First half term in year 7 turning out to be miserable!

[minkah]

My son is bright and quiet and has just started in year 7 at a big comp and is very unhappy because so many of the kids are disruptive and uninterested and -to him - just not nice to be around. I'm thinking I need to get him out of there, but there's no where immediately to jump to.. what do you think.. he's crying at bed time at the prospect of going in there.. I'm wondering about HE'ing until a place comes up somewhere smaller and less combative..

Am really upset to see him like this, he was always fine at primary school and nursery.

Sorry to hear of this difficult situation. Have you contacted the school and talked with them and your son about how things could be improved for him ? Perhaps he could join some clubs, or have a peer mentor. There are lots of children who find the move from primary to secondary very challenging. I do feel that 7 weeks isn't long enough to decide to move him, although recognise that it must be agonising for all of you. I think they are all still finding their feet and sorting out social groups. I feel quite strongly, that if you move a child who is having difficulties then you corner yourself because what happens if they have problems in another setting ? Do you move them again ? The school really needs to work with you and your son to help him become established and happy in this school. There are almost certainly other bright, quiet kids, it's just that they are harder to find because the others make so much noise. Good luck. Let us know what happens.

I agree with doubleexpresso= in a big comp there are always disruptive children (I speak from experience). Go into the school and make it clear you are not happy. Find out if it's in all classes or just certain ones-the teacher could be an issue.
Has he made friends? If he hasn't, he will be unhappy. Encourage him to join clubs/meet like minded boys. Does he walk to school with anyone?
7 weeks is too short a time- see what actions the school takes.

Thankyou for your responses, I do appreciate it. 7 weeks is such a short time, isnt it? Of course, to him, it seems so long.. And it's a long time to be anxiously watching your child lose their buoyancy.

I have spoken to the school and we are in touch, they are responsive. I guess what I need to focus on is getting ds to keep going for another half a term.. and then perhaps another.etc, while letting him know it isnt a prison sentence, and if it really doesnt work out, other options will be found.

How long do you think is a reasonable settling in/trial period in this kind of situation?

One of things about ds is that he hates and loathes groups or after school activities, I've never managed to get him to be sustainedly interested in anything of that nature at all. He's a real home body, full of bounce and creativity, but a home body..

He has various people at school that he talks to and can hang out with, and he isnt isolated so much as simply really not liking the place. And not in a critical grumpy way ( which I could cope with much better!) but in a crying, dreading, way - and this from a boy who doesnt cry. So I know he is serious!

poor kid - what is he dreading ?
My son alway used to hide in the library and the learnng support ( not that he was having learning support ) dept at break and lunch time.
Personally I'd investigate other schools ,where abouts are you ?

I don't want to be depressing but i would wonder if there was something specifically worrying which he is not telling you. eg some verbal bullying; a particular horrible teacher or lesson; perhaps in such a big school he has not found his way around physically yet and is getting reprimanded for being late. I would try to get him to open up a little more about what the problem is. Wonder if it is worse on particular days? eg changing arrangements for PE could be inadequate? could the special needs dept be asked to keep an eye on him for a little while till he is settled? A friend of mine waited a year and a half with her son in a not dissimilar situation before moving him and wished she had done it earlier; but if nowhere immediately obvious i would try to get it to work here.

No advice, but lots of sympathy - I also have a DS2 in Year 7 who really isn't settling in well. Socially etc - reasonably OK, but he just doesn't like it. I've pointed out that it's only 6.5 hours, he just has to get through those hours and he's home again, it may seem huge and scary now but soon it will just seem normal etc etc. It still doesn't help when you see them go off in the mornings looking miserable, though.

change schools.

seriously if its that unsuitable for him have you chosen right? no one needs to be sad at school.

I just wanted to say that my daughter, while not being as upset as your son, was not fully happy for a long time in Y7. She had moved with quite a lot of other children from her primary school, but had had some problems there. We knew from my son who is two years older that quite often the children you're friends with in primary are not the children you end up being friendly with in secondary.

My daughter is now in Year 8 and a completely different child. She has found like-minded friends and, if I'm honest, although she was bodily mature, she needed to mature in her head.

I must admit that at our secondary school each form has two sixth form mentors. Has your son tried talking to them? Have you tried talking to his form tutor? It could also be that he has realised that secondary school is a big jump from primary, not just in size, but in expectation and also you have to spend a lot of energy organising yourself - there is no one to do if for you.

I would say hang in there. From what you have written it sounds like he may not be happy whatever secondary school he is in. I agree with deaddei. He just needs to find something or a teacher that he really clicks with. I wish you luck.

HE - He will be soo much happier. As you say, he is a birght fellow he can go straight into GCSE's and get a nice batch without the pressure of school. We do it

OP I have just read your opening message again and you say that he doesn't like the disruptive children that are around. I'm afraid that this is one big life lesson that he has to learn. There will always be nasty people. You cannot insulate yourself against them unless you go and inhabit a previously uninhabited island! That is partly what I meant about the maturity that you need to gain.

I would check what set he is in as my older son, to my shame, was told that he could not be moved up a set until he sorted his (low-level) disruptive behaviour out. Setting in his school is not just based on ability. You might find that if he could move sets or classes he might be happier.

Crying in bed in an 11 year old is seriously unhappy.

I'm so sorry for you.

you're already in dialogue with the school and you're already looking at other options, so I guess one of the reasons you are posting here is to guage: a. If this is a reasonable degree of distress/is this within the realms of "normal" and b. at what point do you take your reaction a stage further and home ed.

I could be wrong, of course.

OK. In my (limited) experience, I can't think how unhappy my ds would have to be to be crying at the thought of school. I would be taking things very seriously if he were. Yes, I would be considering home ed-ing if there were no other options.

And I really don't like to say this but I don't know any other child (in my albeit limited) circle who is that unhappy.

I'm really worried about posting this. I don't want to make anything worse but I am responding to what I have read as an implicit question in your post. And of course, I may have it entirely wrong. In which case, please ignore and forgive me.

Sorry. I hate the way I over-post but I just wanted to add something ... .

I'm sure you're in communication with your ds but it might be worth thinking about what it is you need to glean from your talks with him.

You can use this time, maybe, to find out as much as you can about the specifics of what is making him so unhappy.

Kids are notoriously difficult to wriggle information out of, especially when they are in the middle of a situation which is ongoing. Also they have a weird in-built desire to protect their parents (!).

But analysing what it is exactly that he is finding so upsetting will make it a great deal clearer to you how to go about dealing with it. It will also help you work out what to look for if you do go down the route of finding another school.

It might be something really surprising. For example, an underlying SN, that hasn't flagged up at home or at primary school, that makes it hard for him to deal with the less structured (in some ways) environment of secondary school. Or it may indeed be some kind of bullying issue.

I'm probably teaching you how to suck eggs here. honestly, I do have a tendency to over-post. sorry.

Hi everybody, I have just read all your responses, and thankyou all for taking the time to respond. It is good to hear a range of responses, and not just mine, circular in my head!

cherryblossoms, you are spot in your assessement of where I was at when I posted, absolutely.Thankyou for being so astute and for sharing.

eyetunes.. I will do a search for your posts to find out more how it is going for you, because I am opening my mind to more creative ways of his life panning out than this one, which seems to be that at it's very best, it would be like wearing uncomfortable clothes 5 days a week.. and if it isnt necesary to do that, I 'm not sure I could make the decision to do it, seeing as how there are other more fruitful options. I dont know anything much about HE at this age.. I have to find out..and to get him on a waiting list for a much smaller school, I guess.

I do inevitable agree with those of you that have pointed out that there will always be nasty people. This is a sad fact. But do we have to spend a lot of time with them?!! At a young and tender age?! I wouldnt want to. He is in a culture clash with the large majority of kids around him. I dont want to send him to the school of hard knocks to toughen him up and give him the message that 'life is tough, deal with it'.. I'm hoping to give him the message 'find creative solutions'...

I was very distressed yesterday when I found this great community and did a lot of reading here which really helped me. I'm really touched by the way we help one another. Thankyou all for giving me a perspective. Really!

Phew. I've decided that he doesnt have to stay at that school, it is quite an extreme level of discomfort that he is experiencing and it's enough already!

cherryblossom, just saw your second post! I have spoken to him in the way you outline, once again you are spot on.

It is very early days and DS was very unhappy when he started YR7. School was lovely unfortunately his old friends weren't and on top of it DS was very mature for his age.
I was a very worrying time, but the feedback I got at the time was lots of children have problems in YR7, it's a big change for them and we knew a few other children very unhappy at the time as well.
However by end of Year 7 DS really started to settle in, was made a lower school House Captain in Year 8 and now in Year 9 is very happy at school (but won't admit it )
I was told at the time it may take to Yr8/9 for them to find their niche, and although it may seem a long time ahead it actually flies past. Also I think now his year group are finally catching him up in maturity.

DS was happy to join clubs, but he tended to go to clubs where there were a lot of older children such as chess and 6th form electronics.

Thanks bruffin. I should add that I have an older son, 15, who is at a less than idyllic school.. so I'm not a complete newb at this transition to the bigger world stage.. but I am a complete newb to the crying etc, and the idea of HE @ secondary level.

I agree that we will meet nasty people throughout our lives and have to learn to deal with them, but in this case where the OP is talking of her DS being in such distress, it is not the time to learn to 'get on with it'.

OP have you looked at www.educationotherwise.org and other HE websites.
Have a read through the HE threads here especially any posts by julienoshoes who is fantastic at supporting new families looking into HE. You could start a thread asking for her and i'm sure she will be along to answer any questions.

Even if you do it in the short term, it will give your DS some confidence before he changes school.

You are obviously a very caring mum who does not wish to see your son suffer in this way.

I would find a new school or home educate. I have a DS in year 7; he has found it stressful enough without children being nasty or disruptive.

No child should be made to be as unhappy as your child currently is.

There are not lots of nasty or disruptive people in adult life. There is no value to your child experiencing such people at school.

I just wonder if a chat with your older child present might help at all?

My instinct would be to prepare the possibility of home education (if it is a possibility for you all), and then offer it to him, either immediately or after Christmas if he wants to carry on for the rest of the term. IMO being able to fit in at school is actually not that useful a preparation for work life anyway.

But I'd consider whether your older one might perhaps want to join in - that might be a good thing, but you perhaps need to think about it.

I do inevitable agree with those of you that have pointed out that there will always be nasty people. This is a sad fact. But do we have to spend a lot of time with them?!! At a young and tender age?! I wouldnt want to. He is in a culture clash with the large majority of kids around him. I dont want to send him to the school of hard knocks to toughen him up and give him the message that 'life is tough, deal with it'.. I'm hoping to give him the message 'find creative solutions'...

There may be nasty people but I don't think that a DC should be forced to put up with them!
I agree with cherryblossoms posts.
I would sit down with him and really get to the bottom of what exactly is upsetting him. I am a great believer in writing things down, you often spot things that you don't notice as they pass in conversation. Halve a sheet of paper and write the pros and cons of the school.
Once you have everything he can think of see it there are any pros that you can work on. If there are no positives it will tell you that it is the wrong school.
If it is the wrong school start with another piece of paper and make a list of what he wants to get out of education. Then write alternative schools or HE (only write down HE if you are able and willing to do it-there is no point in suggesting it if it isn't an option). If you do think along HE lines I would get him to make a list of pros and cons.
I would wait until half term and he is more relaxed. It maybe seems a bit formal but it makes him see that you are taking it seriously and involving him and it just helps to clarify things. You can even write it all down one day and both look at it fresh the next day-maybe a pattern stands out-e.g breaks are a problem or particular lessons.
If it seems that he can make a go of the school, work out some things that might make it better e.g learn a musical instument and join orchestra etc. Make an appointment to see Head of Year or form tutor.
If it needs a change make appointments to view other schools or contact education otherwise and see what they do in your area.
I wouldn't let it just drag on while he loses more confidence-be pro active and involve him. Good luck.

Fantastic input from you people, thankyou!
I love the idea of writing stuff down, piscesmoon. Will def do that. (Btw both my ds' and I are pisces moon people too!)We'll do the writing exercise about education for him in general, HE or a different school.. I have been chatting to him about it,and he isnt at all attached to the idea of having to be in school, he is very happy at the idea of experimenting and making it up as we go along..and I can feel clearly that he needs to walk away from the current school. Actually I am thinking that walking away will be an empowering action for him,and will repair the damage done. I indeed wont let it drag on.. very good point, thankyou for articulating that. If I was in pain I would be doubly in pain if it was allowed to drag on, vaguely. Yep.

eyetunes, yes, I'm reading a lot at that site.
I'm shifting perspective quite quickly and can feel my own insides unknotting as I see that he doesnt have to live a square peg in a round hole life. He's a pretty groovy square peg, after all!

Ds got level 5's in his Y6 SATS despite doing the very minimum of work in school. I have a feeling he will flourish when given some scope. Who knows what might emerge from him given the space..

choosyfloosy, my older child has been in on this at times,he's very grounding and caring to his sibling.. and he is a very diff character, who has quickly learned to be dismissive and resilient in the face of school abrasiveness. And he's all excited about applying to sixth form colleges at the moment..

MillyR, I hope your ds settles in well!

I'm so glad I found this site.I wish there was a 'bunch of flowers' emoticon!

Great. Let us know how you get along with whatever route you decide upon

Glad you are feeling more positive-hope it works out. I feel very strongly that DCs deserve the best for them, and it isn't good enough to drag on for ages in the hope that it might get better.

Just read all this and had EXACTLY the same experience with my ds. Took him out of the brand new Hackney academy after 5 weeks of total misery. Crying at night and in the morning, moaning with dread as we reached the school gates, but couldn't put his finger on a specific problem. Just hated the place. And it was brand new, as I've said, so only 220 yr 7s, no scary big kids. He was also culturally miles away from the rest of the kids (except one or two), they treated him like a kind of peacock, not mean, just fascinated - 'do you live in a mansion, are you going to go to university - you talk like the prime minister' etc. But he didn't mind that, said they were funny and nice, it wasn't the kids, it was the prison-like environment, the hugeness, the de-personalisation they go in for, the strictness (he is incredibly well behaved and gentle but got double detention for forgetting his Spanish book) - constantly haunted by fear of breaking rules by mistake. There were 7 or 8 other kids equally distressed, sobbing at the gates every morning, but most dealt with it all perfectly well. Some are just more sensitive than others, I guess. Anyway, when he said he sometimes considered killing himself, I took him out. Took him to lovely St Christopher's School in Hertfordshire and he got in with a scholarship (godmother helping with fees and we will apply for a bursary next year). Antithesis of academy system - no uniform, teachers called by first name, school concerned with rounded happy children yet academically high achieving. Above all, small. Anyway, he is blissfully happy, back to the ds we know and love, and we as a family can breath again. If you know it's wrong, take him out. Make a fuss and follow your instincts.