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Secondary education

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Original poster

Transferring an unwilling 12 year old from state to private school help

42 replies

crossst · 05/04/2010 12:58

Does anyone have experience of this?
My son is getting ok grades at his small rural 500 pupil state school but nowhere near is potential. We are not 'needy' enough to warrant additional help in pushing him from the school so I am in the process of transferring him to a private school.
This is 15 miles away from us, his current school is 3 miles away and he sees it as 'taking him away from his friends' even though he can see the benefits of smaller class sizes and like-minded pupils and parents.
In his words, 'I will not refuse to go there, I will just not go happily'.
Any help?

OP posts:
rainbowinthesky · 05/04/2010 13:00

Why is he not reaching his potential?

MmeBlueberry · 05/04/2010 13:03

He'll love it when he gets there.

Original poster
crossst · 05/04/2010 13:07

Becuse he is lazy.
I am told this is typical boy behaviour. If I ask/tell him to do his homework, he happily does it. If I dont tell, he leaves it until the morning of the day of the lesson he has to hand it in to do it.
He needs to be constantly pushed.
The small village school he attended had a total of 31 kids in it, with, in the most part, 9 kids in his class so they had time to point them in the right direction. Even down to telling the to go to the loo, or take off their sweat-shirts etc. Since moving to 'big school' they are treated, in effect, like adults and, as such, not instructed to do everything they should, it is presumed they will do it.
I know he has to have some independence and initiative but, sadly, he appears to have taken this onboard in every area except academically.

OP posts:
MollieO · 05/04/2010 13:08

15 miles is a considerable distance. Assuming you are taking and collecting you will be doing 300 miles a week! That of course is assuming that they don't have Saturday morning sports/school etc.

What makes you think he will achieve his potential there and not at his present school? Are there particular issues that the private school have confirmed that they will address and which the state school have said they can't? I think you need to consider the specifics. It is very easy to get sucked in to the smaller classes, nicer facilities without actually thinking at all about the teaching.

MollieO · 05/04/2010 13:12

Cross posts! Do you think, or have you been told, that the private school will do more guiding? Ime (ds is at pre-prep) they have more independence and higher behaviour expectations than his friends at state school. I assume this will be even more so at secondary age.

Original poster
crossst · 05/04/2010 13:12

Public bus in the morning, I will collect him, not really an issue.
I believe because of smaller class sizes, he will be 'encouraged' by teachers.
At his state school, I have been told by the head that he cannot be helped any more than they are already becase 'he is one of 30 and we do not have time to devote to each pupil'

Perhaps if we were an ethnic minority or his father was in prison we could get additional help!

OP posts:
rainbowinthesky · 05/04/2010 13:13

Wtf does him not being an ethnic minority got to do with it???? My dc come under this and dont need or get additional help!

Original poster
crossst · 05/04/2010 13:15

In reply to MollieO:

Yes, the head at private assures me he will reach his potential.

My son is a great kid but sadly easily led and I know will do better at a different school.

I admit I have lost all faith in his current school

OP posts:
wastwinsetandpearls · 05/04/2010 13:15

I was going to post a thoughtful reply. having seen your post of 13:12 I won't bother

Original poster
crossst · 05/04/2010 13:17

Now I am ranting.

Apologies.

I am a single parent with no-one to talk to at the moment.
Even my parents dont support me in this decision

OP posts:
rainbowinthesky · 05/04/2010 13:18

Just waiting for an explanation for your post re ethnic minority children and this additional help they get...

Original poster
crossst · 05/04/2010 13:21

I dont have one.

I am not handling this well at all today, I wil log off until I am under control

OP posts:
Original poster
crossst · 05/04/2010 13:22

I apologies once more before I do

OP posts:
rainbowinthesky · 05/04/2010 13:24

Oh well that's alright then. I take it my kids are the 'needy' ones you refer to in your op due to their ethnicity. It actually doesnt warrant additional help on it's own.

wastwinsetandpearls · 05/04/2010 13:29

I would think very hard about moving a child 15 miles away.

The headmaster of the private school is going to tell you that you son will achieve his potential, he wants you fees. But this is not a state/ private issue I am sure if you took your son to a new state school the head will say we can of course help your son reach his potential.

At some point in his life your son is going to have to stand on his own two feet and motivate himself.

Uriel · 05/04/2010 13:29

Why not work with him at home to change his behaviour instead of transferring him? If he doesn't want to go to private school, set out exactly what you expect of him in terms of homework done etc and see if he can stick to it.

To me, it sounds like he hasn't really made that 'gear change' between primary and secondary yet, exacerbated perhaps by being at a small village school.

Also, don't be fooled by anyone telling you what his 'potential' is. A friend of mine has had a very unhappy time with her bright boy. Primary school teachers constantly told her how bright he was and how well he was going to do. He hasn't done particularly well at secondary and it's caused a lot of problems between my friend and her son, because she always expected more from him.

Maybe your son is actually doing the best he can, at this time in his life. My oldest child is the same. Only at 15 is the realisation of exams and real life starting to impact - this despite quite a lot of input from me.

MollieO · 05/04/2010 13:35

It must be hard to make this sort of decision alone and without support. I'm a single parent too so I can sympathise.

As for ethinicity ds's pre-prep is more culturally diverse than our local state primary. Economically the mix is broadly similar although more working mums at pre-prep.

rainbowinthesky · 05/04/2010 13:37

I still dont understand why being an ethnic minority would mean additional help but heyho

.

Original poster
crossst · 05/04/2010 13:43

It was a nasty generalisation on my part and unfounded.

The people who get extra help in his current school are from deprived backgrounds in local towns who are moved from bigger schools to our smaller school in the hope that they react better in a more intimate environment.
Ethnicity has nothing to do with it.

OP posts:
lilmissmummy · 05/04/2010 13:49

I dont really have anything helpful to contribute except that I fear I am going to have the same problem with my ds (8) in a couple of years. Currently in a rural primary school with 4 children in his year... we are currently working with the school to encourage him to motivate himself.

Instead of a private school what about looking into a private tutor, that might help rather than changing schools and the expense of a private school

northernspanishlass · 05/04/2010 15:27

The idea of a private tutor will also mean that you have some control on his progress..you can discuss his levels of attainment with the tutor and the tutor will keen on your son reaching his full potential and beyond.

He will be able to keep his friends and you will have the support of another person for your sons education.

Assuming that you can afford a tutor as private education will cost much more..

All the best..

admission · 05/04/2010 17:21

I would be very wary of making this change. Firstly most boys are lazy and will do the minimum necessary and I believe that this is where you as a parent can give direction and help to try and push him along. Secondly the private school head will as others have said offer the world to get the fees - the reality may be somewhat different if your son actually goes there. Thirdly there is a real chance that your son could just decide that he is not interested in work at this new private school and you will not be any better off both financially and educationally.

OK I can accept that you may have lost faith in the current school but from your own post he is doing OK at it, so to me this is not a decision that is easy to make. Remember that it is your son you are talking about and not yourself. How much of this decision is your frustrations rather than his?

janeite · 05/04/2010 17:30

I think the problems seem to be with your expectations, rather than with your son or the school tbh. I'm glad you apologised for "Perhaps if we were an ethnic minority or his father was in prison we could get additional help" because it was a hideous thing to say.

a) is your son actually under-achieving severely, or do you just feel that he is?
b) what IS his potential and how far away from it is he?
c) do you really think that sending an unmotivated boy to a school that he doesn't want to go to, 15 miles away, where he knows nobody will suddenly motivate him?

I think it sounds as though you are being rash tbh. I also worry about your 'like minded parents' statement, which sounds quite snobby. Apologies if I've 'read' that incorrectly.

StayingDavidTennantsGirl · 05/04/2010 18:17

There is a very definite possibility that any benefit there would be from moving him to the private school could be outweighed by the negative impact of moving your ds against his will.

I would second the advice given here to use a private tutor to work with him on specific areas, and work with him yourself to improve his achievements - and if that doesn't work, then consider transferring him to a private school.

abride · 05/04/2010 18:30

We moved our son at about 10 to a private school about 12 miles away. We've never regretted it. Yes, the distance isn't as convenient but his peers are almost all hard-working and motivated boys. Peer group pressure matters a lot to children as they grow up. At the private school it is cool to be clever and stick your hand up in class and (almost) cool to work hard. At the local school I'm told this is not the case. I have no experience of it myself, mind.