can't you - why not?
I'm more inclined to think that all those things that the OP wants, she needs to ask specifically for and ask if he'd like them too.
I think you should ask how he feels about your sex life, ask if he is interested in improving it.
I get that you have tried a lot of things, but is it just you trying or are you working on this together? All the one-sided effort in the world won't help if the communication is poor.
Only you know if your relationship is enough to make up for this. He may not be that bothered so you might be at the best it is ever going to be. Can you live with that?
You can probably find better sex but there's no guarantee that you will find better in terms of sex and relationship combined.

It doesn't matter what the reason is, you don't have to be in any relationship you don't want to be in. Do you have children/do you want them and how old are you?

OddlyLogical, you can't tell someone to kiss - you want them to want to kiss you! It's like saying "Tell me you love me" - it means nothing if they do.

Also I assume she's been trying to kiss him while DTD for seven years - he clearly doesn't want to.

Bad shoes are a good enough reason if that's what floats your boat.

Wow thankyou for the replies. Ive told him its getting me really down but i havent said that iv considered whether i want to end our marriage. Im 26 hes 27, wev been married 2 years and dont have kids. Wev had every discussion going about it before now, Its kids thats really started to make me think tbh because we were ttc for a while and dtd so much just made me realise that i dont know if i can do it long term so iv put that onto the back burner and told him that i dont think ttc is best right now.

Even when using condoms he still rushes iff to get cleaned up wev argued before now over it that he cant just relish the moment. And if i lay there he looks at me like im disgusting.

Its definitrly a joint effort to try but its just not working. By more gentle i just mean more sensuous hes never painfully rough or anything.

His previous experience was a fwb kind of deal. Hes perfectly fine with sex in general. Although since living together he doesnt masturbate hardly at all, or if he does he doesnt tell me and he used to tell me all the time to see if he could wind me up or turn me on

At this stage, at your ages and with no kids? I'd consider bailing on this. This is only going to get worse.

Yep. I think you're not fantastically compatible, and you'd probably make better friends than partners. It's okay to have high expectations - if he's not right for you, he's not right. Don't wait around because you've put too much in or because you feel it's unfair.

At your age and with no kids I'd bin it to be honest. Life is too short to write off good sex ever again.

You're still young, do you really want crap sex for the rest of your life? I personally think it can be a mistake to end up with a man who hasn't been with many women as they haven't been 'trained' by them ( sorry, can't think of another word), and are unlikely to change as its all they know. If you've clearly explained to him what you want and he still won't do it after all this time, I'd consider ending it. You're young enough to find someone you're sexually compatible with and form a good relationship with, have kids etc. I fear if you settle for bad sex you may end up having an affair further down the line which would be much more damaging...