Transferring an unwilling 12 year old from state to private school help

[crossst]

Does anyone have experience of this?
My son is getting ok grades at his small rural 500 pupil state school but nowhere near is potential. We are not 'needy' enough to warrant additional help in pushing him from the school so I am in the process of transferring him to a private school.
This is 15 miles away from us, his current school is 3 miles away and he sees it as 'taking him away from his friends' even though he can see the benefits of smaller class sizes and like-minded pupils and parents.
In his words, 'I will not refuse to go there, I will just not go happily'.
Any help?

Just to put the contrary view here.

We moved our son this school year. He had taken forever to settle at the school he was attending, but had finally made one good friend. His class teacher was awful, and he was getting no help at all from the school to deal with some fairly major issues with writing and spelling (due to a long delay in replacing the SENCO after the last one left). I was told when I asked why he was not getting any help, that this was because on average he was coping. It was playing merry havoc with his confidence and his motivation.

We went to an open day at the new school, then interviewed the headmaster being crystal clear about the issues (he was a little surprised but I think appreciated our honesty). On his advice we decided to move DS at the end of year 5, rather than waiting for year 7, which was our original intention. DS was underwhelmed by this speeding up of the agenda.

DS had then two days assessment at the school in February, plus a familiarisation day in early June plus a morning meeting his new class teacher just before the end of term. They actually offered him a place immediately after the February assessment but after discussion with ds he finished the year at the old school and moved at the start of p6.

He has settled in at the new school as if he had been there always. He has made three new friends, and is making much better progress with his school work. We are so glad we bit the bullet and moved him when we did.

The key to a good move seems to have been finding the right school for ds, making sure that the school knew what to expect, plenty of familiarisation time for ds and giving him a little bit of say in the timing of the move.

Oh, and he still sees the friend from the last school regularly.

Not the only contrary view, obviously - abride posted while I was composing.

Good luck with what ever you decide to do!

Wow, Crossst, well done on the swift apologies. That took guts (sincerely, I am impressed).

You could promise him a new Très cool gadget -- say an iPhone? That might make the private school seem a lot more attractive. Nice BMX bike? I'm sure he has his price.

Word of warning, though my parents moved me from a so-so school to one that was supposed to be so much better for kids like me (bright but underachieving) it was awful. I was terribly bullied and nobody would recognise it; my parents refused to move me, too, because they became convinced that it was me who had terrible social problems. It took me years to recover self esteem.

If he has done a 'trial' day or 2 at the new school and is still refusing I think you should listen to him. Leave him where he is and make sure for a couple of years (until it dawns on him to do it himself) you are on his back re. school work.

However, if he has got in with a 'bad crowd' who all have a very negative view of school then disregard what i have said!

Personally, I would investigate the tutor idea before going to the stress, expense and upset of changing schools. Perhaps the threat of moving schools might be the incentive he needs to work harder?

IMO if he is just unmotivated and lazy then this is the real issue, not the school. I went to a highly academic, pushy, well-disciplined private school and there were a couple of girls there who simply couldn't be bothered. The school spent a huge amount of time and effort encouraging, motivating and then threatening them to get them to pull their socks up and it didn't help one little bit. They left school with a handful of C grade GCSEs. I would also say that as someone who doesn't have huge amounts of self-motivation, going to a school where I was basically hassled to work hard didn't prepare me at all well for higher education.

Also bear in mind that a private school is unlikely to want to keep kids who will bring the schools grade averages down and may ask them to leave.

I agree with Daisymoo. Friends are very important at this stage of life.

Your son will hopefully start to get motivated once it really matters, ie in yr 9 onwards.

As my ethnic-minority-expected-to-get-12A*s-at-GCSE-son-did (sorry couldn't resist)

its a tough one .. We moved my son from his state comp to a private school when he was 13.. the new school is twelve miles away from our house..

I thought long and hard about the decision but in the end we went for it - and my ds despite his reluctance and sheer anger at forst to be honest settled really quickly and I now have a boy who takes pride in his work and is listened to by teachers who have the time to spend with him ..

With smaller class sizes there comes the opportunity for the teachers to get to know each boy well and with a child who needs extra attention this is invaluable .

I have his teachers emails and mobile numbers and talk to them most days as and when anything arises and my son feels as though he is in a "loop of care " between us and the school..

It hasnt been plain sailing - but its been worth it for us without a doubt - and considering the struggle we have to find the fees thats a big deal !

I think the main thing is that you have to have complete and utter faith in the new school..If you are slightly unsure or the schools not perfect for your child then it may not be a good move...To move a pre teen boy IMO - there needs to be a damn good place to go to..

Good luck .. Im sure you will do the best for your son and Im sure things will work out for you both - given time ..

I would be very cautious about moving a child against his will. If the starting point is that he doesn't want to be there, it's hardly very positive.

Why not work on all the aspects which you can do without moving schools? If he needs prompting to do his homework now, then give that support. Build up gradually towards getting him to be more independent about study. Talk to him about his work. Take him out to interesting places, suggest books for him to read. Think about education in the broader sense.

There is absolutely no guarantee that the other school will get him to achieve his potential. Of course they will say that's their aim - any school would.

I would think long and hard about this. Maybe he needs a move, but another state school may suit him better anyway. Or maybe the right thing for him is to pay.

I would tread really carefully though. Also, I'm not sure the best response when a child is being lazy, or unmotivated, is to let them feel there's a financial solution - ie throw some money at it in a new situation. Part of growing up to be an emotionally healthy adult is learning resilience, and that sometimes, you just have to deal with things yourself rather than wait for someone to remove you from the situation.

If he's only 12 he's got many years to motivate himself (when he realises it matters).

There is a danger that he will be so cross at the move that he will become even more unmotivated. And all that travelling will impact on his time to learn.

Just tread carefully...

If I were you I'd want a bit more evidence that the new school will really be good for him, rather than just that the Head has said it will, which of course he will say as the school wants your custom! Have they talked to you about how they deal with 'lazy' children, what strategies they have in place and how these work? I can see your reasoning for wanting to make the move but make sure it really will bing benefits before you uproot your son.

Also, if your son is so reluctant to move, is there any way you could use this as a kind of carrot/stick? Tell him he has a choice, if he works hard over the next x months and you see significant improvement in his attitude to work etc he can stay at his current school, if not, he will have to move. That way you are getting him to take some responsibility for his actions, and the school move will effectively be his choice depending on how he chooses to work and behave.

OP - has he done a trial day? If the new school know their stuff they will sell themselves to him as well as to you. To me, it sounds as though you are halfway there with 'I will not refuse to go there' - IM(ill-informed)O it is the 'average' who come out worst in an under-funded system as the exceptional will come through anyway and the resources go to those who are really struggling.

TBH, I would move him (assuming you have done your research and are confident the new school will deliver what he needs). To this day my DH resents the fact that his parents did not move him to a private school when they had the chance because they "didn't want to take him away from his friends" - His view now is that he was too young to know any better and they should have taken that decision out of his hands.

My own experience is that ds was exactly what your ds is like now, until he started Yr 9 when he knew he had to do well in his SATS to choose the subjects he wanted.

To be fair to him, he really worked hard, having previously been really lazy, and did extremely well in the SATS & got an award for making the most improvement in the year.

This had absolutely nothing to do with me, he just didn't see the p oint in working hard in Yr 7 & 8 as there were no important exams.

Could you try a compromise using a tutor until the summer holidays and over the holidays and see if the tutor agrees that this private school will help?

Maybe your DS will get a 'kick up the back....' by this threat of the private school move. Then you can still think about moving him after the summer holidays if he doesn't get some motivation and improvement out of having a tutor.

Is the current school co-ed ? The only reason I would move him is to put him in an all boys school tbh.
So many children at senior private school are put there with this massive transformation expected by the parents and from what I've seen it's too late by then.
You'd almost be better off keeping him where he is, saving your money for 6th form or bailing him out repeatedly until he gets motivated, usually after a few years working in crap jobs.

Agree with qumquat. Give him the opportunity to motivate himself. Also are you in communication with his individual teachers? IME they are only too happy to try to find strategies for improvement. I'm surprised at the HT being involved - is this because it's a small school?

What makes you think he is underachieving? all you have said is that you have to remind him to do his homework- which sounds normal rather than lazy! What sort of grades is he getting?

If you are going private beware. They are selling you a product. They could be desperate for pupils (the fact you can get him in at 12 is a warning sign).
In my experience private school headteachers will usually say they will enable pupils to achieve full potential, they will also not tell you they are leaving at the end of the term, or the school is in financial difficulties etc.
The grass is not always greener.

Also Tutors are cheaper!