Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Secondary education

Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

Original poster

Friendships in Y7

31 replies

JazT · 08/01/2010 13:35

I'd be really grateful for some advice...My DD is currently in Y7 at a new school she joined in September. Some of the girls come up from the school's own junior school, others join (as my DD did) from various other schools in the (wide) area. DD has settled well, got a great report at the end of the autumn term, and has seemed generally very happy. However, we were chatting last night and she was saying that the girls in her (friendly) class are now forming smaller groups and she doesn't feel that she belongs to any of them. She has people that she hangs around with at break times but says that she sometimes feels like she's intruding.
She's a quiet girl and pretty self-contained. She's always been well-liked (ie noone dislikes her) but never got many invitations to tea etc even at primary school. She got lots of Xmas cards from her new classmates, so I don't think she's being excluded deliberately.
I feel so sorry for her and I really want to help-particularly as she's being so stoic about it. She says that she's fine, but I think it's upsetting her deep down.

OP posts:
Original poster
JazT · 08/01/2010 13:36

Sorry, meant to say-does anyone have any advice as to how I can help her? Thanks in advance

OP posts:
DecorHate · 08/01/2010 13:39

Can you help her along by getting her to invite some of them over for tea/to get ready at yours before a school disco/cinema or shopping trip at the weekend? Are any of her primary-school friends at the school?

bruffin · 08/01/2010 14:12

It does take a long time for friendships to settle in secondary. Someone told me yr8 or yr9 for some and in DSs case this was true, as he was a very mature quiet boy and the others needed to catch up.

DD is yr 7 and with only two from her primary. Her circle of new friends have changed already in the first term. She seems to have quite a few friends from the clubs she has joined at school.

DS used to go to clubs as well where there were a lot of older boys he seemed to get on better with.
Does your DDs school have clubs?

Did anyone see My First Year on channel 4 where they followed a group of year7s for a year. The programme they did on friendships was really interesting.

Original poster
JazT · 08/01/2010 14:16

No, none of her friends went there-they all scattered to various places at the end of primary school. She's had a couple of girls over, but I've told her to ask someone if they'd like to come over this weekend. To be honest I don't want to approach their Mums directly in case the girls don't want to come. If she hasn't asked someone today I'll make sure she calls her tonight though. Thanks for replying

OP posts:
Original poster
JazT · 08/01/2010 14:21

Sorry Bruffin, cross-posted there. I know it can take a while for friendships to develop, but I would love to be able to help her a bit now. I think she's worried that everyone will sort themselves out and she'll be left on the outside.
She does choir after school, but she's not sporty at all so all of those clubs are out. She also has a bit of a journey (doesn't get home from choir till 6.20) and a fair amount of homework, so I was wary of her being overloaded last term.
Didn't see the programme you mentioned-wish I had though, it sounds interesting

OP posts:
MintyCan · 08/01/2010 14:30

I have a dd a little older than yours. Does she have the phone numbers of the girls she likes the most ? If not ask her to get them and phone them from time to time. We didn't realise that the others were doing this and it seems to be quite important. Also, get your dd to organise a cinema/shopping trip and drop her there to meet up with friends. We found this really helped.

Hullygully · 08/01/2010 14:33

(Minty! Come back to the hall at once - we need you in France) Apols for hijack

MintyCan · 08/01/2010 14:33

oh ello gorgeous how are you I had swine flu for a bit so haven't been around muchly.

MintyCan · 08/01/2010 14:35

BTW Jaz she also needs to email them constantly as well

Hullygully · 08/01/2010 14:43

Agree with Minty. My dd is a bit more hands-off as well and tends not to do all the fb, emailing, phoning intensity so can get a bit sidelined.

Original poster
JazT · 08/01/2010 14:49

Hmmm, she does none of that. We bought her a mobile just before she went to secondary but it's hardly ever charged up/switched on. She uses the computer but not for social stuff. Maybe she's really not that bothered but occasionally feels a bit left out and that's what she was talking about last night? She is very happy in her own company. I have told her that if she's not prepared to make the effort she can't expect other people to make the effort with her. Or am I being harsh?

OP posts:
Hullygully · 08/01/2010 15:23

No, you're not, although you could temper it with a chat about how we are all different etc. I think they all hit that stage at different ages as well, my dd is v young in her year and simply doesn't get it and finds it all v boring.

Also, (which I did with my ds, 2 odd kids here), tell her to seek out the other odd bods as she'll probably get on with those. he did that and gradually became more integrated with all the kids.

MintyCan · 08/01/2010 16:08

Definitly agree with Hully. My dd is one of the oddbod crowd and very happy there.

She will never really be one of the Big Brother, Eastenders watching crowd who text each other every five mins. She is a bit too geeky for that. However, she can hold her own with them when she needs to. A certain amount of emailing and phoning friends does become neccesary even if it doesn't come naturally. dd finds emailing them easier.
Maybe your dd could give out her email address to a few kids.

My dd would much rather read a book or just sit around with her cat TBH. The ones that she really gets on with are much the same as her and I am sure your dd will find others like herself in the end.

Hullygully · 08/01/2010 16:23

hear hear

RatherBeOnThePiste · 08/01/2010 16:52

I saw the programme that you speak of and it was fascinating - saw it before DD moved schools, so I was quite calm about making friends etc. Now in Year 8 I think she has a really nice large group of mates with one more special mate.

We always told DD that it is nice to be nice to people and you can be friendly to all. We also told her that the friends she struck up with in Year 7 weren't necessarily the only ones she would have. We actually found she formed an strong friendship with one girl very quickly, but now she has broadened her friendship group, and I think this is a good thing.

It takes time for it to settle down for sure.

RatherBeOnThePiste · 08/01/2010 16:58

I lie, I saw a programme that followed children making the transition to secondary.

The programme BRUFFIN* talks about is available in the Channel 4 website on 4 on Demand.

Am going to watch!

RatherBeOnThePiste · 08/01/2010 17:06

check it out - you do have to watch an advert first, the whole series is there.

mvemjsunp · 08/01/2010 17:25

It can be really hard to settle into year 7. Why does she feel she can't do sports clubs - these should be for everyone. The school is probably happy to have loads of girls to practise, even if they don't get picked for the team.

My DD was in Y7 last year and had always been an outsider in primary school and is fairly shy and enjoys her own company. I was really worried about her, but she has made friends with other socially-different girls and they are all blossoming.

My DD does most of the clubs. She never did netball at primary so was miles behind the others, but they were happy to have her at practice (they never said it was just to make up numbers) and she is coming on leaps and bounds.

She is her own worst enemy for making friends though - people will invite her to things and she turns them down, even sitting at their table for lunch. I have no idea why she is like this as the rest of us are fairly extrovert. She is making progress though.

bruffin · 09/01/2010 22:56

Do they only have sports clubs?

Dc's school have clubs every lunchtime and after school and even early morning ones. In the first few weeks there is a club fare and they like them to sign up to at least 2 clubs.

empirestrikesback · 14/01/2010 14:52

My dd is in a similar position, not in any particular group and has no best mate (best mate left UK just before secondary school). She's still finding her feet socially.She talks about friends and funny things that happen at school but doesn't seem to be able to take that next step to seeing each other out of school. I dont' know that i have any advice, except maybe don't build it up into a big deal or let on that YOU'RE worried, as she might not be particulary worried herself. As long as she knows she can invite anyone over/out whenever it feels right for her, in time presumably things will fall into place. I feel really sorry for them at this age, though, there's so much going on, with new school, work wise and friend wise, plus hormones. I guess they all manage it in their own ways. IT's easy to think 'everyone out there is having a great time except me' and that can feel very lonely at that age.

empirestrikesback · 14/01/2010 14:56

One other thing i meant to say - what about activities outside of school, nothing to do with school? I think it's good to have a different group of friends with an interest in common, who aren't at school and therefore not going to be involved in fall-outs etc that go on on a daily basis at school. Wth Facebook /mobiles it's easier to keep in touch wiht ohter kids so it doesn't matter if they don't see each other every day.

JLo2 · 15/01/2010 11:53

Glad I've found this thread. Have a Y7 DS who is finding the friendship thing hard and feels 'left out' sometimes. Glad he's not the only one

2010herewego · 15/01/2010 16:35

Does anyone have any views on whether the Channel 4 series is designed for adults or children? Would it be good for my DS (year 6, moving to year 7 in Sept) to watch it?

bruffin · 15/01/2010 17:21

I would say it's ideal for Yr7 children. It's very sympathetically shown from the children's point of view.

empirestrikesback · 22/03/2010 14:38

Just came back to this thread, a couple of months on. How have things gone since then for JazT and others who posted then?
My dd hasn't moved on, really, still gets bored and lonely, still reluctant to invite people round, and we still don't understand why. I can't believe it's nearly Easter, Year 7 , and she still has no network of friends to go out with. She hasn't been to/ had a sleepover since primary school
I'm beginning to wonder if she's happy just with family most of the time, then when she's bored she wants 'instant' friends who'll appear and entertain her at short notice. In practice it doesn't work because they've already made other plans. What dd needs is Just Add Water friends . That sounds like I'm not bothered, but I am really, she's been quite down this last week, and it breaks my heart. But I really don't know what we can do, other than tell her any of her friends are welcome, any time, which we do.
How are the others out there getting on?

Swipe left for the next trending thread